Calico Cats Admit Fear of Attorney General
April 2, 2002
By Gil Christner

A new poll of calico cats across the country reveals that a great majority of them are deathly afraid of Attorney General John Ashcroft, many of them stating that he is, in fact, a sign of the Devil.

A poll conducted by CNN/Time/Cat Fancy Magazine show that over 52% of the calico cats questioned feel very afraid of the Attorney General, and 36% are somewhat afraid. In addition, cats of other varieties and colors also admit to a high "disliking or feeling of avoidance towards" Mr. Ashcroft.

"Most calicos, while not necessarily religious by nature, just feel a tremendous fear when confronted with the idea of John Ashcroft," said Kitty Kelly, author of Pussy Galore to Socks: The History of Felines in Political Intrigue. Miss Kelly, who is not related to, but often confused with the unofficial biographer of Nancy Reagan, insists that while very few cats even believe in the Devil, the image of the Attorney General unrestrained by the Constitution or other laws of the land is enough to send most felines into a Pentecostal delirium.

"I've seen calicos lose control of their bowels when confronted by the idea of meeting Mr. Ashcroft," Miss Kelly said. "And for a creature that habitually buries its feces, that can be a very embarrassing situation.

Even worse, there have been reported cases of young kittens actually dying of fear when Ashcroft appears on television in the same room. Luckily for them, they have nine lives. I'm just afraid they'll have to use most of them in the next 3 years of the Bush administration."

The poll also revealed that other breeds, including Persians, short hairs, and even Siamese get their hackles raised when Mr. Ashcroft's name is mentioned. "Strangely enough, only those funky hairless cats that look like skinned weasels seem immune to the Attorney General," mused Miss Kelly. "I guess when you look like that, you don't have much left to worry about."

The results of the CNN/Time/Cat Fancy Magazine Poll:

Q. How Afraid are You when You see Attorney General John Ashcroft?
Very Afraid 52%
Somewhat Afraid 36%
Kind of Nervous 10%
Not too Concerned 1%
Bored Stiff 1%

Q. Do You think Attorney General John Ashcroft is a Sign of the Devil?
Yes 13%
Maybe 62%
No 9%
I'm A Jewish Cat and We Don't Believe in the Devil 16%

Q. Do you think Attorney General John Ashcroft would Cover a Nude Statue of a Cat, and if so, Would he be Justified in Doing so?
Yes 67%
No 21%
Never Mind, just keep Moving that Pencil around in Circles and let Me try to Catch It 37%

Q. Does it Bother you that the Numbers in the Last Question Add up to Way More than 100%?
Yes 8%
No 14%
I'm a frickin' Cat, what do I know about Percentages? Sheesh, Get a Clue 78%

Gil Christner is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles. He's the guy on the IBM commercial running around yellig "Ned, the servers, they stole all our servers!"