Democratic Underground

Meet the New Party in Power: The Republi-can'ts!
May 18, 2001
by Bradford Shaw

Meet the New Party in Power: The Republi-can'ts

Though the United States has historically had many regional schisms, for many years Washington D.C. politics was primarily divided into a basic two party system: Democrats and Republicans. The Democrats were perceived to be the party of the people, reaching out for the vote of the common man, providing an open dialogue and a safety net. While providing programs and assistance for the less fortunate, the Democrats in Washington were also labeled as the "tax and spend" party for many years, due to many over-inflated budgets issued from Capitol Hill while under Democratic control.

The Republicans, on the other hand, were perceived as the party most friendly to business and moneyed interests. While being most adept at watching out for our patriotic interests and financial stability, the Republicans often left plain, ordinary people behind in favor of moving forward to a better profit margin, thus labeling themselves as the party of the rich and near rich.

Thus exists the current political party now in power. But make no mistake about it, this is a new party that is pushing the buttons in Washington today: The Republi-can'ts. Folks, this new party isn't the Republican Party of old. It's a new, slimmed-down, fast-moving juggernaut with a new name and a new attitude.

Do you, the American people, want a government that is receptive to the average citizen and will respond with help if needed? Meet the Republi-can'ts. They have shown through workplace safety policy that they Republi-can't be bothered because it may affect the bottom line of big business.

How about strong and sure environmental protection, and a commitment to protecting the planet for future generations? Once again, I defer to the Republi-can'ts. Choosing not to exercise strong control over emission standards, arsenic levels, and irresponsible oil exploration proposals make up the game plan for the next four years if the current administration is allowed to enact several proposals now in the works.

How about dispensing some of that famed compassion in "compassionate conservative" that we heard so much about last year? Sorry, it just isn't meant to be. If you need help during a massive energy crisis in the state of California in the form of Federal regulation dealing with out-of-control energy supply prices, the Bush administration Republi-can't help you. Remember that Bush, Cheney, and many other people in the White House are Big Oil fat-cats.

If you have a loved one suffering from wasting syndrome, and the only possible help is medicinal marijuana, again, unless a business profit can be realized, they Republi-can't help you. They accepted a lot of drug company money last year, and they will stand good for the favor.

If you are a struggling single mother attempting to re-enter the job market and the only available work pays minimum wage, Shrub and his people just Republi-can't help by making the wage one that you can actually live on. That might cost big business a few dollars; an antithesis of the classic business infrastructure, and nobody in the business world wants to pay one cent more than they have to for anything.

Pasty-faced fat white men in ill-fitting suits, smoking horrible smelling cigars, along with their overly made-up face-lift queen wives are the power center for the Republi-can't party. Most are fully aware of the "'morality hold" that they have over Middle America. They are quite confident of their diverse voting block, even if it is a coalition similar to the Democrats. This confidence has formed the base of philosophy that the new Republi-can'ts are deploying every day from Washington.

The Republi-can't Manifesto, [An Addendum to the Current Republican Party Platform]

Bylaw #1: Anything conceived or initiated by the previous Democratic administration must be reviewed and then summarily discontinued. This includes all Presidential orders, legislative action, and or acts that may be construed as liberal or left leaning. This also includes any appointments made to any governmental positions including, but not limited to, Presidential interns, and the Congressional steno-pool.

Bylaw #2: Anything which may be conceived as, or appear to be, anti-business or generally anti-commerce shall henceforth and immediately cease and desist. All treaties and international agreements must also fit into this paradigm and comply with the current White House business model.

Bylaw #3: Leave no stone unturned, or tree uncut in the search for new easily exploitable natural resources and profits. State and Federal parkland, national monuments, and everything in between (excepting golf courses, naturally) are open for drilling, exploration and exploitation.

Bylaw #4: This country, and the Republi-can't party, can never be white enough, either in pigmentation, such as Dick Cheney, or attitude and deportment, such as Colin Powell. Cheney and Powell, two old white guys that personify the Republi-can't movement.

Bylaw #5: The next four to eight years shall henceforth be dedicated to profit. The richest ten percent of the nation did not profit enough during the Clinton Presidency; therefore the next two to eight years are hereby dedicated to increasing the bottom line. Period. Any and all standards and regulations, which stand in the way of business, shall be modified or abandoned in favor of portfolio expansion.

Bylaw #6: No sex, no drugs, and no rock-n-roll. Not just in the White House, but all across the nation. All elected Republi-can't officials must encourage the elimination of all fun not approved of by the Republi-can't Central Committee. Only sanctioned activities approved by John Ashcroft.

Bylaw #7: Acquire the elected office at any cost. Sacrifice any and all ethics in the quest for higher office, even if it means running a candidate that "out-Clintons Clinton." Choose a candidate that will be elected regardless of experience, intelligence, or capability.

Bylaw #8: Never let the opportunity pass to remind the nation that the "grown-ups" are in charge, even if the idea of George W. Bush running the country personally scares the bejesus out of you. We all know he's a lost child, but never let the liberals know that you know it.

Bylaw #9: Work for the repeal of abortion rights, but do it quietly. Call it protection for the unborn, elimination of late-term abortions, or medical protection, but hide the fact that it might be seen as a way to control women. Women don't like to be controlled; rather let us "protect" them.

Bylaw #10: No campaign finance reform shall be supported without a heavy dose of paycheck protection. No Democratic fundraisers will ever be able to out-money our party if we short-circuit their grass roots base. We must strive to out-spend the opposition on every campaign, whether we like our candidate or not, and the elimination of union funds will benefit us on many levels.

Republi-can't Future

The Republi-can't party is undeniably in power for the next two years, until the next Congressional election cycle. We have seen what Shrub and his followers have done in the first one hundred days of his administration, and what they have announced in plans for the future regarding ecological and social issues. The entire concept of a Republi-can't presidency seems sickening at first, but upon further reflection, and selective reading (, a pattern begins to emerge.

The current administration has been overt in its approach to business in favor of humanity. Bush, Cheney and the Republi-can't Congress have by their own actions doomed themselves to a short time in Washington. Our nation will not stand by and let the "profit-for-us" oilmen in Washington rule our lives and ruin the country.

When it comes to re-electing these selfish, stuffy, out of touch bozos in the White House, we, as a people will have to say: "Sorry, we Republi-CAN'T."

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