Democratic Underground  

The History of This Great Nation
October 2, 2002
By Hans Christian Brando

Once upon a time, in order to escape persecution from European liberals, the great explorer Ronald Raegyn set out to discover a New World. (Unbeknownst to the trusting Raegyn, his boat was infested with stowaway liberals, holed up in the starboard hold!) When he reached his goal, he discovered the land was being squatted upon by savage redskins. The beneficent Raegyn welcomed them to his land, even inviting them at a nominal price to a sumptuous turkey-with-all-the-trimmings banquet.

The trouble began with that very meal. The liberals, of course, balked at the redskins being charged admission (in fact, the intolerant liberals even had a problem with Raegyn calling them redskins!), but the sage and prudent Raegyn reminded them that there was no free lunch: a government dole would result in a moral decline; give them welfare and soon they'd be driving around in Cadillacs. The pious Raegyn attempted to lead the diners in Christian prayer. Again, the liberals couldn't help making a fuss, and the patient Raegyn had to remind them that accepting Jesus as one's sole lord and savior - and expecting all others to do likewise - was not necessarily an endorsement of any particular religion, merely good manners. As for the term "redskins," it was the progressive Raegyn's way of celebrating diversity. In fact, certain of Raegyn's descendants rouged their own cheeks in tribute to this.

By the late eighteenth century, Ronald Raegyn and his heirs had managed to colonize much of the continent. Witch-burning being a powerful deterrent to crime, all ran smoothly until the whiny liberals found something else to bitch about.

That notorious tax-and-spend Democrat, King William of Clyntonne (known as George III for short), was making such a nuisance of himself with Stamp Acts and Tea Acts that Ronald Raegyn's great-great-great-great grandson Ronald Reaghinne was forced to dispatch his faithful general George W. to recruit an Army. Of course, a promised tax cut had to be tabled to pay for increased defense, and did the liberals have a fit about that! Mrs. Reaghinne, after her weekly consultation with her spiritist (a toothless mammy named Hazel), warned her husband of imminent invasion, so he set out his public relations man, Paul "Rush" Revere, to warn the citizens in turn that the enemy was on its way. (Revere, finding the airwaves dominated by liberals, had to travel by horse.)

Because of the liberals' quibbling over the defense budget, George W's inadequately supplied troops nearly perished at Valley Forge. It was Christian spirit, and that alone, that inspired the soldiers to Victory! As the witty Reaghinne remarked as he turned over the command of the new country to W., "See what you can accomplish with God and guns?" (In fact, "God and Guns" was to be the nation's motto until - you guessed it - the big-baby liberals, still carping that the dissected "Don't Tread on Me" snake violated animals' rights, screamed and yelled until a compromise had to be reached.)

As national spirit expanded, so did the need for space. In 1803 a large parcel of land was purchased from the anti-Semetic French. Ronald Reighan, who masterminded the transaction, was quoted as saying the French haggled so much on the price that their anti-Semetism was kind of ironic under the circumstances. That the humorless liberals were horrified by such a perfectly innocent joke was just one example of "political correctness" gone amok.

While the liberals indulged themselves in time-wasting activities like save-the-trees rallies and Gay Pride - whatever that was - parades, great pioneers like Ronald Raygin explored the vast westward wilderness. Spurred on by Manifest Destiny (translation: God meant for us to have this land, Tonto, so out of the way), Raygin and his followers traversed the fields in covered wagons which naturally got bigger and bigger until Pioneer Utility Covered Wagons (PUCWs) became a familiar site on those nascient highways. Always ready to make trouble, the stubborn liberals - the only thing they were pushing forward was their agenda - complained about the increased horsepower needed to fuel these vehicles. The wise Raygin had the perfect answer: "Don't be silly. What good are natural resources unless they're used?"

Having reached the West Coast (almost literally on the backs of braver men), the greedy liberals seemed to claim it as their own. When gold was discovered in 1849, Ronald Rehgan - House Speaker of the Pioneer Party - had hoped to use it to balance the budget, which admittedly was in deficet at the moment (it costs money to clear an entire continent, okay?), as well as construct large, ornate palaces of worship on prime tax-free real estate to celebrate the glory of God. But no, the decadent liberals used the financial windfall to erect pagan shrines to greed and excess. (Later, these would be renamed casinos and movie studios.) Obscene "entertainments" like can-can girls were imported from immoral Europe to entice impressionable Christian boys into degenerate alternative lifestyles.

Meanwhile, back on the other coast, Northern liberals declared war on Southern liberals who had decided that this country wasn't good enough for them and were going to secede. The war raged on even after a Republican president, at the suggestion of Chief of Staff Ronald Reeghan, had freed the slaves, which was the Northern liberals' beef in the first place (presumably, it didn't happen soon enough to place them, but these things took time, that's all).

And what was the Republican president's reward for freeing the slaves? Like all culturally-minded conservatives (some of whom eventually entering the performing arts, dominated by liberals who could never resist showing off to a gullible public), the Republican president one night attended the theatre, which - before the uncooperative liberals succeeded in forcing their views on others - was a smoke-friendly facility. One little spark of live ash got one liberal audience member in the orchestra section all upset. Nudging his neighbor, he whined, "I think there's a fire."


"But look, a fire's starting. See the smoke?"

"Quiet, you," said his more courteous conservative neighbor.

"Hey, I got a right to talk. It's a free country."

"Free speech does not mean you can yell 'fire' in a crowded theatre. Now shut up, I want to hear the play."

The impatient liberal could have doused the small fire by dropping his playbill on it. But no, he probably felt his "rights" were being violated. So up he jumped and hollered "FIRE!"

And John Wilkes Booth did. And that's the thanks the Republican president got from the left-wing.

The end of the nineteeth century saw an industrial revolution that the dishonest liberals took credit for when all they did was complain that the factory smokestacks were polluting the air and that the nonwhite workers, who were lucky to have jobs at all, weren't getting paid enough. Supply-side politics worked against them, however, and the country thrived on into the twentieth century.

And what a time that was! Two world wars triumphantly won, securely affirming this great nation's place as a World Power, while the immature liberals prattled on about civil rights and the environment and did their damndest to deliver the country into the hands of the Godless Communists. In 1954, the words "under God," which heretofore went without saying, had to be added to the Pledge of Allegiance, just to set the record straight. In 1965, while the debased liberals were busy growing their hair and dodging the draft and doing the go-go to devil music, true patriots marched into Vietnam and won the war no matter what anybody says. In 1969, inspired by the then-Governor of California, Our Boys reached the moon. Things came to a glorious climax in the 1980s, the best of times for all except a fringe minority of biological errors who loosed a plague amongst themselves; the latest and greatest descendant of founding father Ronald Raegyn found it best simply to rise above them. Wholesome organizations like the Billionaire Boys' Club and Jim Bakker's PTL ministry, betokening the absolute best of the nation's spirit, flourished during these happy days. Overcoming nearly four deacdes of liberal bungling, the Leader of the Free World almost singlehandedly ended the Cold War.

Not much happened in the twentieth century after that. Like the details of an alleged sale of illegal arms to hostile nations (typical irrelevant, out-of-context liberal propaganda!), the Naughty Nineties are best forgotten: corrupt, scandal-ridden, totally unlike the squeaky-clean previous decade. (The Savings & Loan "incidents" were mere misunderstandings; these things happen in big business.) The ecomony admittedly thrived during this otherwise dark period in history, but we all know that what happens in a current regime is the result of the efforts of the previous regime. ("Well, doesn't that mean that Jimmy Carter actually ended the Cold War? " asked a bumptious liberal. No, it does not!)

After a rocky beginning, the twenty-first century began promisingly with the approval of government-funded vouchers that allowed children to attend God school. (Now there are no others.) Healing the defiled Ground Zero, as well as sending a powerful message to our enemies overseas, took place in the form of the 180-story upraised middle finger that was constructed on the former World Trade Center site. This great nation became what it was meant to become, a place where neighbors worked and prayed and cared about each other; vigilantly, in fact. Since the adoption of the Eunice Stone Act, which rewards patriotism with - among other incentives - the inclusion of "eavesdropping" as a category for Nobel Prize consideration, outmoded, bourgeois liberal notions like "privacy" ceased to be an issue; discarded along with other out-of-date liberal concepts like "evolution" and "global warming." The liberal-dominated press has been abolished and a new supernewspaper, The Reaganland Times, published with the commitment to supply the public with fair and balanced absolute truth. The John Birch Society was disbanded as being too hip.

Strictly-enforced standards of decency have driven filth-wielding liberals from the world of art. No longer are God-fearing citizens subject to lewd and sacrilegious "works" such as that life-size study of the Apostle Paul sculpted from bear excrement and titled Winnie the Poo which won all those awards that one terrible year. Because we are a peace-loving nation - despite what jealous, racist, liberal other countries say - war with Italy (all the nude statues they have over there undermine global morals) was narrowly averted when it was remembered that the Vatican is there, too: Catholics are almost Christians and as such deserving of protection.

Extramarital intimacy have become unheard-of, owing to the passage of long-overdue legislation. Childless marriages are voided after two years, the couples involved registered as sex offenders. Even with no surveillance image to prove it (in these modern times, television watches you), it is assumed that the couple is engaging in sexual conduct illegally for nonprocreative purposes.

The rights of all are respected now, primarily those of the unborn. Abortion "doctors" have been "given a dose of their own 'medicine'." Bible passages are injected weekly into the womb; a child must be able to quote at least two Scriptures in order to be born. Thus is religious freedom preserved. (This has, of course, extended gestation periods a bit. As a Mrs. P. Keeper of Sepulpa, Oklahoma, put it when interviewed by Fox News during the seventeenth month of her pregnancy: "It is kind of uncomfortable. But it's best this way. And I'm sure that, the longer I carry my precious gift from God Almighty, the closer our bond will eventually be. I just take a swig of Maalox and remind myself, 'What Would Jesus Do if he got pregnant?'") Of course, liberal mothers, talented in the "art" of ventriloquism, have been known to cheat. But the newborn child invariably gives the cheating mother away by crying while she tries to throw her voice in a poor imitation of a baby's sweet voice; the mother is reprimanded and fined, and then it's back to the womb until the child gets it right on his or her own.

Liberals who value their lives so little that they engage in irresponsible behavior like using public walkways without exercising their right to bear arms quickly learn the true meaning of citizenship. (What can you do with individuals who don't give a damn about personal safety?)

Best of all, we got the word gay back!

Rest assured that the following years will continue to restore order to chaos, common sense to political posturing, vanquish the nation's enemies and secure her borders (the ambiguous prose at the base of the Statue of Liberty has been clarified to read: PLEASE CHECK ALL BAGS AT FRONT DESK BEFORE ENTERING), deliver us back to the intentions of our Founding Fathers (who, studies have proven, were all virgins until marriage and completely celibate when away from their wives for months on end), and put the liberals in their place once and for all.

Hans Christian Brando
cell K34-91040-5012
California Detention Camp
Christian States of Reaganland
August, 2078

Hans Christian Brando is alleged to be responsible for the stories compiled by Kevin Dawson in the collection Bedtime Stories for Insomniacs, published in 2002 by iUniverse, Inc. Web site

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