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Bush's Harken Mistakes Blamed on Clinton's Penis
July 9, 2002
By Gil Christner

Fleischer: Pre-cognitive worries distracted George W.

(AP) In a move to fend off questions about the administration's ability to handle the corporate accounting scandals, the White House today placed responsibility for George W. Bush's own previous SEC troubles squarely on the shoulders of Bill Clinton's sexual escapades.

President Bush recently has come under fire for the SEC investigation into his failure to disclose the 1990 sale of Harken company stock, of which he was a director. Apparently, according to the White House, this oversight was due to Bush's extreme concentration on what might happen should then Governor Clinton become president.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said that Clinton's reputation as a womanizer and indiscriminate horn dog weighed so heavily on George W. Bush's mind, that he inadvertently forgot to file the proper forms with the SEC reporting the Harken stock sale and the resulting 200% profit.

"For all George W. Bush knew, Clinton used the date rape drug on unsuspecting college girls in Arkansas," Fleischer said in a press conference today. "Mr. Bush became concerned. What if such a man should ever become president of the United States? What if he ever used cigars in some sort of sick sexual perversion? What if he stained a blue dress? The blue dress, remember the blue dress?" Mr. Fleischer paused for effect. "Such questions crowded Mr. Bush's mind, and he simply forgot to file the proper form. It was an honest mistake."

Surprising no one, the national press immediately agreed with Fleischer's explanation. "George W. Bush is widely known to be a deep thinker," Sean Hannity stated on his radio show. "Aside from daily musings on Heidegger and Kierkegaard, he often has somebody read to him from Socrates, who also believed in ESP. It only makes sense that Bush, in 1990, would be able to foresee the disgusting, perverted immorality that Clinton would eventually bring to the White House."

Harvey Pitt, current chairman of the SEC, retroactively exonerated President Bush from any misconduct in the Harken manner. "Of course he was worried about Clinton's upcoming adultery. No wonder he didn't file that Form 4 with the SEC," Mr. Pitt said, as he signed the official pardon absolving President Bush from any wrong-doing. "There's no point in holding the man responsible for such a piddling little technicality as an $850,000 profit. And considering that the sexual hi-jinks he foresaw were those of Bill Clinton, I'm surprised Bush didn't forget to file his Income Tax, too!"

When reached for comment, Mr. Clinton remarked, "He can see me in the future? Well, I hope he sees the hand gesture I'll be making later tonight." Conversely, when asked about his apparent ESP, President Bush replied "No, I prefer Fox Sports Net. That Tom Arnold guy is funny."

Martha Stewart's office did not return calls by press time.

Gil Christner is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles. He's the guy looking through the telescope on the LendingTree commercial who says, "Hartrick Bank is on the job!"

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