Punxsutawney Dick
February 5, 2002
by Max Starsky

PUNXSUTAWNEY Pa.: Amid the tightest security seen for many years in this quiet Pennsylvanian town, the world's media and interested onlookers gathered to see the long-awaited appearance of the nations vice-resident, Punxsutawney Dick.

In hibernation since early September, Punxsutawney Dick was pulled from his cave to the glare of the cameras. The sneer so commonly associated with Punxsutawney Dick was ever the more evident today, a suggestion that maybe he was far from pleased with being unceremoniously dragged from his hideaway.

But it did nothing to quell the delight of those who travelled from miles around to catch a rare glimpse of their vice-resident. "Oh, this is such a special occasion, I'm just over the moon!" said Mrs. Brenda Hogsbottom, who travelled from Deadcow, Missouri to witness the occasion. "I've missed that sneer, I really have. You know, George Dubya is so cute and all but that smirk, well, it just doesn't suffice for Dick's sneer, you know what I mean?"

Also on hand was Curt Sniffling of Boise, Idaho, who had a rather different take on the events than Mrs. Hogsbottom.

"Well, all I can say is that he must have a conscience and is too embarrassed to show his face because he knows that he wasn't even elected! Unlike that dimwit that is occupying the White House who travels the country like he's forgotten the 2000 campaign is finished with. No, I'm just here to make sure they stick him back down that hole... where he belongs!"

Mr Sniffling was then arrested for making anti-American statements and sent off to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

But no-one really cared because the moment we had all been waiting for had arrived. Yes, it was now time for Punxsutawney Dick to make the prediction we all longed for.

"For how much longer will you, Punxsutawney Dick and your partner in crime, Crusader Bunnypants, continue to inflict misery and war upon the American people and the people of the world?"

Silence descended on the huge crowd.

Punxsutawney Dick tilted his head, dropped one side of his mouth lower than the other to form what was probably one of his most condescending sneers ever and said... "At least three more years but... we are working on another four after that!"

Then Punxsutawney Dick ran back into his hole in the ground, not to be seen for another twelve months.

There was only one incident to report from todays events and that occurred when some fifty ex-Enron employees were arrested after they attempted to pull Punxsutawney Dick's friend, Houston Ken, from Dick's warren.

They were all swiftly rounded up and will no doubt soon be enjoying the delights of Cuba with Mr. Sniffling.

This is Max Starsky reporting from Punxsutawney, Pa.