- A Jovian Vista
by Jorge Root
To: Jovian Institute for extraterrestrial study
From: Major Zorac, Deep-Space Probe z2999-1
Subject: The colonization of Deep-space-object 'Earth'
From xert 2 to apog 23, 10004 (Earth calendar - Feb 1 to
Jun 4, 2001), observations of deep-space-object (DSO) 'Earth'
have shown that considerable problems exist among it's inhabitants.
The most noticable and disturbing of the problems is a lack
of a viable communications process among the masses. We had
first noticed this while speed browsing a piece of literature
known to earthlings as an encyclopedia. We came across the
word 'Newton' and found it used no less than 3 times, each
time being a different context.
In one instance it refered to a person named Sir Isaac Newton,
a scientist that lived 300 years ago. Then a second occurance
of the word appeared, again assigned as a name to a person.
This time it was a person of opposite gender, 'Juice Newton'.
This was particularily confusing given the fact that on our
planet, Jupiter, every person has unique identity. How else
could our Roving Neutron Degeneracy Sensors track the people?
Also 'Juice' can be a drink made from any of the many fruit
bearing plants on Earth. So in this case we have a first name
and a last name, each having multiple meanings. The third
occurance of the word 'newton' describes an edible substance
that has an outer shell of soft brown substance and a filling
of dark brown substance. At first, this multiple use of a
word was thought to be a one time occurance. We surely wouldn't
find this to be designed into their language.
Not much thought was given to this anomaly as we continued
on with our task at hand of measuring every aspect of this
DSO for potential colonization. Then came April 1 on the earth
calendar. What appeared to be a simple accident between 2
air-vehicles, (AV) offered evidence that we should re-visit
the multiple use factor of their language. First, the accident
involved AV's of 2 nations, one named China and one named
the United States (US). These 2 nations, along with a nation
named Russia make-up the 3 largest and most powerful of all
the nations on Earth. Of the 3, the US is by far the most
powerful and here is where our data shows we must concentrate
our studies. The way the US goes, the way Earth goes. It is
the uncontested leader of this DSO.
After the collision, the US, without first asking permission,
landed their AV on an island belonging to China. This resulted
in China refusing to return the AV and the crew until the
US apologized. Thus A new word had been brought to our attention.
Apparently this word has many meanings and uses. China and
the US argued for several weeks over the meaning of the word.
Each side offered different meanings for the word and tried
to convince the other side and earthlings in general of the
meaning. Eventually the US made an apology and stated emphatically
"This apology expresses our sorrow but does not admit any
wrong". This was good enough and the crew was returned.
It may be in order here to point out that the US is run by
what is called a president. This person is elected every 4
earth years and while in office gets to pick a team of people
to help with the running of the government. The one in office
at the present time is named 'Bush'. Even the president's
name has double meaning. In one case it is a persons name
and in another case, a plant. It appears that having noticed
this, the earthlings decided to call the president another
name to not confuse him with the plant by the same name. The
name they picked is 'Shrub.' We are still investigating the
connection between the words Bush and Shrub.
It was this president and his team that issued the China
Ironically it was this same president that would, a few weeks
later be facing another 'apology' situation. Although all
the laws of government are not clear yet, we do know that
the president always resides in a place called the White House.
When Shrub moved in for his 4-year term, he and his staff
claimed there was severe damage, theft of government items
and general vandalism. He blamed the outgoing president.
Now 4 months later, there is evidence the story of damage,
theft and vandalism was fabricated and the outgoing president's
staff is asking for an apology. This time Shrub says there
will be no apology. Period. Here's where we are lost for an
answer. Why would a president apologize to a foreign country
for something that he claims he didn't do and not apologize
to his own fellow countrymen for something that all evidence
says he did do? None of this makes sense. Especially since
we have found out that one can take this word apology a step
further. You can change the spelling slightly and it becomes
a word of different meaning. Like this, apology implies both
guilt and regret. Simply change the spelling to 'apologia'
and it implies a defensible explanation.
Now you can see what we have been up against during our 4
month observation of Earth. It seems nothing makes sense to
us. This presents a major concern which we will get to later.
First I would like to point out that not only did we find
this outlined strangeness in Earthspeak but we have also notice
that President Bush seems to have his own rules of grammer,
almost like his own language. When he speaks, we are unable
to understand what he is saying. This is because some of the
words he uses are not found in the Earth dictionary which
is a document of approximately 80,000 words which fits nicely
within the counting capability of an average earthling.
At this point things begin to get bizarre. You see, the earthlings
seem to understand what Shrub is saying even though none of
it is documented. In fact they even make caricature drawings
of what he says, then sit around and point at them and carry
on laughing and such. We have found this to be strange behavior
to say the least. It also could be a blessing in disguise.
They may be showing their real selves.
This brings us back to the 'major concern' I had mentioned.
During the last 4 months of observing this DSO, we have run
all standard tests. We have skipped nothing. Earth has passed
all the tests including the Dynamid Entity Cluster test, the
Cosmic Back- ground Emissions test and Synchrotron Radiation
test. Our findings show that the earthlings, although strange
looking and clumsy, are very intelligent beings. We would
be well served to take note of this and proceed with caution
before trying to colonize this DSO.
We also have data pointing to what we think is an intentional
cover-up. Shrub is not the real president. The earth words
for it would be 'fake', 'stunt-double' and 'stand-in'. Noticing
the lack of any defense of outside forces, one has to wonder
if the apparently intelligent earthlings are not shielding
themselves with a ploy, where they appear to be stupid or
even morons, witness their president, and when the invasion
starts, out comes the real defense, whatever that may be.
We can come to no other conclusion.
Here are the results from the Rapidly Repetitive Burst Distribution
Analyzer Computer when we analyzed several 'cover-up' scenarios.
Although each scenario returned a some- what unique set of
analysis data, all scenarios agreed on one point. Shrub is
not the real president of the US. Additionally the results
agreed in majority on the name of the real US president. Unfortunately
that data was returned as encrypted data and we are passing
it on to you for scrutiny by the Callisto Cryptography Center.
Here is the data as returned to us.
ORGE SI EHT LERA DENTPREIS.
Finally I would like to summarize this report. Over the last
4 months, my crew and I have observed thousands of earthlings.
We have studied their urban centers, their mega-plex population
centers, their territorial societies and most of all their
irrational behavior. We find the public pretense of being
moronic is a communal extension of grasping for security.
They have found their fantasies to work for them in the past
and uncontrolled fantasies can turn to reality or at least
the perceived reality of success. This is their defense for
the future. It is without any reseve that I and my crew strongly
recommend you put aside all plans to colonize this DSO. At
least long enough to find out the name of the real president
of the US. At that time we will be able to determine if earthling
presidents are truly morons or if it is an act, waiting for
the unsuspecting warrior to make foolhardy attacks in hopes
of a quick victory? How long will that be? According to our
on-board computers it will be approximately 1271 days or somewhere
around the first week of Nov 2004. We will know the answer
at that time.
Meanwhile, I have reset all navigational systems to point
us to another DSO named 'Mars.' It is only a days journey
from Earth which will allow us to further our quest for Jovian
Colonization and at the same time keep an eye on the earthlings.
Until my next report, I am respectfully yours.
Major Zorac, Jovian patriot and DSO observer.