Democratic Underground

A Ten-Step Program For Broken-Hearted Conservatives
by Bradford Shaw

A Ten-Step Program For Broken-Hearted Conservatives

After eight years of fruitless investigation, the Republicans find themselves at odd ends. What will they investigate now? What will Dan "Here's your subpoena" Burton do with his committee? How will Bob Barr be able to cope with the lack of attention, not to mention losing his position as spokesman for the 'we hate Clinton' crowd in Washington? With Bill Clinton out of the Whitehouse, and back into the private sector, I hereby offer the following ten-step program for those conservatives who still seem obsessed with our former president.

Count your money. This always seems to calm most conservatives. It reassures them that they still have that wonderful insulation that real money can buy; that wonderful insulation that protects them from having to mix with the common folk. It also relieves them from any strain from health care, educational, and security issues, in that they have their own money for the independent funding for all of those things. They can count mutual funds, stocks, bank certificates, and even gold coins if they want to.

Go to your private club. Getting away from it all is incredibly important to most people in today's busy working environment, and conservatives are no exception. The nicest thing that a conservative Republican can do for himself (that's right, it is usually a him), is to go to his private exclusive members only club. There he can read his Wall Street Journal, smoke an offensive cigar, tell politically incorrect or racist jokes without fear of repercussion, and maybe get the latest stock tip from his fellow conservatives. Firmly ensconced in his comfortable world, he need not fear the intrusion of uppity minorities or women. He is an island of serenity- if the stock market is favorable.

Fire your gardener. For most conservatives, every day is a struggle with someone trying to tell you what to do 'just because some people are in the minority'. Minorities are annoying and bothersome to conservatives, and not because of the color of their skin. The most annoying thing to conservatives is the maddening tendency for minorities to celebrate their culture. As we all know, the Republican Party is the party of the status quo, and they don't appreciate other cultures trying to influence majority behavior. After all, such celebrations of other cultures might cause us to change our own attitudes toward tolerance and acceptance of (shudder) people of color. Then, God forbid, they may gain access to the same wealth that is so familiar to the conservative crowd. So fire your gardener and make a personal contribution to minority unemployment.

Have faith and know there is a higher power, the Republican National Committee. Yes even if your local political scene doesn't reflect your personal likes and dislikes, you can rest assured that there is a higher authority in place with the will to do anything necessary to further the conservative cause. Due to an aggressive long term funding program, you can sleep easier knowing that the conservative message will be out there with the help of the National Committee. Worried about those pesky unions with those swarthy laborers and their funding of causes for the betterment of the common man? Don't sweat it, my man. The owners of those businesses will be glad to kick in at least twice the amount that it takes to overwhelm the workers, thanks to a little nudge from the Committee. Concerned about too much environmental legislation? Well the Republicans will have an ad campaign ready to convince rural America that they know best! The National Committee is there for you; send in your $100,000 contribution today!

Have a quick game of golf. There can be nothing more conservative in the world of sports than golf. No other sport supplies assistants and vehicles to cut down on the effort needed to play. No other sport uses up the resources of the planet like golf. The land, the water, the equipment and fuel needed to support a professional golf course is staggering to anyone in the resource conservation field, and doesn't that fact alone make most conservatives feel special and important? The warm sun on your face, a slave to carry your sporting goods, the company of your fellow fat cats, man-made landscape as far as the eye can see, white or at least rich fellow golfers for support and encouragement, and you are talking about conservative heaven.

Never say "Clinton" again. When you have to refer to the current Clinton in office, try to envision the word Hillary over and over again. To a conservative, the word Clinton must seem like vitriol. His name alone causes bile to rise into the throats of republicans throughout the country. I know that when conservatives hear the word Clinton, they feel that they have to launch an investigation, or launch that bile that I just mentioned. In the interest of good conservative health, I would suggest vowing to never say the 'C' word again.

Remember that even if he closely resembles Clinton, your guy is actually in the Whitehouse. I wouldn't say that he won the election, but he's there at 1600 Pennsylvania, and he ain't just visiting poppa this time. You didn't get your election night victory speech, and the honeymoon may have never happened for Bush the Second, but the fact remains that your party is in charge for a while. You can be happy that the best and brightest of the Republicans is now sleeping in the Presidential jammies.

Buy something extravagant. Take a day's pay and buy a new car or house. It isn't hard to feel superior if you have an imagination and a great credit line. If the market is poor, simply lease a new Mercedes or BMW. Leasing is sometimes favorable to buying if you plan to change cars monthly due to fashion or fad. There's nothing like the wind in your hair as you cruise over the tenements of old town USA on the new elevated freeway that has been constructed, shutting out businesses in local neighborhoods with lack of off-ramp access. Then there is the bonus of knowing how far up the social ladder you are from the Mexican guy who details your new car at the car wash. It's a win-win!

I hate to keep returning to this, but count your money again. No, not like last time. This time count your assets, which can be equated to counting your money. It is highly distracting in terms of the Clinton obsession, to keep a running tally of your many and varied assets. How many vacation homes does it take to forget Bill and Monica? How many pieces of collectible art does it take to distract you from the Rich pardon? How many racehorses does it take to erase the memory of Paula Jones' face (new or old)? Sorry, I know that it's unfair to mention horses with Paula Jones' old face. Take a long helicopter ride over your estate and count the classic fully restored cars in your air-conditioned garages. You will feel better, trust me!

Go to your local amusement park and hire it for the day. That way you insure to keep the riff-raff out, realizing the potential for healing without public embarrassment. You could spend the day riding the roller coaster, trying to imagine what the former President felt like as you probed and probed until it hurt. Or you could go to the batting cages and visualize that you are smacking President Clinton in his privates with each new pitch. Or even better yet, you hit the ball and visualize that it's a Democrat fleeing Washington at high speed. Either way, it could be a start to an end for your obsession. Clinics will be opening at country clubs and Republican fundraisers throughout the country. Please share these self-help guidelines with any heart broken and disillusioned conservatives that you may encounter as it could help the uncontrolled muttering and swearing under the breath that some have suffered through for the last eight years.


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