by no no
"Mah fellow 'mericans."
President George Bush stops and pauses for dramatic effect,
catching the eyes of those standing on the lawn of the White
House. They wait patiently for him to continue. Suddenly he
realizes he doesn't know what his speech is supposed to be
about, and he raises his chin in the air defiantly to kill
more time. Desperately he scans the crowd for Dick Cheney,
who luckily appears right next to him and hands him the speech.
Bush glances down and sighs with relief when he sees it's
more about the terrorism issues.
"Easy," he thinks, "I'll just discuss the problem
of the evil-dewars."
He clears his throat and addresses the mass of people again.
"Mah fellow 'Mericans, we have reached a point where too
much is just too much. The problem at hand here is the evil
Quickly Bush glances down and pulls open the drawer of the
podium, surreptitiously checking to see if his flask of Dewars
is still there. It is. He grins and shuts the drawer.
"Oh, Lord," whispers an intern standing in the crowd, "Was
that just a flask of Dewars in his podium?"
"Dewars? What's that?" The intern next to her responds quietly.
"Dewars. It's a very cheap, sleazy, low-grade scotch. I thought
George quit drinking."
"Apparently not," snickered the other intern. "Wait, listen
to what he's saying now."
The two turn back to the president as he takes a sip of water,
swallows, and continues.
"This blatant act of war on our country will not go unpunished.
These evil dewars must be stopped." Again he quickly glances
down and, reassured that his alcohol is still there, attempts
a determined face to show the people that he means business.
Those in the crowd who have not seen the flask believe he
is talking about the "evil-doers," but the two interns
know he is addressing his drinking problem.
"The war against terrorism?" the first one whispers. "More
like the war against alcoholism. Looks like old George has
fallen off the wagon. He can't even stop looking in his drawer
to see if that flask is still there." The two are suddenly
morose. The first intern shakes her head.
"This is terrible. Our country is possibly going into war
and Bush is so consumed with alcohol that he can't even get
through a simple speech without elusively addressing his own
Unexpectedly, Bush raises his voice and rips the Dewars out
of his podium, brandishing it above the crowd amongst many
"THIS is the evil Dewars!" He screams. "I can't hide mah
problem any longer! But I am a man of GOD and I will NOT let
this scotch bring me and mah country down!"
Violently he throws it on the ground where it shatters into
a million pieces. On the verge of tears, he grips the edge
of the podium and clenches his teeth.
"This war must be stopped. Look what it is doing to me, look
what it is doing to mah country! I cannot and will not allow
this to continue. And so, as of right now, I've decided to
declare war! A war that will stop this madness, a war that
will end everything! We, the United States of America, are
declaring war on Scotland! Because this flask of Scotch is
the root of all mah problems!"
"AND the problems of this wonderful country!" He adds.
A hush falls over the crowd. No one can tell Bush that Scotland
isn't terrorizing him or the United States, and as this realization
slowly sets in, despair permeates the crowd.
"Act one in the war against Alcoho--er, Terrorism!" Bush
shouts, again raising a fist. Everyone claps, and Bush returns
to the White House.
"I need a beer," he thinks. "It's been a long, long day."