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FAQ: Bush on Foreign Policy
April 10, 2002
By Jeff Ritchie

Given the current war on terrorism, many people are turning their attention toward foreign policy, and some of the people are actually employed in the Bush Administration. To help sort through the complex issues, we present these Frequently Asked Questions. As always, the answers to these questions have been screened through the Office of Homeland Security, and anyone who says otherwise is giving aid and comfort to terrorists.

Q: The White House recently announced that it would not recognize the recent elections in Zimbabwe because of massive voter fraud. Does anybody in the White House see the irony in that, considering the Florida Election Controversy in 2000?

A: No. Actually the entire White House staff was inoculated against attacks of irony after September 11.

Q: Were you also inoculated against shame and guilt?

A: Against what? Against who? Ha, ha. Just kidding. No, we never had any of those to begin with.

Q: Shortly after the September 11 attacks, the President promised to get Osama Bin Laden "dead or alive." Now that you seem unable to find him, the President is now threatening to invade Iraq. Is this a change of policy?

A: In the heat of the moment we all say things that we really don't mean. I mean, it was just a few month before that when President Bush promised to "preserve, protect and defend" the Constitution of the United States. And nobody's holding him to that one.

Q: After the President demanded that Israel pull out of the West Bank and cease its military offensive, Israel responded by stepping up its attacks. What will the President do if Israel refuses to comply?

A: The President telephoned Prime Minister Sharon yesterday and informed him that if the Israeli army did not pull out of the West Bank, Mr. Bush will shriek like a little girl.

Q: Critics have charged that the President's foreign policy is in disarray. Would you comment on that?

A: I'm glad you brought that up, because we're all getting tired of the President taking the blame for other people's failures. So far in this Administration, we've met twice with the President of Mexico to discuss issues of vital importance and those meetings, with one minor exception, were a huge success.

Q: What was the exception?

A: The President really should learn to cut back on the bean burritos, if you know what I mean

Q: What about our relations with our other strategic allies?

A: The President recently concluded a very successful Far East trip, one in which he congratulated the Japanese on 150 years of partnership for peace with America.

Q: Wasn't Japan our enemy during World War II?

A: The Japanese? Shit, was that really the Japanese?! We thought it was Taiwan!

Q: No. Taiwan is the island that the President referred to as a "country" even though for the past thirty years the U.S. has acknowledged that Taiwan is part of the People's Republic of China.

A: He really said that? Well, then who are the Koreans?

Q: North or South?

A: Oh, you're just screwing with me now, aren't you? Who knew that there were two Koreas? But suffice to say that both Korea are one of the three axes of evil, along with Iraq…and…

Q: Iran?

A: Yes. Exactly. Iran.

Q: None of the September 11 hijackers were from Iran, Iraq, or Korea. In fact, fifteen of the nineteen hijackers were from Saudi Arabia. Why didn't Saudi Arabia make the list?

A: We take a comprehensive view of a nation before we declare it a terrorist state. That includes its political climate and its willingness to cooperate in the war on terrorism, not to mention its non-conference schedule and it's won-loss record against ranked opponents.

Q: Weren't those last two criteria for getting at-large bids in the NCAA basketball tournament?

A: Could be. But in a related matter, we're pleased to announce that the University of Indiana is off our list of terrorist nations.

Q: Is that because of their appearance in the NCAA championship game?

A: Yes. And because Bobby Knight is now coaching in another time zone.

Q: There has been some talk that former President Clinton might be named a Special Envoy to the Middle East to mediate the current Israeli/Palestinian crisis. Could this happen?

A: That could happen — right after we hand over the keys to the White House to Al Gore.

Q: So you're saying that...

A: Right after Sharon and Arafat get themselves a little apartment in the East Village and open their own custom framing business.

Q: So your message is...

A: Right after David Spade wins an Emmy.

Q: I think I get your point...

A: Right after the Red Sox win the World Series.

Q: Looking ahead, what are the President's foreign policy objectives for the remainder of his term?

A: Right now we're working with the Immigration and Naturalization Service to begin deportation of persons who represent a threat to our nation.

Q: You mean some of the 1,000 Arab-Americans being held in prison since September 11?

A: No, some of the 49,274,146 people who voted for Al Gore on November 7.

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