Democratic Underground  

A Modest Proposal
April 16, 2002
By Bob Martin

It is a melancholy object to those who journey through the history of this great country, when they see how the rewards of preferential treatment have benefitted the African immigrants over White immigrants. I think it is agreed by all parties that only by affirmative action will Whites ever be able to attain the level playing field we are so enamored with.

I offer for everyone's consideration the preference Africans enjoyed in free passage to this continent with employment on arrival. And this see-the-world jobs program was just the start.

From the youngest Black children who were spared the boring indoor sedentary 3R's drills by allowing them outdoor employment picking up cotton (not exactly heavy lifting), to the eldest who were spared the daily travails whites had to concern themselves with. Not only was room (with furniture), board, and employment assured, but they didn't have the hassles of banks and debts. The kindly employer arranged direct deposit and electronic bill-paying. Whites never got this cradle-to-grave care.

Blacks didn't have to pour through the biographies of politicians and have the guilt of voting for scoundrels. That burden was suffered by Whites.

Blacks had their own interstate subway. Whites weren't even allowed in the back of this underground railroad.

These (and many other inequities that may be enumerated) exist even today as we embark on a new millennium, but in subtler form.

How many Whites do you think are routinely stopped by the police to inquire about their health and have their trunks checked to ensure the spare is properly inflated? Virtually none.

How many Whites walk into a store and have an employee follow them around to help them shop? Virtually none. Blacks have someone right there at their elbow, sometimes with a sidearm to assist them and ward off pickpockets. Why, I even remember one case where a security guard offered- he didn't have to be asked- to hold a Black teenager's coat while he went home to get a receipt. Are Whites afforded the same customer service? Virtually never.

Does anybody know of any color that Whites have? Blacks have the blues. And the right to sing the blues. Is that fair?

Blacks get to speak Ebonics. Their own language. What do Whites get? A hand-me-down language from a country that couldn't even hang on to an empire. A language that doesn't allow me to whitemail or whiteball people. And in which crackardly has no meaning.

Black athletes get all the natural talent. Whites athletes have to have a work ethic. We do we have to work? Why can't we be shiftless and lazy?

Blacks get February. At best, we may get a White Christmas.

Blacks have organizations that seek the advancement of their people while Whites have organizations that disparage others. Why do we get the morally corrupt ones? And why do theirs get multiple letters when all we get is three K's or three C's?

I have given this matter of the slanted playing field much thought, and though I wish politicians could just wave their legislative wand and erase four hundred years of racial preference, I have concluded a more proactive approach is needed.

Hence, my proposal. (Which I can only hope, makes me a credit to my race.)

Since all this preferential treatment stems from the free passage and guaranteed employment, I humbly suggest White people be boarded on ships and sent to Africa where they could be employed in whatever work had to be done there.

While it would be advantageous to send all 224 million Whites there immediately, the logistics of such an endeavor would be overwhelming, not only for our transportation system, but for the African nations that may find it difficult to provide the full employment that is the crux of this affirmative action. A more reasonable agenda would be to send the 57 million women of child-bearing age (15-44) in the first year. In subsequent years young ladies who attain the age of fifteen could be sent in their birth month, along with the occasional 11 to 14 year-old who happens to be in a family way.

As matronly types are needed indoors to run houseolds, each year all 65 year-old women will be afforded passage as well. After fifteen years, there will be no more White women under 80 in America and the program would end.

As for the men, a good start would be all the politicians. Oversexed, they will be the best breeders for the steady supply of children Africa will need to institute FRAP (Family Rip Asunder Program). When they're not breeding, their powerful jaws and inflated lungs make them the perfect candidates for plow animals. And the reduced emissions from having a bit between their teeth would go a long way towards curing global warming.

The draft would be reinstated. In the first year, all White males born in January would make the trip. The second year all those born in February, and so on. Deferments would be offered to those who can star at a televised sport (bench-warmers would not be eligible) and those who can fill critical movie roles (pimp, butler, gangsta, ex-con, etc). We only need one White male left behind to administer the program (to avoid the appearance of racism). As the creator of this affirmative action, I feel duty bound to offer myself for this task, recognizing that it would be unfair to ask anyone else to give up the opportunity of a level playing field. I hesitate to commend myself, but I think this is mighty White of me.

I am sure there are many who may find this proposal objectionable for different reasons. Allow me to dispel some criticisms that have arisen.

First and foremost there is the fairness question. After all, a Black person is defined as having one drop of Black blood in their ancestry. These people, though 99% white, have already enjoyed the Black preference and therefore must not be allowed to participate. This program is For Whites Only.

Some have rightly complained that I propose to deplete our natural resources while getting nothing in return. That would be a poor business decision and I would not want to be accused of giving the store away. An exchange board would be created to establish a fair market value for Whites to ensure every transaction is equitable. I think it reasonable, for example, that a strong, healthy, White female could be worth a cow, an oxen, two pigs, or five chickens. A male of similar stock would, no doubt, be worth at least one dog. (Of course, such valuation would be the bailiwick of the board.) The proceeds of these exchanges would go to relatives as compensation for their disappointment of not being able to make the cruise.

Please recognize that this is only a proposal and need not be enacted exactly as I suggest. Also, please note that I have not the least personal interest in this affirmative action as I'll be staying behind. And I hereby renounce any livestock that may be acquired for my relatives.

I have discussed my proposal with several Blacks (as they have the most to lose), and to a person they were surprisingly generous in their approval. "Give Whites this program," one enthused, "and they shall overcome."

I suspect, what with the world at a faster pace, in one or two hundred years we could institute the Back To America Movement and, with the level playing field intact, end affirmative action altogether.

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