Democratic Underground

The Cuddly And Lovable Robert Novak
July 7, 2001
by Bradford Shaw

When leading conservatives get together to compare notes and discuss media control and representation, Robert Novak is surely a subject of affectionate adoration. With his slightly sardonic smile, which, as an aside, resembles the smile and basic dental structure of "Mr. Sardonicus" the title character of the classic black and white horror film, he is sure to charm and warm the heart of his fellow right wingers.

His basic 'speak tough, with the hint of peanut butter on the back of your palate' style has held the undivided attention of many a young Republican intern of both sexes for several decades now. In addition, the combination of his citified manner, coupled with a patented Wall Street look has guaranteed his desirability to both conservative women, and, I'm sure, some conservative men. Whichever way you swing your golf club, Bob Novak has you covered in the conservative hunk category.

From his many appearances on CNN's Crossfire, to his own show, Evans and Novak (later, Evans, Novak, Hunt and Shields), and including a regular seat on The Capital Gang, the ubiquitous Mr. Novak is undoubtedly one of the leading spokesmen for the Republican cause. His opinions are heard weekly, if not nightly, and he freely voices the concerns, hopes, dreams, and narrow focused plans of his fellow conservatives. He is a paragon of virtue and a true role model for short, balding and unintelligible middle-aged property owners throughout the United States.

Though sometimes tough and unrelenting in his expression of opinion, Robert Novak (Bob to his friends) has several qualities that make him cuddly and lovable.

Cuddly and Lovable?

Granted, Bob Novak is a conservative icon, but what makes him so cuddly and lovable? Several answers immediately come into focus. The first indication of his true cuddly nature comes in the form of his belief in the rights of the 'unborn'. The picture of the grizzled, stern, and sometimes strident Novak holding a newborn baby in his arms would be enough to melt the heart of even the most jaded liberal. The very thought of him tickling and playing with the baby is quite endearing to most average people, and with every 'cootchie-coo' and 'I'm gonna get your nose!' uttered, Bob wins automatic points with soccer moms across the country.

We, as a nation, know that every conservative who is for the banning of abortion rights has the welfare of the unborn child in mind. It has nothing to do with the need for a localized working class, or the attempt to legislate morality. We also know that conservatives like Novak would jump at the chance to support these unwanted children emotionally and fiscally. We all know that is a fact, right? No? What do you mean that Novak wouldn't be caught dead holding a baby, fearing that it could leak feces, urine, or vomit onto his Brooks Brothers suit?

Well there are other reasons. Another measure of cuddliness is the physical factor. Robert Novak is rather small in stature, even though that fact is not readily apparent to the average television viewer. Due to his diminutive size, he is readily placed into the 'I could just pick him up and cuddle him for hours!' category that is often reserved for Robert Reich.

In addition, he has a certain 'Bulldog' appearance due to his facial structure and poor comb-over. Bulldogs, especially English bulldogs, are cuddly and lovable. They are ugly to the point of being cute, with their wrinkled brows and floppy jowls. Just like Bob. English bulldogs also have an adorable, if not nearly intelligible bark, which is a direct result of a respiratory system, which prevents them from being heard in a normal manner, due to the presence of excess tissue. Kind of similar to Mr. Novak's dental structure and palate, which make him difficult to understand at times.

Another thing that endears Novak to average Americans is his desire to express himself through his automobile. He lives the cliché of the older, semi-retired citizen who feels the need to rekindle the flames of his youth through the ownership and use of what could be classified as an inappropriate vehicle for a person of his age and reaction time, a Chevrolet Corvette. Most Americans would agree that it is an individuals right to drive whatever automobile he or she can afford, providing that they can handle the complexity of ownership through driving safely and responsibly, with the proper insurance and license.

Mr. Novak's insistence on owning and driving a high powered sports car such as the Corvette, reminds people of that slightly eccentric uncle with the Porsche, or perhaps an aunt with a motorcycle fetish. It's adorable and quite human to want to step out of your everyday role and escape to a fantasy world, even if it's just for the commute to work.

Personally, there isn't enough insurance and traffic control available for me to feel safe on the road with Bob. I would be afraid that his senior citizen reaction time couldn't cut it while driving such a high performance vehicle. In addition, he might receive an important cell phone call that could distract him and possibly lead to an accident, or worse, more airtime on CNN. I am sure that Mr. Novak makes enough money to be able to afford a driver. Please, Bob, for the sake of the rest of us, hire a limo.

That aside, another reason to find Novak lovable, is his concern for the financial outlook for our nation. For many years, he has championed the cause of fiscal conservatism, in Washington and elsewhere. He has repeated his support for downsizing the federal government in an effort to save the financial fortunes of all working class Americans, as well as their well-to-do neighbors. Nothing warms the heart of conservative America like a spokesperson such as Novak making reference to the fact that 'Social Security' and 'Public assistance such as welfare and food stamps' were never mentioned outright in the Constitution or Bill of Rights.

Such federal programs are, in his opinion, unconstitutional, and a waste of federal resources. They should be done away with in favor of faith-based charities, he says. He and his fellow conservatives never mention getting rid of the charitable tax deduction for churches however, and would probably become addicted to such a mechanism in future years in order to relieve themselves of unnecessary tax burden\s.

A Lovable Conservative Role Model

In terms of lovability, Robert Novak literally oozes charisma. With each new television appearance, Bob treats us to a non-stop assailment of liberalism, tolerance, and inclusiveness in a manner that appears extremely popular with the right-wing crowd. His attacks are constant, consistent, and concise, according to his own standards. This year-in, year-out ideological stubbornness is nearly unparalleled in modern politics, and is seen as an attractive feature by fellow Republican spokesmen. They see his implacable demand for worldwide conservatism as strength, not a weakness. They consider his inability to progress forward as 'grounding in tradition', or 'an ability to stay the course'.

This is quite sexy to the small minority of rich, and ultra-rich patrons of Republican politics. Every time he attempts to quash progressive ideas that might jeopardize the status quo of the top money holders in this country, he makes unseen brownie points with them. Every time he champions the rights of the unborn, some unattractive behemoth of a woman in Middle America quakes with Novak lust. And additionally, every time he puts down the Democrats, some lovely 350-pound Novak groupie of undetermined sexuality is sent into a 'case of the vapors'.

Another aspect of his lovability is his unchallenged mastery of elocution and nuance. His communication skills are unusual, to say the least, and his selection as media representative to one of the worlds leading news sources is bold and unprecedented in nature. It was a bold decision, in that many Americans can remember hearing a teacher or lecturer who sounded like Novak sometime in high school or college. This educator usually had a nickname such as 'mush-mouth' or 'unintelligible-man', and was made fun of by the entire student body. With this type of communication, one usually finds oneself sympathizing with the poor schlep, feeling a deep sense of pity for those less fortunate than us.

We also have a tendency to empathize with these people, and can often find such shortcomings and signs of humanity as endearing qualities, in a sort of self-deprecating way. Well as you can see, Robert Novak can, and does, show himself to be extremely lovable to a certain audience segment with each televised appearance. After reading this article, the next time that you watch Crossfire, listen for the trademark Novak growl as he signs off with "We'll see you next time with another addition of Crossfire!" and imagine the hoards of conservative fans, hanging on every word, anticipating his moves and body language, wishing that they could just give him a hug. He is so cuddly and lovable.

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