Democratic Underground

Billy Tauzin Calls A Witness
by Art Bushwald

From the beginning, Republican Congressman Billy Tauzin has made it clear that his hearing have a political angle. He believes early projections in the East contributed to some Republican Congressional losses in the West. "I take that very personally," he said.

Mr. Tauzin may well have been correct, if this heart-wrenching testimony by Bobby Wayne Bobbins of Pistolwhip, Texas, is any indication:

"Well, sir, on election day I was sittin in the livin' room a-polishin' my huntin' rifle, cuz I wanted ta have it all nice an' shiny-lookin' in the back of my truck when I went down ta vote. Then my woman Ethyl comes in an' turns on the tube.

"Well, sir, we saw some dadburned right-wing liberal freak a-sayin that Florida had done voted fer that Gore fella, an' I thought, "Shoot fire! If Dubya cain't win the whole dadgummed Confederacy, then he ain't got a snowball's chance ta win! So what the heck's the point of going out an' votin, if the whole dadburned election's done been decided?

"An' even though Rush said ta vote fer ALL the guys with a "R" by their name, heck fire, there weren't no other elections that interrested me none. All I wanted ta do was cast my vote fer Dubya, an' here this liberal pot-smokin' tree-hugger on the tube was a-sayin' that Florida's done been won by Gore.

"So I decided, ta heck with it, Texiz is gonna vote fer Dubya anyways, so I'm just gonna stay home and shoot me some varmints. But I woudda voted if that heathen Commie on the tube hadn't said that Gore had won Florida. It's all his fault, dadblame it!"


View All Articles