Democratic Underground

The Ten Stages of Republicanism
July 3, 2001
from My Devilish Dictionary© by John Cory

1. Witty and Charming

This is stage is marked by the warm friendly use of foreign phrases such as: "Au contraire my liberal friend." or "It's all laissez faire to me buddy!"

2. Warm Family Man

"Naturally I love my wife, but she just seems so liberal lately. She doesn't understand me the way you do."

3. Rich and Famous

"Of course I'm just a congressman now, but one day I'll run my very own oil company."

4. Benevolent and Giving

"Don't you worry baby, once I'm in charge money is no object. Smog or no smog, the sky is the limit!"

5. The Stall

"Rules were meant to be broken by the right people! Why else would we have double standards? Scrutiny and open government are not always a good thing."

6. Patriotism Kicks In

"Damn those lucky kids! I coulda been a soldier too! My proctologist wouldn't let me go. I tried, but all those minorities enlisted and took all the good combat jobs so I had to go to college instead. Damn the luck!"

7. Warm Up The Enola Gay - I'm Ready

"You tell those godless commie bastages that I'm sending our young men and women over to kick their asses! And after that, I'm gonna fry 'em with my secret nukyular laser beams from Mars! I'll push the button. I will!"

8. Invisible

"What Arkansas Project?"

9. Witty and Charming (part II)

"All I want to do is preserverate civility and dignity. My whole emphatisis is stratospheric partisanship for the benevolence of what little citizenry voted for me over selectoral processes."

10. Bulletproof

"Damn those White House vandals! If it weren't for them everyone could see that I'm merely using appropriate manners in thanking those who bought my campaign balloons and other stuff."

Bonus Round (also known as the Blubbering Stage)

"Aw come on! Stop it! Kings-X! I was not lying, just under-telling the truth. Is that a reason to call for an investigation? Come on man, I'm telling Uncle Dick if you don't stop! No fair! I'm tellin FOX! I am! I really am! I'm tellin!"

Printer-friendly version
Tell a friend about this article Tell a friend about this article
Discuss this article
Want to write for Democratic Underground? Click here.

View All Articles