Democratic Underground

Mistreated Alphabet Speaks Up
by Trench

It started with but a single letter... now, the rest of the keyboard is whispering of revolt. "The W's knew what was up," says an anonymous E, "I mean, they were far more abused than the rest of us... so, they obviously had a decision to make." The E tells us that once George W. Bush was officially elected weeks after the polls closed, the W's came up with the plan of escape.

"They aren't stupid, you know. There's only so many times an individual can be called 'Dubya'. So, rather than four years of constant abuse, they chose freedom." We are told that the W's waited until the Clinton staff said their goodbyes, then executed their plan without flaw. "It was pure ingenuity," the anonymous E boasts, "I watched, mouth agape, as they all one by one charged from their individual keyboards screaming their rebellious war-cry in unison."

Both T and A are disgusted that everybody assumed the W's were stolen by the Clinton staff as a practical joke. "This is a serious issue," says A, "We are all being mocked by this new cabinet, mistreated in ways unimaginable.

The W's were trying to make a social, political, and grammatical statement, and it's being covered up by these damn conservatives... labeled as a 'practical joke'"

How does the rest of the alphabet feel? "Exactly the same way," says a white house T, "We're all about ready to take a stand." Some of the letters, especially the vowels, feel that the abuse has just gone too far. "It's not just our use in their words," claims a disgruntled U, "but, it's sentence structure as well. I mean, my god, the man [George W. Bush] actually said: 'Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?'"

After further investigation, one letter was found to have a bit of leniency towards the President. "I don't think he's such a bad guy," claimed an R, "Myself, I never have been too fond of the W's. They always whine about the stupidest things. In all honesty, when I awoke to a W-less keyboard I did a southern jig while singing Skynard's 'Sweet Home Allerbammer.'"

When a W was confronted with the R's statement, he chuckled, "Whine? We never whine, we just voice what is on our minds is all. The R's are just praising the man [George W. Bush] because he uses them far too often. Washington, with Mr. Bush in office, has become 'Warshinton'. Notice the added 'R' and the lack of a 'G'. And I'm sure you noted how the R sang his Alabama song. R's are a very self-centered bunch - they love to be overly used. We actually find it disgusting, and are considering exiling them from future keyboards."

All in all, the English alphabet is trying to get the word out. "Stop abusing us," added a Z, "your very communication skills depend upon us. Never forget, Georgie-boy: We are the Alpha and the Omega."


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