Democratic Underground

Swarm of IntSecs
October 6, 2001
by Quasit

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Bush Administration Announces Creation of New Security Agency

WASHINGTON DC — At a press conference this morning Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer announced the formation of a new Cabinet-level security department: The Internal Security Police, part of the new Office of Homeland Security. "Under the direct authority of the President, this enforcement arm of Homeland security is authorized to take swift and ruthless action against terrorism in all its forms: be they suicide bombers, bioterrorists, drug terrorists, pot smokers, Internet terrorists, copyright infringers, or sedition terrorists." Fleischer reported. "This desperately-needed bureau will protect our sacred Homeland while hardly suppressing any more of your civil liberties. Most Americans will not even be aware of IntSec. In fact, you are required by law to ignore any IntSec activities, no matter how obvious. That includes the press, of course."

A reporter's attempts at questioning Mr. Fleischer resulted in the prompt appearance of black-uniformed officers with handsome "IntSec" patches. "I'd like to thank the New York Times for providing me with an opportunity to demonstrate the efficiency of our new organization," Mr. Fleischer said with a boyish grin. Apparently imitating President Bush's charming and much-beloved sense of humor, Fleischer added "Hey Adam! We all know you're a major-league asshole, but you don't need to keep bashing your face against those nightsticks! That won't improve your looks. Ouch!" Reporters in the press pool tittered nervously as Mr. Clymer was carried away.

"Freedom is precious," said Mr. Fleischer solemnly, "and the new Internal Security Police will make us more free, by protecting our freedoms. And since the President knows that a free press is an important freedom, we've assigned a team of crack IntSec officers to each of your personally, as well as to your news organizations. Speaking of which, this will be the final press briefing at the White House. From now on, all news will be relayed directly to your organizations through your IntSec liaison officers."

Civil liberties advocates reacted with some alarm to the creation of the new agency. Harrison Jurgen of the American Civil Liberties Union reportedly said "In these times of danger we must strive not only to remain unified, but to hold on to the basic values of freedom and—hey, what are y—ow! Hey, quit—oof! AAIEEE! Thud."

— QNN, Quasit Network News