Democratic Underground

George Jr.'s First Letter From Camp
intercepted by Linda Stout Deak

UPDATE! Comedy conservatives have been spotted in a state of confusion over the "authenticity" of this letter. Follow the link for a good laugh:

Geroge Jr.'s First Letter From Camp

Dear Mother and Father,

I have been thinking about you so much during these last weeks. What an experience this is running this great country! I am having a wonderful time. Did you see me on television the other night? Everyone here was so proud. I didn't flub, hardly at all. You know, with all that hullabaloo that we had to go through to get me in, a lot of good is going to come out of it.

Some of the new staff have been reading some books and going through old records and things and no one has found anything in history analogous. So we can start from a fresh slate. We did a huge favor for America by getting rid of democracy. It is a hard truth, but it is a sloppy, silly system. The people do not always know best. We know that, don't we, Dad?

So, Dick and I and Antonin are tossing about ideas as to what kind of system is best. Of course, Antonin (what a great thing that was to break down the separation. Antonin is very helpful and smart as a whip) wants a theocracy. He thinks we can easily eliminate any pesky problem with inclusion. He says there are ways and you would know what he was talking about. A theocracy sounds right to me. Those Ten Commandments hammered into the American psyche everyday will just be the trick, don't you think?

But, Dick is all for the plutocracy, as is most of the cabinet. Dick was even joking about an oil-igarchy, but we wouldn't do that. It's just not fair to other corporations and we want to be fair. That is what America is all about.

We keep trying to show America how dumb they were to have Clinton as president. Amoral, my goodness. But we all know all about that. Pardoning people, taking gifts, making us spend all that money to prove he had an affair. He was really rotten, but we are going to be classy and not say that any more in public, now that a Bush is back here running things. It is great to have good breeding in the White House again.

In some of these books some folks around here have been reading, someone found the fact that the royals of Europe used to all speak French, even the Russian ones. Well, we though about that. A new lingua franca, just for us. I know it would be too hard for me to learn French when I am so busy running things here. We had a good laugh with Ari about using Hebonics so he wouldn't feel so lonely as the only Jew on staff. He thinks we should stay with the good old malaprose, which has worked so well for us. So we settled on that.

I just feel so lucky that the American people put me here. What a great thing that was. Those of us who know this country best knew we had to do anything to get in and that was the right thing to do. I am going to keep trying to do the right thing, dad and mom, just like you always taught me.

Our big decision today after lots of discussion with Antonin and Clarence is that we are going to organize our own government media. The job is too big for one man. Ari can handle some of the people, but there are these new fringe folks who want to write things differently than how we want them to. It was going to be a huge problem and we have decided to nip it right in the bud. We have asked Rush Limbaugh and Richard Mellon Scaife to head up our News branch of government. Yup, isn't that brilliant? We want it to be as high as the Supreme Court and with even more authority. Richard is a dear old man, highly misunderstood by many, but we know him to be honorable. And Rush is such a likable old gas bag that we thought he was just perfect for this new role.

There are loads of journalists wanting to climb on board, but we have to be careful whom we pick. This is very important for our future. We can't have any snitches. We are already drafting up legislation for the new legal committee to pass. And there will be a death penalty to all snitches.

Congress is all show now. Kind of like an old time House of Lords. They like it. We gave them a trillion and that was plenty to quiet them up real good. I love having all this money that you and Ronnie worked hard for us to have as a result of your policies. I also gave the Freepers a raise. They get fifteen dollars an hour now to jump on all the fringe folks they can find and shout, "Get Over It." With the slowed down economy and the cost of cars going down, they can buy new SUVs in a year or two if they are prudent with their raises. We need to stop all this talk about government all the time. Enough already. There is way too much talk about government here in Washington.

Life is great, Mother and Father. When can you come for a visit? Karen says hi. She checked over the letter for spelling and grammar mistakes and thinks it sounds fine, just right.

Love, Georgie

PS I almost forgot. Laura says hi, too.

PPS Also keep the news of the News Branch under wraps until we figure out the best way to announce this to the American people. We don't want to ruffle too many feathers.

PPPS Can you send me more of the addresses from your old Rolodex? I am looking for some of those people who went to jail who used to work for the EPA under those good old presidencies of yours and Ronnie's. You know Anne Burford and Rita Lavelle? Chris Whitman needs them.


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