Democratic Underground

The Eighth Wonder of the World
May 16, 2001
by Joe Randazzo

The Eighth Wonder of the World

Never before in the recorded history of man have we seen such a marvel. Conceived by man, this idea may, in fact, be akin to the "Universal Constant" that Einstein sought so desperately to discover in the last years of his life. I speak, of course, of the Bush Tax Cut.

Mr. Bush, like Einstein, is a devotee of "good science." It is rumored, however, that Mr. Bush's tax cut is divine in nature; and in fact that the original tax cut plan is carved on two stone tablets. Based upon recommendations made by Donald Rumsfeld, the original tablets are to be stored in orbit around the earth. It is undecided at present whether they will be placed within a "killer" satellite or upon a floating weapons platform.

This decision will be made after administration experts finish their examination of the entrails of various animals. While this practice is decidedly not Christian in nature, Mr. Bush has been quoted as saying, " I know good science when I see it!"

Haruspicy, as it is officially known, is an ancient process which was formerly thought to be a pagan practice. Due to the current administration's prolific use of this method of steering our ship of state, conservative scholars and historians (and the Federalist Society, of course), have been taking another look at this practice. It is now thought that these scholars have uncovered proof that our beloved Founding Fathers also utilized this method to make decisions.

In any event, the discovery of the so-called "Haruspice Documents," (which, ironically, were found in a coal mine), is thought to lend more credence to the theory that the examination of animal entrails was a practice lauded by Madison, Hamilton, et al.

George Will, the famous conservative columnist, will soon start writing articles on the subject of haruspicy in order to acquaint the American readers with this very effective decision making process. Mr. Will, who gleefully remains trapped in the past and is an advocate of the "If we can't stand still, let's go backward" movement sweeping the country, has finally found a method ancient enough to satisfy his longing for the long ago. William F. Buckley will also be writing on the benefits of haruspicy, but no one will understand what he is saying. But, I digress.

The Bush Tax Cut is our Panacea... it is our Rosetta Stone... it's our Ark of the Covenant... it can solve anything! Need proof? Look at some of the problems facing our country today:

The economy is booming? Well, let's cut taxes!

The economy is slowing? Well, let's cut taxes!

Energy bills too high? Well, let's cut taxes!

Concerned about the waste from nuclear power plants? Well, let's cut taxes!

Prescription plan for the elderly? Well, let's cut taxes!

Social security and Medicare shortfalls? Well, let's cut taxes!

Education problems, large class sizes, shortage of teachers? Well, let's cut taxes!

It's all very simple and this principle can be applied to all aspects of one's life. The reader should, at this point, test this theory by thinking of other vital issues or concerns and responding with the scared mantra... "Well, let's cut taxes!"

See, it works!

It is now understood that many of Mr. Bush's policies which were hitherto thought of as anti-labor, anti-environment, pro-oil, pro-coal, etc., did not take into account the far-reaching benefits of the Bush Tax Cut. Cutting taxes (based upon an examination of animal entrails) actually removes arsenic from water, reduces carbon dioxide emissions, eliminates repetitive motion injuries, and will probably defeat aging. (Christie Todd Whitman will make the announcement about aging and Ari Fleischer will claim she is misinformed... I also read animal entrails.)

So, the problem is not with Mr. Bush or his administration or his policies or the people he recruits to serve the country. The problem is us. We do not fully comprehend his wisdom. His vision. His "good science." Quite frankly we need to have more faith!

I, for one, have recently increased the amount of praying that I do. For some reason, I feel I need to.

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