Democratic Underground

The Windmills of War (According to the Faux Network)
November 7, 2001
by AJA

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Dutch Attack Luxemburg! Land grab for dirt drives the Dutch!

The news from Fox Network was not good today, as was revealed the inner machinations of the secret move by the Dutch against the Luxemburgers. Even before President Bush rejected the Kyoto treaty this past spring the Dutch were worried about the affects of the Earth's warming upon their nation. In fact as one of their ministers said in an off the record remark, "Hell, wait for the tide of history? Hoot, mon, we're worried about the damn North Sea tide!" As a result of this mindset, the Dutch months ago entered into secret negotiations for the sorely needed natural resource the Luxemburgers held at the famous "Mt. de Dur(t)." In case the talks failed, the Dutch also had a backup plan to tunnel into Luxemburg and steal the dirt but each tunnel the Dutch dug quickly filled with water, thus propelling them towards the fateful course of invasion.

It was revealed by a mole in the talks that the negotiations between the Dutch and Luxemburgers were sidetracked by a proposal from the North Koreans who also offered a bid on the Luxemburg dirt. It seems that the North Koreans now into the seventh year of famine, have run out of even dirt to eat, so they have offered to the "Luxies" tactical nuclear weapons in exchange for the dirt. One official close to the negotiations informed the press early today, that the "Luxies" were driving a hard bargain, and "the dirt was not going dirt-cheap." This infuriated the Dutch who thought they had a deal, but it now appears likely that the mountain the Dutch were counting on is now more of a mole hill. And as usual, the Low Country cousins of the Dutch, the Belgians, are unsure of themselves and are enduring yet another season of ridicule as those "waffling Belgians."

At an emergency meeting of the EU the French representative faced accusations of collusion between the French and "Luxies" when both the Germans and British pointed out that Limburger cheese could be quickly converted to Luxemburger cheese at a moment's notice. And both the Brits and Germans stated in no uncertain terms that they considered those cheeses to be "weapons of mass destruction," thereby prompting the French delegate to storm furiously from the conference, later recalled to Paris and replaced.

It was this latter twist, which infuriated the Americans. It seems the new French EU head representative, Viscount Verisimilitude, bragged about being a direct descendent of Napoleon and Josephine. A quick check reveled that the Viscount was true to his name as it was revealed that his parents were in fact the Man from U.N.C.L.E., Napoleon Solo and Josephine Baker. Yet more ominous was the revelation in the American press of the Viscount's past marital history. It seems in his official biography the Viscount stated that "I married Morgan Fairchild after Tommy Flanagan." It is yet uncertain the meaning of this and the Viscount is telling the press, "Don't ask, I will lie anyway, so why, why, even ask me?"

Upon hearing this US Senator Jesse "Scooter" Helms wheeled and willed himself on the floor of the nearly empty US Senate and delivered the most devastating speech to his cause yet, entitled, "A good homo sapien is a hetero sapien." Thankfully only Senator Helms' old Paleolithic pal Senator Strom Thurmond was in the chamber at the time, sleeping as usual.

Communications seemed to be cut after this last report. More will be shown tonight on the Fox Network special program called "The Windmills of War."

On a sad note, famous Amsterdam resident, Urethra Urethrasen, aged 98 and the model for the "little Dutch boy" of the 1920's attempted to join the millions of valiant Dutch repairing the dams and dikes from the ravages of the North Sea tide. Unfortunately failing health, hearing, and worse, failing eyesight caused him to attempt to plug one. However, he was beaten senseless and unconscious, by the woman with her wooden shoes. Later investigations revealed that the shoes were, in fact, banned by the Geneva Convention. And as usual, the Swiss "deny all knowledge of anything, at anytime, anywhere."