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Spongewallet-Bush Pentagon-Pants
July 10, 2002
By Paul Winkelmann

Recently, I had the misfortune of stumbling across one of those "Fair and Balanced" signature Bush love-fests on the FAUX News Network and I was helplessly drawn in by the utter stupidity of the "Fairly Un-Balanced".

This particular show was in the middle of phone-ins from the public and I got to hear one caller thanking God that Gore wasn't at the helm when terrorism struck our country. The next caller agreed (imagine that) and added that the previous administration did nothing after the first World Trade Center bombing or after the U.S.S. Cole was attacked. Seeing the bobble headed hosts both nodding approvingly, as fast as their coiled spring necks would allow, woke me from my trance and I was able to skip to a station with more news credibility, Nickelodeon.

Although I thought I had escaped the brain-numbing side effects of FAUX, I soon found myself interrogating Sponge-Bob Square-Pants. "Didn't Clinton go after bin Laden with loads of missiles?" "Wasn't he berated by the GOP for doing so?" "Aren't most of the guys who attacked the WTC the first time, rotting in jail as we speak?" Sponge-Bob responded by laughing uncontrollably with salty drool dribbling from his mouth, much like his White House intellectual counterpart, Spongewallet-Bush Pentagon-Pants.

The followers of Spongewallet-Bush Pentagon-Pants don't like to delve too far from that Alternative History Channel Murdoch is running so they are probably unaware of the similarities between their own cartoonish FAUX ratings grabber in the Oval Office and the one from Bikini Bottom. No other channel can provide them with their daily requirement of delusional positive reinforcement, no matter what disaster has befallen our country, like FAUX can.

Over at FAUX, they don't have to hear how the GOP squashed previous attempts at shutting down those offshore bank accounts the terrorists were using to fund their horror. We couldn't criminalize the Bahamian piggy banks because Bush's brethren use them to patriotically avoid our country's taxes and hide their stolen loot.

Much like their addled-brained idol Ronnie Reagan, FAUX viewers "can't recall" recent events. Like when Clinton's administration warned Spongewallet-Bush's that terrorism should be a high priority, higher than say, giving the rich tax breaks or putting the shackles to medicinal marijuana users.

It slips their minds that it was once fashionable to "support our troops without supporting our president".

And the historical rewrite doesn't stop there.

The soaring Clinton economy? Bush has been very busy erasing that chapter in history. Clinton's adultery? It was way, way bigger than that silly Florida election con job. Whitewater? Clinton's LOSS of his investment and his subsequent acquittal of any wrong doing in the land deal is simply horrifying when compared to the millions made by Bush pen-pal Kenny-Boy when he ripped off Enron's stockholders and employees. They want to write about the "travel-gate" employees who were fired? How 'bout we jot down a few words about the people that Bush hired at the campaign donation fueled behest of the Energy Barons?

You give me a supposed infraction that the Clinton administration was falsely accused of and I can lay out 10 legitimate felonies committed by the Bush crime syndicate. None of which will make it to print when the conservatives publish their revised history book.

It's quite amusing listening to Spongewallet-Bush's faithful trying ever so hard to edit the past but what's even better is their absurd attempt at creating an alternative present, the present we would be enjoying had the ballot counting not been halted.

They keep saying how potentially bad it would have been under Gore, but think for a moment, just how much worse off could we have been?

Would Gore have been more deceptive about his Enron connections? Could anyone have been more cavalier than Bush was about the nation's biggest bankruptcy/fraud (to that date), treating it like it was simply a supermarket scanner misreading the price of a can of corn?

Would Gore have stood more idly by as California was raped and pillaged by Energy Barons and then more arrogantly claimed that the whole thing wasn't political at all?

Would Gore have more vehemently hid every minute of the meetings with said Energy Barons, along with every other bit of paperwork ever generated by his father, himself, and anyone who has ever come in contact with him?

Would Gore have promised to go after "all the terrorists and their sponsors" with more gusto than Bush did and then more blatantly ignored the biggest Al Qaeda financiers residing in Saudi Arabia?

Would Gore have vowed to get the head of the terrorist network that attacked us "deader or aliver" and then quit chasing him more vigorously than Bush did, once the Afghani pipeline contracts were signed?

Would Gore have taken not one but two months of vacation as he ignored every intelligence warning of an impending attack and then had the nerve to characterize those who would like to know why this happened, as even more unpatriotic?

Would Gore have systematically destroyed the Constitution with a newer and more efficient shredding machine than Bush's? Maybe Gore would have illegally imprisoned Canadians as well as Americans, without providing evidence, charges, or even a trial?

Would Gore have watched with a tad more indifference as the stock market plunged out of control and the nation's debt skyrocketed and insisted more zealously on even more budget-draining tax cuts for the rich to plug the deficit?

Would Gore have more shamelessly aided the political aspirations of his kin by removing the threat of oil slicks from one coast while demanding another coast accept them as a national security necessity?

Would Gore have chosen to make the terror attacks a standard witticism at every meal instead of just at the GOP dinner events? I suppose he could have one-upped Bush and turned that gruesome "trifecta" joke, that Bush keeps lying about, into a quip about a "superfecta".

Would Gore have waited for 20 corporations to get caught cheating and stealing, instead of the dozen or so that Bush disregarded, before he finally became "outraged" enough to murmur his discontent? An "outrage" the SEC was loath to prosecute, back when Bush and his brothers were indulging in corporate thievery and daddy was a big shooter.

The unlikely scenarios go on and on and frankly, setting aside the possibility of our planet being struck by a moon sized, radioactive, bubonic plague-coated meteor, that was in possession of all of our PIN numbers and the dexterity as well as the inclination to withdraw every penny from all of our bank accounts, I don't see how things couldn't have been a whole lot better under Gore.

Yes, the modesty drapery covering the Statue of Justice does go well with the marble flooring and is quite appropriate, given the treatment Ashcroft has been giving the Rule of Law. And I do admit to enjoying those press conferences where the president slaughters the (English?) language because he forgot his script. These are simple pleasures I could live without.

The "thank-God-it-wasn't-Gore" crowd does have a point though. In an alternative present Gore would have never been able to go after the terrorists with any measure of bi-partisan support. Nor would Gore have been able to perform any other necessary functions of his office.

Nope, Gore would have been dragged out of the Oval Office 15 minutes after the events of September 11th and hauled before Congress to defend himself in a term-long impeachment trial. GOP Senators and Representatives alike would be blanketing themselves in the flag, invoking the patriotism they now use to inhibit any look-see, as their reason for microscopically and publicly examining Gore's actions, inactions, blood-sugar level and sex life. Granted, it's possible they may have given Gore all the way up until September 12th to catch bin Laden before they called for his public hanging.

And what September 11th related information are the Republicans now demanding from Bush? They want to know if Bush can supply them with an autographed 8 x 10 of him, scurrying away from danger, on Air Force One.

The presidential job performance polls show that, almost to a man, every conservative in the country is as happy as a clam with Bush. They're thrilled that Osama bin Laden is still walking free, they're elated that the economy has gone to hell in a hand basket, and they just can't get enough of a president who habitually ignores pin-striped pirates pocketing their company's bankrolls.

Who would have thought that incompetence, fiscal irresponsibility, and corruption would be so popular?

In a few years, when our nation's children (who will, by law, be parochially educated) read the GOP's rendition of Spongewallet-Bush's term in office, it's gonna be nothing but page after page of prosperity and heroism (and lots of pictures, so the book's subject can enjoy it too), as if today's headlines had been printed in disappearing ink. Republican criticism won't be found at the tip of a Republican ballpoint pen.

The intentionally forgetful have blocked out how Ronnie bloated the national debt and how King Bush I lead us into a recession, so too will Bush II's tenure be fondly un-remembered and dutifully mis-recalled. J.R.R. Tolkien holds no candle to a GOP fantasy epic.

In any properly organized library these Ann Coulter inspired anti-histories, of a Gore presidency based on theoretical and theatrical nonsense and of a Bush presidency based on a purposeful suspension of reality, would be found shelved in the science-fiction section, right next to Orwell and Nostradamus.

And for all of you super-patriots who've been thanking God for Bush's selection, you haven't been alone. It's just that so many of those who were praying along with you weren't thanking Jesus, they were thanking Allah.

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