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Response to SoapBox (Reply #8)

Sun Jan 25, 2015, 03:36 AM

9. i'm sure she hears you every time you tell her you love her, and when you talk to her

i say it out loud to my mom every day, along with a host of conversational bits and pieces, and sometimes entire conversations; i tell her i miss her every day. (and i'm very woo woo about this whole process--i look/watch for signs from her all the time. i've been getting her powder/perfume scent every night for the past week when i'm watching tv--i don't know why, but i'm guessing she's just letting me know she's here and near me, but i'm not sure why. maybe just to comfort?)

those early days/weeks/months can be tremendously foggy.

the entire experience has sucked for me. for the past five years.

i remember trying so hard to be strong & "practical" and "realistic" at first (thinking: she's gone. that's that. even though the first night my adult daughter thought she saw my mom in her peripheral vision while we were hugging in the kitchen and when she told me i snapped & said: don't tell me that! i don't want to hear it! because i thought it was too much like a fairytale & the reality was too devastating for me to believe something that implied she wasn't completely gone. then the next night my daughter saw an orb in the living room.)

it might have been a couple weeks later when i was leaning down to plug in some christmas lights, that all this emotion just began to pour out of me. i thought how can you love someone your entire life & then just stop? or if you don't stop where do you direct that love? where was i supposed to put it now? it was love i had for her and she wasn't here anymore for me to love. and then i realized i could keep feeling that love and direct it to her, wherever she was. maybe she'd feel it/know it. so i stopped trying to bottle up the emotion. and after that, i began getting "signs" from her (which i've posted about in this group probably ad nauseam).

i had to keep working for six weeks after she passed before i could take some time off. i had to be mentally present, had to function, had to not cry too much so my eyes wouldn't swell up. maybe that is part of the reason i'm still such a mess--because i had to wait too long to fall apart. i don't know.

anyway, i'm wishing you all the best in this most difficult time.

in spite of all the heartache, all the sorrow, the millions of tears, i think it is simply amazing how much we are capable of loving someone. and the degree to which someone can be loved. when love is that strong, that intense, it doesn't die--i think it stretches out through the dimensions of time and space and connects the one we love to us. they may pass from our view but i don't think they go far. especially if we were so important to them.

(i apologize if my woo view goes against your way of thinking. if it does, then just take it with a grain of salt--as the expression goes. i'm sharing it only with the best of intentions. regardless of how many steps we take, or how fast or slow we proceed, you are not alone on this path.)

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orleans Jan 2015 OP
CaliforniaPeggy Jan 2015 #1
JDPriestly Jan 2015 #2
Paper Roses Jan 2015 #3
orleans Jan 2015 #5
KMOD Jan 2015 #4
SoapBox Jan 2015 #6
orleans Jan 2015 #7
SoapBox Jan 2015 #8
LineLineLineLineNew Reply i'm sure she hears you every time you tell her you love her, and when you talk to her
orleans Jan 2015 #9
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