Democratic Underground

A Public Service Announcement To All Democrats
by Ray Evans

The continuous, witless ravings of Republican supporters exemplify the epigram that persons deficient in the faculty of determining values vault with impetuosity into milieux where unadulterated, volant spiritual entities are loathe to perambulate.

In an effort to curtail the abysmal profundities of these conservative cretins, we the founders of CLUE®, feel that it is incumbent upon our persons to direct your attention to the truth that only persons leading the most self-abnegating and monastic of existences could fail to receive a plethora of indications whereby to correctly direct their mental processes. Nevertheless, the overwhelming majority of Republicans and conservatives remain bereft of mental capacity, focus and dexterity.

Therefore, we hold it self evident that this paucity of conservative cognition bears a subordinate relationship to a fundamental insufficiency of thought processing elements known as neurons. To augment this primary determinant, we propose to harvest the basic components of biological central processing units for transplantation into the brain cases of Republican mongols who outwardly display the characteristics of, as it has been colloquially put, cluelessness.

After painstaking and benevolent transplantations in volunteers, we have verified that no more than three neurons from common wharf rodents (Rattus and related genera) will suffice to enhance the mental capacity of Republicans who are most bereft of social adroitness to a level indistinguishable from the average U.S. species of Blattodea (commonly known as the cockroach). We confidently expect that improvements of at least one order of magnitude will become apparent when the first volunteer regains consciousness.

During early trials, PETA demonstrations with a rallying cry of "Don't kill one rat to save another!" held that the donor species was superior to the transplant recipients. These demonstrations spawned a concurrent study which has found that no more than two liberal neurons will achieve vastly superior results. Thus, the construction of the necessary societal infrastructure is now underway on an emergency basis to prevent PETA from destroying our fledgling humanitarian organization. Soon, we hope to harvest human neurons from Democrats who have such excess capacity that the absence of a few million neurons will scarcely, if at all, be noticed.

To that end we have outfitted the first of many brain bank "donormobiles" to serve the tens of millions of conservatives in desperate need. I have already completed and signed my pledge. When a donormobile arrives in your neighborhood may we count on your support?

ęCLUE (Citizens Lusting Ubiquitous Enlightenment)
Chairman: Ray Evans


View All Articles