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Iraq-o-rama Part 2: This Time It's Personal
March 27, 2002
By J. Mark Batchelor

Today I was told that my Government, in the form of the autonomous Executive Branch, has decided that War with Iraq is a given. Apparently, only a few minor details need to be worked out, like what form the attack will take, the justification for the massive invasion of a country smack in the middle of a political tinderbox, and the little issue about whom will govern the smoking hole in the ground after we have "moved on."

The Iraqi people will then be advised to consult the majority of the U.S. electorate, who voted for another political pariah in the 2000 presidential race, on how to "get over it."

Gee, isn't it great living in a dictatorship? We no longer have to worry about any squabbling between the executive and legislative branches about such trivial matters as war declarations, and we need no longer fear the federal judiciary impeding the wishes of our self-anointed boy-king.

I, too, am tempted to stop worrying and love the Bomb. I mean, Dubya is a "good man." If God has ordained his ascendancy, then his guidance must be infallible, right? Let the bunker-busting nukes fly!

So, do you think our great leader will be magnanimous enough to allow for Congress to hold a vote to validate his divinely inspired plan? It's not really necessary, however, as the High Priest of Defense Wolfowitz has already decided an attack will be carried out forthwith, and we should avoid any partisan squabbling about whether Iraq actually had anything to do with the Sept. 11th debacle. War's on, you know.

I"m beginning to feel much better about this administration as time goes by, as I'm really very busy at work right now, and since I don't have any voice in the formulation of policies my Government undertakes, I really can't be bothered.

The NBA championships are about to come up, right? And I haven't even decided what to have for lunch yet. So you see I really need to avoid any worries regarding any nuclear or economic Armageddon brought on by our actions in some far away land. Social responsibility is such a drag and takes up far too much time.

And besides Bush the Younger has a score to settle, and since I'm constantly being reminded by the U.S. media about His Majesty's stratospheric approval ratings, who am I to question his divine edicts? I'm sure he has some good reasons for the invasion, beyond the apparent motive of familial revenge in the geo-political version of a barroom brawl.

Saddam is still wandering around the neighborhood, and Daddy didn't like him, so Junior's gonna finish the job. The problem is, who's gonna call the cops when this feud gets out of hand? And who will play the cops when the whole neighborhood goes up in flames? The Turkish National Army?

But, like I said, I'm with the rest of the American populace, who just can't be bothered. I'm sure there'll be some great video footage from the invasion for us to "ooh" and aww" about during the Pentagon's propaganda - uh - informational briefings, so it should all be very exciting.

I wonder if they'll make it into a video game for my Playstation 2?




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