for Secret Tribunals
by Ron C. Coma
George W. Bush has called for secret tribunals to replace
trials for people who have committed horrible crimes against
America. Both Bush and John Ashcroft argue that making sure
these criminals pay for their crimes is more important than
fretting about the exact text on an old piece of parchment,
signed by a group of men, long since dead. Isn't justice more
important than principle, they ask? Isn't getting even more
important yet than justice? Doesn't the ends justify the means
in a case of extreme evil? In one case, maybe it does.
What if I told you that there was a criminal so evil and
so completely morally corrupt that his actions destroyed thousands
of American lives, broke all previous criminal records, and
set events into motion that have rocked the very foundation
of the United States economy? What if this Evil Doer had close
connections with, influence over, and financial ties to a
number of governments around the world?
Most shocking of all, what if I could convince you that this
embodiment of all things evil doesn't even care about the
harm he's done, won't even admit his crimes, and would undoubtedly
commit the same - if not more horrible - crimes again and
again given the chance? If such a person existed, couldn't
we all agree that a Constitutional court trial would be too
good for this anti-American scum?
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kenneth Lay. Evil Doer Lay is
the ringleader of an international criminal organization called
Enron. This organization has operatives all over the world,
and even today there are a large number of Enron executive
cells operating in the United States. Lay and his executive
associates orchestrated the largest corporate bankruptcy in
the history of America. The activities of these cells have
resulted in the theft of billions of dollars from U.S. taxpayers,
thousands of hard working Americans losing their jobs, and
Families all over this great nation have been pushed to the
edge of poverty by the illegal actions of the Enron operatives.
College funds and retirement savings have been stolen. Medical
bills and house payments wait to be paid, but the money is
gone. Gone where? The money didn't vanish into thin air. Enron
operatives, following the orders of Evil Doer Lay, have stolen
the money and turned it over to Lay's evil co-conspirators
so they can fund further crimes.
Who are Evil Doer Lay's conspirators in these heinous crimes
against America? Kenneth Lay has connections with corrupt
and influential business leaders and crooked politicians all
over the world. Recent reports indicate that Evil Doer Lay
is so connected that he is best friends with the president
of one of the richest countries in the world. This country
continues to harbor this evil man, even though they know of
Evil Doer Lay's influence is not limited to the president
of one country, though. He has given money to crooked politicians
in countries around the world in exchange for special treatment
of his evil organization. His ties to one political party
in a certain country are so strong that the top official in
that party actually used to be an operative for the Enron
This extreme level of corruption - the kind that you would
never find in a great nation like America - makes it clear
that Evil Doer Lay is not the sort of person that our founding
fathers could ever have imagined while drafting the Constitution.
Because they could not have imagined someone this evil and
corrupt, then certainly they didn't mean for the Constitution
to apply to Evil Doer Lay.
The legal argument can be made that the Constitution only
applies to humans. Most Americans agree that only a monster
could commit crimes this horrible and grotesque. If we ask
George W. Bush to refer to Evil Doer Lay only as a "monster,"
then the Constitution will not apply to Lay at all. If a simple
matter of semantics can save us from unbridled evil, then
shouldn't we use it? Either way you look at it, if Americans
accept the fact that the Constitution was not meant to protect
Evil Doers, then the case for a secret tribunal has been made.
There are a number of other compelling reasons why we must
bring Evil Doer Lay before a secret tribunal. Do we really
want the media turning his trial into a circus? Do we want
to give him a forum to spew his evil views to the world? Of
course not! Would Lay be able to get a fair trial after all
that he has done, after all the people that he has hurt? No.
Therefore, a secret tribunal would be in his own best interest.
We would only be doing it for his own good. That is what we
Americans are about, after all: fairness, justice, and compassion.
Also, if Evil Doer Lay were allowed a Constitutional public
trial, it could be extremely dangerous for the American people.
What if he were to send a coded message to the Enron cells
still operating around the world? What if he were to send
secret signals to the leaders of other corrupt organizations
encouraging them to go on an insider trading binge, causing
more damage to the American economy and ruining more lives?
What if, in a last ditch attempt to steal even more money,
Evil Doer lay made a hand signal that told his best friend,
the president of a certain country, to unleash more "energy
crises" on the unsuspecting people of that nation? What if
Evil Doer Lay's mere presence in public encouraged his corrupt
operatives to send envelopes full of pretzels to government
officials and media outlets? Can we afford to take these risks?
In the words of George W. Bush, we must not let Evil Doers
use the forums of liberty to destroy liberty itself.
One of the most important question we must answer, is one
of fairness. Who would be a fair judge to oversee the secret
tribunals of Evil Doer Lay? We know that much of our existing
government is tainted by direct financial ties to Evil Doer
Lay. We cannot count on fairness from our elected officials.
We need someone independent. Who? There is one person who
has not been tainted by the poison money of the Enron criminal
organization. This man has established himself as a Fair and
Balanced advocate for all that is right and just. He is a
man with no known bias, other than an extreme bias toward
truth, justice, and the American way.
There is only one man who has the credentials to oversee
Evil Doer Lay's secret tribunal. His name? Ralph Nader. As
George W. Bush has suggested, Judge Nader must be given full
authority over the tribunal, without exception. Judge Nader
must have power to deal with this criminal in any way that
he sees fit.
There should be no appeals, and the punishment that Judge
Nader deals out will be completely at his own discretion,
up to and including, the death penalty. John Ashcroft has
already said, and I must agree, that there should be no defense
attorneys, defense witnesses, and certainly no evidence allowed
in the tribunal. Any of these things could prejudice the judge,
hurt the government's case, or make the trial take too long.
We must not let evil win!
Americans, we must come together as one nation and support
our leaders in their pursuit of justice. A secret tribunal
for Evil Doer Lay is just the first step in this epic battle
of good people against Evil Doers. The next step, as George
W. Bush himself has said so many times, is to pinpoint and
arrest any government or government official who has supported
or aided Evil Doer Lay and his criminal organization. Either
you are with America, or you are with the Evil Doers. Onward,
my fellow Americans! Justice will be ours!
Mr. Coma may be flamed via email: firstname.lastname@example.org