The Afghan Two-Step
November 9, 2001
by PJ McIlvane
Location: the desolate Afghanistan desert.
Two of terrorist Osama Bin Laden's lowly Taliban warriors, Bin Badda Bing and Bin There Done That, gather up dropped USA food parcels.
Bin Badda Bing: Ah, these stupid Americans. They think these paltry food drops are going to feed the starving, poor, wretched Afghan masses. Don't they know that we're going to sell their stale peanut butter on the black market at inflated prices?
Bin There Done That steps gingerly.
Bin There Done That: But Bin Badda Bing, what about all the land mines? I could lose my foot.
Bin Badda Bing hits Bin There Done That with the butt of his rifle.
Bin Badda Bing: Better your foot than your miserable head. If we return without these packages, The Mighty Oz will have us for din-din.
Bin There Done That scoops up a package and sighs with relief.
Bin There Done That: Bin Badda Bing, you've been to America.
Bin Badda Bing: Wonderful place. I got my MTV! And I can always return and be an underpaid aviation security guard. What a country.
Bin There Done That: If America is so great, why instead of embracing capitalist culture, must we live like prehistoric cave dwellers?
Bin Badda Bing: Because we are the chosen people, you idiot.
Bin There Done That: We have been chosen to remain poor and illiterate?
Bin Badda Bing: Not us. We are part of the Afghani elite. Our anthrax comes from Iraq, our guns from Russia and our jeans from Land's End. A computer is a wonderful thing.
Bin There Done That: If the computer is so wonderful, why don't we order Pizza Hut?
Suddenly a loud explosion forces the two Bins to hit the ground nose first.
Bin Badda Bing: Those stupid mines. They are so annoying. It is like playing Twister.
Bin There Done That: Why did you join the Taliban?
Bin Badda Bing: Other than them holding my wife and children hostage?
Bin There Done That: You did not join because it is a crusade and a holy war?
Bin Badda Bing: Have you ever seen my wife and children? You ask many questions. Who do you think you are? Regis?
The Bins rise and wipe the sand from their faces.
Bin There Done That: But if Osama Bin Laden is truly behind the terrorist attacks on America, should he not be held accountable?
Bin Badda Bing: Of course. But right now, nobody knows anything. The stupid Americans think Dubya was elected President. Did you see that picture of The Thief in Chief wearing that Chinese jacket? I was rolling in my figs.
Bin There Done That manages to avoid another mine...barely.
Bin There Done That: If the truth be told, I am tired of being tired and poor. And I keep tripping on my beard.
Bin Badda Bing: If you shaved your beard off, that means that I would have to look at your ugly son of a camel's ass face all the time. Afghanistan has been poor and downtrodden for centuries. The Allied bombing will only make us more poor and downtrodden. And angry. More grist for the propaganda mill. Bush Lite played right into our hands.
Bin There Done That steps on a land mine and is obliterated.
Bin Badda Bing picks up another armload of food.
Bin Badda Bing: Maybe next time the crazy Americans will be so good as to drop some can openers.
