Democratic Underground  

Katherine Harris Mind Meld
February 2, 2002
by Anthony G. Hendricks

News Item: The Florida Secretary of State spoke before the Conservative Action Conference Thursday in Arlington, Va. Now a Republican candidate for Congress, Katherine claimed that the corrupt Florida election had strengthened Democracy because she had stood up to the onslaught of people who wanted Florida State Law followed. And that the Constitution had been strengthened by illegally installing George the Affable in the White House. Jesse Helms was moved to tears.

Spiritual seekers, as promised, this week we journey into the mind of Katherine Harris to search for enlightenment as to exactly what went on in Florida Selection 2000. I know some of you are allergic to massive quantities of perfume. Please, for best results hold your nose until we are safely into the interior. Now, take a deep breath and exhale slowly... as we breathe start counting backwards from ten... focus on the target of our quest... good it’s working... yes, now we’ve arrived. Kind of messy in here. Just stubbed my toe on a box of uncounted....

“Hey there now, who invited you in.”

“Katherine we’re spiritual seekers, seeking enlightenment.”

“I don’t know anything about anything, but most especially about the voter registration date.”

“That’s what you told all the reporters and T.V. talking heads, and investigators for the Civil Rights commission.”

“You know that uppity.... I mean that black chair woman didn’t act like she believed me.” We’d see Katherine Harris smile at this point if we were on the outside, but being on the inside all that we can tell for sure is that her gray matter has twisted into a sly grin.

“That’s what we’d like to know, are you really as incompetent and ignorant of your duties as you pretended.”

“This isn’t going to leave my cranium is it?”

“No of course not you can trust us, we’re spiritual seekers almost honest to a fault.” (Of course brain wave material does get accidentally projected and broadcast sometimes through no fault of anybody, really. A sensitive sometimes picks up those transmissions and if the sensitive happens to be a satirical writer.... well we can’t be responsible for that. I didn’t bother to tell her that, after all we were after the truth.)

“Well then, I can let my hair down so to speak, and I have been criticized about my hair and the rest of me as far as that goes, if you’re a woman in public office and you don’t look like Madeline Albright, you know like a female bull dog, well other people just tear your looks apart and your wardrobe and teeth and even the amount of perfume you wear... it’s really tough being a public woman, especially when thrust into the limelight of a big crooked... election.... well not that we did anything wrong mind you, but that disgusting Al Gore kept insisting that the votes actually be counted. How rude, expecting Jeb Bush and the rest of us to actually count votes for him, Al the Gore rhymes with Bore.... just one of those disgusting people, belongs you know to that other party, the one we’re forced to share power with.”

“So was the Certification Deadline really cast in stone and all that important. Was it even a legal deadline?”

“Well it all depended, of course It was really important because without the voter certification deadline we’d have had nothing to take to the Supreme Court then they would have had nothing they could use to stop the vote counting and without that well... well if they’d have actually ever counted all the legal votes... even part of the legal votes then the wrong person would have been in the White House and my political career would have been over and as you know I wanted so bad to be Ambassador to the French Riviera.”

“I guess that’s not going to happen.”

“Some big mouth Demo... one of those told that I wanted that so of course they printed it up and now they say it would look bad for our team if George gave me that Ambassadorship and I think that’s so ungrateful because without me to hold the line on the Voter Certification Deadline, and preventing the recounting of votes in many counties, and okay even approving illegal absentee Republican votes... well where would he be... still stuck in Texas with a Budget crisis and scrambling to try and blame it on Democrats.”

“So you see yourself as the key player in Florida Election 2000?”

“We’re a team of course and of course every team has to have a Superstar to be a winner.”

“That doesn’t exactly fit with the image you projected of bumbling incompetence.”

“That’s where I did the greatest job, nobody else could have pulled that off, and that’s where being female helped. If a man would have put on that act well I tell you, nobody would have bought it. But I used sexual stereotyping to my team’s advantage.”

“So you knew exactly what you were doing.”

“Duh, do I need to hit you between the eyes with a two by four.”

“Well you know many have speculated that you simply did what Jeb told you to.”

“Of course he quarterbacked the operation, but lord I carried the ball across the goal line for the winning touchdown. I made it all possible.”

“What about the voter registration fiasco?”

“We planned it all out, and executed it to near perfection.”

“Do you feel any remorse for cheating voters out of their right to vote.”

“Remorse? what’s that?”

“You don’t believe in fair play I take it.”

“What’s that have to do with winning?”

“Well I get your point, but this is supposed to be a Democracy.”

“Yeah, who says anything as dumb as that.”

“Some people do.”

“Tell them to get over it.”

“Anything else you’d like to share with us. You know we’re still a little skeptical here.There are many truth seekers who will still want to see you as incompetent.”

“That’s simply evidence of how good our propaganda is. Consider this, we explain away all of the Florida Election Problems by blaming it on honest incompetence, then we go out and continually convince the American people that we’re the most competent party to run the country.”

“Amazing, Orwell called that Double Think.”

“Finally, you understand. Stand back now it’s time for a fresh dose of perfume. I’m going to Congress next. George and Jeb have assured me that I can go on as many junkets as I want to the French Riviera. Winning is just grand!” “At taxpayer expense I presume.” If gray matter can wink. I swear it did. “I do believe you’re catching on.”

Anthony G. Hendricks is a country poet & satirist, author of the book,
Democracy Bushwhacked, Election 2000, Florida Theater of the Absurd. Available at or 1-888-795-4274.

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