Democratic Underground

Interview with Herr Cheney
May 28, 2001
by Anonymous

Scene: Cheney's office in Washington. It is a large somber room lined with fuming vats with spigots that are slowly dripping into office wastebaskets. Cheney is seated in an enormous high-backed chair surmounted by two German eagles. He is wearing a military cap and a stiff-necked tunic bearing an Iron Cross. One of his fingers sports a replica of Field-Marshall Hermann Goering's poison ring inscribed, "Heart Medicine." He is interviewing a young man who is seated in a wheelchair, his head is just visible above Cheney's gargantuan desk.

Herr Cheney: Ach mein boy are you shtill driving a Cadillac?

Kid: I never had one Mr. Cheney, sir, I have a 1985 Chevy Nova with 95,000 miles. It's handicapped equipped for my wheelchair.

Herr Cheney: Vee hear that you are ushing it for joy riding and are vasting gas. (Shouting) Der ist an energy crisis do your hear!

Kid: (In tears) I only drive to school and to my rehabilitation.

Herr Cheney: From now on you vill valk to therapy and school. It vill strengthen your body for the Vaterland.

Kid: Yes sir Mr. Cheney. Please sir, could you turn on the air conditioner the fumes are making me nauseous.

Herr Cheney: Dot shtupid office boy forgot to empty the vaste baskets. Ver ist dot idiot. (Cupping his hands and shouting) Georgie, Georgie kum here!

Kid: Isn't he the President, Mr. Cheney?

Herr Cheney: Ve haf to keep up appearances. I am der Fuehrer here.

(Bush enters. He is wearing a boy's short pants, a Pokemon T-shirt, knee socks and sneakers. Cheney is visibly annoyed and his face has turned crimson)

Herr Cheney: Georgie, you dumkopf you forgot to empty the vaste baskets! Dis place shmells to high heaven. Ver haf you been?

Georgie: Colin was giving me Anglish lessons. He taught me to say "retreat" to use with the Koreens.

Herr Cheney: Idiot, de vord is "regret" and it was for the Chinese! I vill penalize you for the terrible job you are doing no more marshmallows for your barbecues for a week!

Georgie: Aw gee whiz, Dick, you already took away my Hershey bars last week.

Herr Cheney: Vot is dis "Dick" shtuff? (Exploding) I am Mr. Cheney to you und don't forget dot! Now get moving with the vaste baskets!

Georgie: Yes sir, hair Cheney.

(Bush wheels out a shopping cart and loads it with waste baskets labeled "Arsenic for water supply", "Toxic sludge for playgrounds" and "Salmonella for school lunch boxes." He slowly trudges out with the sludge dripping on the Presidential carpet.)

Kid: Goodness, he is helping Ralph Nader. But please Mr. Cheney, Why are you treating Mr. Bush that way?

Herr Cheney: Ve are fair. Efrebody is treated alike Africans, immigrants, Gypsies und homosexuals.

Kid: But Mr. Cheney Vy er why you talking so funny?

Herr Cheney: Vell, mein boy if I sound like Reichs-Marshall Hermann Goering then the Christian Nazis vill support me in the next election.

Kid: (His eyes open wide.) Mr. Cheney that leaves me speechless!

Herr Cheney: Speechless? Ach der leiber so you vont talk? Ve vill make you talk! Ve Haf our vays.

(Cheney strikes a garbage-can lid gong, the lights dim and the Kid is rolled away by toughs wearing black hoods)


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