A Memo From Baby Bush
May 24, 2001
intercepted by Rebecca Salcedo

To: Poppy
From: Dubya
Re: This sucky job!!!!!!

Poppy I am really, really, really mad at you! You said it would be fun to be President, but it really, really, really, really, really, sucks! This job sucks for the reasons below:

1) Dicky got the big pretty office and I got an old card table in the broom closet.

2) Folks keeps pickin on me cause those dang A-rabs keep causin gas prices to rise.

     a) When I thought we could drill in that reserve in Alaska them dang enviro-mentalists tore me a new one. Who cares about those smelly fleabags anyway? Just gimme my lucky shotgun-bang, bang, bang - that'll learn'em!

     b) Jebby won't let me drill in Florida! Now, this really steams me!!! Ain't I the President? Ain't he my bother? Ain't I older? Shouldn't he be on my side? Ain't he a Republican? I hope Janet Reno whoops his butt big time!!

     Dang I lost count!

• Them dang Chinese won't give me my plane back! Its my plane not theirs! I want it back, dangit!!!!!!!!!
• Folks are blamin me cause we got kicked off of the Un-Human Rights Commission. I don't know what the big deal is. Why would we wanna be on an Un-Human commission anyway?
• Folks are callin me a hippocrat (I'm not sure what this means - somethin like a hippo and a dang Democrat, I suppose. Anyway, it doesn't sound good!) cause Dicky invited some moneybags over to his house the other night. I don't know why I should get into trouble cause Dicky did somethin stupid! I thought he was supposed to keep me out of trouble?
• Them dang Democrats in Congress are holdin up my tax bill. Dicky sez they're lovin it to death. I didn't understand that at first. Let me tell you, it gave me one heck of a headache tryin to figger why them dang Democrats were holdin up my bill if they loved it. Then Dicky explained that 'lovin' means they are attachin a whole bunch of silly addments to it so folks won't vote for it. That's a dang sneaky thing to do! (And all this time I thought 'lovin' was what me and Laury do on Friday nights - heh, heh)
• And worst of all, that dang Senator from Vermont sez he's not gonna be a Republican no more. He's goin Independent and joinin up with them dang Democrats. All cause some ninny forgot to invite him to some a lawn party. Dicky sez that means them dang Democrats will be in charge of the Senate and they are gonna give me even more trouble with my bills. Dang, Dang, Dang!!!!!! I'm gonna change his nickname to Dang Democrat - that'll learn 'em!

So, Poppy - with all due respect - you can take this job and stuff it! Let Dicky be President. He's bossy and won't let me do anything anyway. I wanna go back to Texas and run my baseball team. That was fun!!!

PS: I get to keep the big plane with the comfy chairs, right?