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Selection 2000... For Kids!
April 19, 2001
by Whyzayker

Selection 2000 For Kids

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Once upon a time, there was an election for president between two guys. One was a career politician who had a bad break by serving as vice president to a man who proved to be a decent president but a lousy husband. He also had questions to answer, but never did, concerning his fund raising practices even though they were the same as everybody else's.

The other candidate didn't like to talk about what he did before he reached the age of 40. Apparently though, he behaved like a spoiled, rich brat. Parties, DUI's, businesses bought by his parents which he screwed up...y'know, the usual.

So then election night came. The "veep" guy was pronounced winner of a state that's run by the brother of the rich kid. Then the rich kid's brother got on the phone with his cousin (who happened to be a big shot at a big TV network) and said, "Do something!"

So that TV network said the rich kid was the winner of the brother's state. Before you knew it, nobody knew what was going on.

So then they had to recount the votes. And then count them again. Then they found out that there were votes that were never counted in the first place. That's because the machines couldn't count them.

So the veep guy said, "Let's let the people count them." But the rich kid said "no, because I don't trust the people to be fair." Then the people said, "We're going to count them anyway" so the rich kid went to the court to make them stop. And they did.

Meanwhile, a lady with bad make-up and a chance to get a really good job if the rich kid won went on TV and said "the rich kid won." But the veep guy said it wasn't fair because not all the votes had been counted so he had to go to court and that court said to count the votes. Then the rich kid said, "That's not fair because if they count the votes, the veep guy will win because those people don't like me and besides the lady with the bad make-up who I'm going to give a really good job to said I already won."

Then the really important court in the rich brother's state said "Count the doggone votes!" So the rich kid went to the biggest court in all the land and they said "Stop counting!" Meanwhile, other courts were saying that it was okay for the rich kid's friends to do bad things to ballot applications even though the veep guys friends weren't allowed to do the same things. Things were getting really messy.

The rich kid's friends were calling the veep guy bad names and all the people who didn't like the bad husband president believed them because they weren't very smart to begin with. Then the big court from the rich kid's brother's state said, "Time to count the votes." So the rich kid went back to the biggest court in the land to complain. And a judge from that court, who had two sons who were really good friends and in business with the rich kids lawyers said "Stop counting because then the rich kid won't win anymore!"

So the people had to stop counting again! Would they ever find out who really won the rich kid's brother's state? Meanwhile, the lawmakers from the rich kid's brother's state said, "We don't care what's fair or if votes are counted! We're going to give it to the rich kid!" Even though that most of the people in the land wanted the veep guy, these lawmakers said, "so what?"

Then a mean lady from a northern state said that she thought all the uncounted votes should be locked up so it didn't make the rich kid look bad when everybody found out that he didn't really win his brother's state. Other bad people thought she had a good idea. The biggest court in the land wanted, unbelievably, to know why it was so important for every vote to be counted! See, a lot of the judges were given their jobs by the rich kid's father's boss who was none too bright to begin with! He was a silly old man used to say trees caused pollution and homeless people were homeless because they wanted to be!

He was really stupid. But the same people who voted for the rich kid thought the silly old man was really great! Anyway, the biggest court decided that it was more important for the rich kid to be elected than for all the people to be heard from. They said there just wasn't enough time to do things fairly.

So the veep guy had to give up while the rich kid told the people that everybody had to like him now because he was the boss and if they didn't like him they would be to blame for everything he did wrong. And the moral is.....

.........Majority Loses (only in America)

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