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A Case for Secret Tribunals
January 24, 2002
by Ron C. Coma

George W. Bush has called for secret tribunals to replace trials for people who have committed horrible crimes against America. Both Bush and John Ashcroft argue that making sure these criminals pay for their crimes is more important than fretting about the exact text on an old piece of parchment, signed by a group of men, long since dead. Isn't justice more important than principle, they ask? Isn't getting even more important yet than justice? Doesn't the ends justify the means in a case of extreme evil? In one case, maybe it does.

What if I told you that there was a criminal so evil and so completely morally corrupt that his actions destroyed thousands of American lives, broke all previous criminal records, and set events into motion that have rocked the very foundation of the United States economy? What if this Evil Doer had close connections with, influence over, and financial ties to a number of governments around the world?

Most shocking of all, what if I could convince you that this embodiment of all things evil doesn't even care about the harm he's done, won't even admit his crimes, and would undoubtedly commit the same - if not more horrible - crimes again and again given the chance? If such a person existed, couldn't we all agree that a Constitutional court trial would be too good for this anti-American scum?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kenneth Lay. Evil Doer Lay is the ringleader of an international criminal organization called Enron. This organization has operatives all over the world, and even today there are a large number of Enron executive cells operating in the United States. Lay and his executive associates orchestrated the largest corporate bankruptcy in the history of America. The activities of these cells have resulted in the theft of billions of dollars from U.S. taxpayers, thousands of hard working Americans losing their jobs, and much more.

Families all over this great nation have been pushed to the edge of poverty by the illegal actions of the Enron operatives. College funds and retirement savings have been stolen. Medical bills and house payments wait to be paid, but the money is gone. Gone where? The money didn't vanish into thin air. Enron operatives, following the orders of Evil Doer Lay, have stolen the money and turned it over to Lay's evil co-conspirators so they can fund further crimes.

Who are Evil Doer Lay's conspirators in these heinous crimes against America? Kenneth Lay has connections with corrupt and influential business leaders and crooked politicians all over the world. Recent reports indicate that Evil Doer Lay is so connected that he is best friends with the president of one of the richest countries in the world. This country continues to harbor this evil man, even though they know of his crimes.

Evil Doer Lay's influence is not limited to the president of one country, though. He has given money to crooked politicians in countries around the world in exchange for special treatment of his evil organization. His ties to one political party in a certain country are so strong that the top official in that party actually used to be an operative for the Enron crime organization.

This extreme level of corruption - the kind that you would never find in a great nation like America - makes it clear that Evil Doer Lay is not the sort of person that our founding fathers could ever have imagined while drafting the Constitution. Because they could not have imagined someone this evil and corrupt, then certainly they didn't mean for the Constitution to apply to Evil Doer Lay.

The legal argument can be made that the Constitution only applies to humans. Most Americans agree that only a monster could commit crimes this horrible and grotesque. If we ask George W. Bush to refer to Evil Doer Lay only as a "monster," then the Constitution will not apply to Lay at all. If a simple matter of semantics can save us from unbridled evil, then shouldn't we use it? Either way you look at it, if Americans accept the fact that the Constitution was not meant to protect Evil Doers, then the case for a secret tribunal has been made.

There are a number of other compelling reasons why we must bring Evil Doer Lay before a secret tribunal. Do we really want the media turning his trial into a circus? Do we want to give him a forum to spew his evil views to the world? Of course not! Would Lay be able to get a fair trial after all that he has done, after all the people that he has hurt? No. Therefore, a secret tribunal would be in his own best interest. We would only be doing it for his own good. That is what we Americans are about, after all: fairness, justice, and compassion.

Also, if Evil Doer Lay were allowed a Constitutional public trial, it could be extremely dangerous for the American people. What if he were to send a coded message to the Enron cells still operating around the world? What if he were to send secret signals to the leaders of other corrupt organizations encouraging them to go on an insider trading binge, causing more damage to the American economy and ruining more lives?

What if, in a last ditch attempt to steal even more money, Evil Doer lay made a hand signal that told his best friend, the president of a certain country, to unleash more "energy crises" on the unsuspecting people of that nation? What if Evil Doer Lay's mere presence in public encouraged his corrupt operatives to send envelopes full of pretzels to government officials and media outlets? Can we afford to take these risks? In the words of George W. Bush, we must not let Evil Doers use the forums of liberty to destroy liberty itself.

One of the most important question we must answer, is one of fairness. Who would be a fair judge to oversee the secret tribunals of Evil Doer Lay? We know that much of our existing government is tainted by direct financial ties to Evil Doer Lay. We cannot count on fairness from our elected officials. We need someone independent. Who? There is one person who has not been tainted by the poison money of the Enron criminal organization. This man has established himself as a Fair and Balanced advocate for all that is right and just. He is a man with no known bias, other than an extreme bias toward truth, justice, and the American way.

There is only one man who has the credentials to oversee Evil Doer Lay's secret tribunal. His name? Ralph Nader. As George W. Bush has suggested, Judge Nader must be given full authority over the tribunal, without exception. Judge Nader must have power to deal with this criminal in any way that he sees fit.

There should be no appeals, and the punishment that Judge Nader deals out will be completely at his own discretion, up to and including, the death penalty. John Ashcroft has already said, and I must agree, that there should be no defense attorneys, defense witnesses, and certainly no evidence allowed in the tribunal. Any of these things could prejudice the judge, hurt the government's case, or make the trial take too long. We must not let evil win!

Americans, we must come together as one nation and support our leaders in their pursuit of justice. A secret tribunal for Evil Doer Lay is just the first step in this epic battle of good people against Evil Doers. The next step, as George W. Bush himself has said so many times, is to pinpoint and arrest any government or government official who has supported or aided Evil Doer Lay and his criminal organization. Either you are with America, or you are with the Evil Doers. Onward, my fellow Americans! Justice will be ours!

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