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Bush Accepts Iraqi Offer for a Duel
October 5, 2002
By Graham Smith

Kofi Annan to referee death match in Crawford

BAGHDAD — Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan challenged President Bush and Vice President Cheney today to a tag-team death match on neutral ground. Ramadan wants to square off against Cheney while Saddam Hussein would face Bush.

"That fatso Cheney will be squealing like a stuck pig when I'm through with him," said Ramadan through a translator.

There's no word yet on whether Ramadan or the cagier VP Taha Muhie-eldin Marouf would face Cheney.

"Ramadan is the more experienced veteran," said Ahmed al-Masij, Turkish wrestling legend and the Iraqi regime's grappling coach. "But Marouf is the hungrier, more-determined fighter. Both are quicker than Cheney so they have an advantage."

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, who is taking time out from his normal duties to referee the showdown, promises to be impartial.

"Yeah, I know I normally agree with the U.S. on everything, but this time it's different," said Annan. "If this works out well, this could be a blueprint for all future aggressions."

However, critics are already decrying his decision to let Cheney fight with a long spear and protective armor while providing the chosen Iraqi VP with a heavy net and a short sword.

"Great, I grew up watching those jerks in American films fight gladiators with only nets and get their ass kicked," said Ramadan. He expects the fatter Cheney to employ a "lean-and-lurch" method, using the spear primarily to prop himself up.

Most are expecting the obsessive runner Bush to whip the portly overweight Hussein, leaving the possibility of a split decision if Ramadan beats Cheney.

"If Bush isn't running, he's sleeping," said one administration source. "This is the most stress-free president anyone's ever seen."

Hussein is also challenging the decision to let the match take place in America. Though experts believe this maneuver is meant to stall and delay while Hussein gets in shape or prepares a suitable body double.

"This is just standard rhetoric from a corrupt regime," said White House spokesman Ari Fleisher. "The only way Saddam can win is to defy Annan's orders, crawfish or weevil. The president has said that there will be no negotiations with evil men. The match stays here or we start bombing."

Annan said the list of "impartial" countries for Bush to fight in is short. "We had to go somewhere were someone liked Bush," said Annan. "You find a country that likes Bush if you're so smart."

In the event of a split victory, it has been decided the four will face off in a timed hot-dog eating contest at a time and location yet to be announced.

Cheney is heavily favored in that event.

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