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White House Study Finds Trees Main Cause of Forest Fires
August 24, 2002
By Gil Christner

BIG ASS OL' FIRE, OREGON — President Bush announced the results of a secret White House Environmental Study, which found that the main cause of forest fires turns out to be trees themselves.

Speaking as far away from a raging forest fire where he could still get it in the background of the television camera shots, President Bush revealed that White House scientists had proven that without the kindling material provided by trees, forests would no longer burn.

"We are pleased to realize that I, that is, we know that without wood, fires can't get it up, I mean, fires don't go up the trees, if the trees are somewhere else, like, not there," the President said.

The hand-picked crowd of on-lookers, waving flags and holding signs that said "Less Trees, More Bush," didn't asked what the President meant by that, but instead concentrated on the new Forest Service policy of cutting down all the trees before they burn.

Vice President Dick Cheney, talking on speakerphone from an undisclosed location where reporters can't harm him, told the gathered crowd that he chaired the committee which put together the study, but nobody could see any notes or anything from the meetings, so we'll just have to trust him.

"We've taken a page from the Army's playbook in the old Viet Nam days. It has become necessary to destroy the forests in order to save them," Mr. Cheney said over the phone. "By giving the lumber companies the unfettered right to cut down all the timber, we have successfully eliminated fire danger for future generations."

While Mr. Bush tried to fix a stuck zipper on his L.L. Bean jacket, the Vice President went on: "If this policy works, we foresee extending it to other problem areas in the government," Mr. Cheney said. "By eliminating National Parks, there will be no more parking problems in the summer. If we get rid of all the caribou in Alaska, none of them will be harmed when we strip mine. And Attorney General John Ashcroft has some great ideas about avoiding the denial of constitutional rights by eliminating the Constitution all together!"

After giving up on his zipper, Mr. Bush took center stage again. "This is a great country, and I am proud to be a great country. We are so excited to have wood," he said. Everybody tried not to laugh.

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