Democratic Underground

Thank You, America
October 11, 2001
By Terry Vanden-Bosch

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My Fellow Americans,

The first shots have been fired in our glorious war of revenge and justice. And when the announcement came, Americans cheered and waved their flags in a rush of patriotic frenzy. It was a sight to behold. Even sports arenas paused to chant the name of capitalistic glory - America!

Your reaction warmed the hearts of your elected leaders. We've gladly given you entertainment extravaganzas and a renewed sense of loyalty in our global superiority. And in return, you've given us a blank check for our most important war ever. We thank you from the bottom of our corporate-owned hearts.

The challenge that faces us now is maintaining this glorious momentum. And we will do our part. We promise to fill the airwaves with pictures of the ungodly destruction these terra-ists inflict on our sacred land. We will never let an opportunity pass to inspire your rage and self- righteous anger. It's the least we can do.

Our necessary media controls may limit the information you receive about our military actions, but don't be concerned. As one of our enlightened congresswomen stated, we must not let reporters "seesaw on every side, balancing reporting. That's not democracy." Much of what we must do in this time of global crusade needs the cover of fog and darkness to achieve its goal. You don't want the details anyway. You needn't clutter your minds with troop movements, military budget expenditures and collateral damage when you can focus on great American entertainments like network programming.

Show the world you are not afraid. Return to your patriotic habits of spending, consumption and excess. What is good for American corporations is good for America. We'll do the heavy thinking for you. And to keep you up to date we'll write stirring speeches for delivery by your Commander-in-Chief to the approving cheers of the network correspondents.

We know your concerns. Our hidden enemy will try to maximize your fears. But we have fighter jets patrolling our coasts, National guardsmen checking transportation ports and a Homeland Security Office that is anticipating their every move. And should an evil one slip through, the chances are great that it won't be you who suffers. Their actions will only create new heroes and opportunities for us to prove the value of hatred and single- minded revenge. We are the greatest military power on earth and cannot fail to subdue third world countries with little electricity and few flushing toilets.

We will prevail. Have no fear when our battles extend beyond the Afghanistan borders. Those who do not support us do not deserve the obscene profits they make off our energy needs. We will bring to reality our master plan for control of the mid east oil fields.

And someday, in the future, when this war is but a few pages in the history books you can take pride in knowing your response to our media campaigns contributed greatly to America's success. You were a key player in the globalization and profitable reconstruction of the world's fuel supplies.

God bless you and God bless America.