Democratic Underground

You Might Be a Republican if...
July 16, 2001
by John Cory

Don't know if you're a Blue Dog Democrat or a real Compassionate Conservative? Nervous with being called a moderate? Feeling enthralled with Bush "soul peering?" Is your "inner child" an inner "GOP-PY?" What exactly is a Republican and how do you know if you are one? The following guideline should help you resolve your doubts.

You might be a Republican if:

You think HMO is a cable channel.

You support a waiting period for abortions but not for gun purchases.

You believe the "greenhouse effect" means better gardens.

You think deregulation of the airline industry has been successful.

You believe God is everywhere - except your motel room.

Liberal applies to the amount of scotch in your glass, and moderate to the water.

The only "gay" you support - is the Enola Gay.

You believe judges have become political activists - except for the Supreme Court.

You believe trial lawyers are evil except in the case of the 2000 election.

You believe the NRA contributes more to American life than the NEA.

You think banks and the government should keep your private financial records for years but have no right to keep gun purchase data for more than 24 hours.

You believe a free press can not only be bought, but can also be profitable.

You believe censorship is included in the First Amendment.

You believe global warming is an advertising campaign by Coppertone.

You believe money is free speech.

You think death and taxes should only apply to the middle-class and poor.

You support caps on jury awards but not on corporate energy price gouging.

You see Monopoly as not just a board game but as good business for America.

You think of reality TV as Fox News.

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