Democratic Underground

This is no Whitewater
January 14, 2002
by Paul Winkelmann

This just in from Texas: Economic collapse destroys the lives of thousands as Enron Corp succumbs to financial fraudulence. By the grace of God, Chairman Kenneth Lay and all board members spared.

President Bush has courageously not named Enron Corp executives as unindicted co-conspirators of the most costly and criminally brazen one-company pile-up our country has ever seen. The White House issued a press release that effectively cleared Corporate Greed and Conservative Ideology as contributing factors to the devastation, even as billions upon billions of employee and investor dollars went up in a twisted fiery ball of molten Republicans.

Right-wing paramedics were immediately dispatched away from the scene of the destruction. They were last spotted, heroically fleeing the smoldering wreckage of what once was Enron Corp.

A RNC Emergency Response Squad quickly took in the breadth of the calamity and determined that The Realm was in mortal jeopardy. The still spinning skeletal remnants, gushing combustibles, and airborne hypocrisies, all inevitable results of our President's unmandated agenda, were swirling dangerously close to the Oval Office.

The Heir must be protected.

Sighs of relief could be heard as reports surfaced from the Supreme Court that The Five Justices have issued a "writ of idiotus protectionium". This writ reportedly supersedes the Constitution and mandates that a consensus of 9/10ths of our government's most prominent Republican officials must be reached before Congress can commission a legitimate investigation into Bush's relationship with Enron, Enron subsidiaries, or any other energy related company. Phony-baloney investigations are still sanctioned and even encouraged by the Justices' writ.

George II, Ari Fleischer, and Rush Limbaugh promptly set up a remote Alibi Triage Unit to administer treatment to the most critically afflicted GOP members and also to browbeat overly curious eyewitnesses.

First to be treated was Enron confidant and benefactor, Dick Cheney. Bush selflessly authorized the use of Marine-One to safely Medi-vac Cheney away from the burning ruins (and from the always life-threatening and ever present "liberal media"). Dick and his portfolio are reportedly licking their wounds in the inner bowels of the super secret "National Security" recovery bunker (just recently used by the VP when he scurried away from those nasty terrorists, who we are all bravely standing up to).

Those ticketed passengers of Mr. Lay, who weren't so directly damaged in the collision, were marched, lockstep, off to the comforting…oh so comforting, O.R. green rooms of FAUX Memorial Critical Care Studios.

Stated Objective: Receive emergency care for politically singed extremities, make contact with and converse with native friendlies (O'Reilly, Hannity, North, et al), and supply an anesthetically soothing alternative to the accurate account of the Bush administration's incestuous relationship with Enron Chairman Kenneth Lay.

FAUX's chief physician, Dr. Rupert Murdoch, was overheard instructing his newly arrived patients, "Remember men, when that camera light comes on, your bureaucratic health depends on the public swallowing one nasty tasting placebo. You've got to make them suspend the concept of reality and ignore the fact that Bush gave his favorite, and most generous, campaign contributor, the keys to the economy, a twelve-pack of high octane Red, White, & Blue Lager, access to all your official stationary, and then sent him off to the Millionaires Ball, aimed southbound in the northbound investor lanes." Dr. Murdoch concluded," If this prescription doesn't take effect immediately and you begin to feel some heat, any heat at all, take down two Clintons and call me in the morning."

As fingers were reluctantly being pointed at Enron's chief, Rush Limbaugh gallantly stood in the center of the carnage, proclaiming the obvious guilt of the thousands of victims who failed to get out of Mr. Lay's blundering way. "Clearly," Rush ranted, "Mr. Lay obeyed the rules of the road. Hell, he wrote the rules of the road."

Miraculously, when Lay rammed head-on into the oncoming bankruptcy, he was able to bail out, unharmed, landing gently on his golden parachute.

"It's not his fault," Rush added, "that he's a Top 1 percenter, a true Pioneer if you will, and can afford all the optional safety equipment. If you want your ride to be just as protected as his, you're just going to have to get off your lazy, Clinton loving, welfare asses, and work for it."

Meanwhile, Ari Fleischer tended to a confused White House Press Corp by providing assurances, several dozen assurances in fact, that Bush was left particularly unscathed by the demise of Enron.

"The President was no where near the accident scene. "He only heard about the accident in "the fall". Mr. Fleischer refused repeated requests to pinpoint the actual date beyond "the fall". Ari continued, "The President couldn't pick out Mr. Lay in a line-up." And "No, I have no knowledge as to why the President's panties were found at the scene, in the backseat of Mr. Lay's crumpled company."

The impromptu press conference abruptly ended when an AP reporter asked Mr. Fleischer if the Enron wreck didn't show some similarities to the Whitewater tragedy.

Ari glared at the reporter and screeched, "Of course not. Ex-President Clinton lost money. Mr. Clinton did not have his energy policy scripted by Enron. Mr. Clinton's VP wasn't the one refusing the GAO's legal instruction to turn over documents pertaining to Enron. Arthur Anderson LLP did not, I repeat, did not audit and then shred or otherwise destroy Mrs. Clinton's files. President Bush did not have consummated oral sex with that man, Mr. Lay."

"And John Ashcroft, Paul O'Neill, Peter Fisher, Karl Rove, Donald L. Evans, and Dick Cheney are all members of the current administration. So, you tell me, smarty-pants, how could they possibly not inform President Clinton that Mr. Lay was inappropriately contacting them with insider information, just as he was cashing out of Enron, when they had a responsibility to not inform their own boss, President Bush, that Mr. Lay was inappropriately contacting them with insider information, just as he was cashing out of Enron?"

Mr. Fleischer concluded with, "As you can see by my examples, this situation is completely different from Whitewater. It's as clear as Houston's atmosphere, that President Bush has kept his promise to bring his own brand of honor and respect back to the White House."

Mr. Fleischer then stormed off the podium.

As we go to press, no one unassociated with the Bush administration has been extradited alive from the debris of Enron Corp.

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