mantra stuck in my head.
As a result, I find it extremely painful to be the recipient rather than the giver, and I'm starting to realize how that has stifled me.
Yesterday, $2 in the checking account, around $3 in my purse, animals out of food. A dear friend offered to help me out. I hated to say yes, but it wasn't about me.
On the way there, stopped to ask the wonderful couple who provide my hay if I could pay later in the afternoon for a bale ( these are big round bales that last 2 weeks for $25 ) This couple has been so good to me - just salt-of-the-earth mountain people - part of the reason I would hate to leave TN even if I hate the politics. You can't find the spirit that is on this mountain most places these days, it seems.
Anyhoo, I'm talking to the husband, and the wife comes out on the porch and says "Give her that hay for a Christmas present!" She knows I'm having a tough time. I said "Stop it" and he said, "I'm going to just take a bale over - don't worry about it" and he did ( my horses love him so much! He said they hear his truck coming down the road and he can hear them winnying loud before he even is in view. ) My nature was to stop on the way back and pay anyway, but then something said "Do you not see what an insult that is? They want to do something kind for you and you want to take that away from them."
Wow. I had to think about that.
Then my friend took me to a small mall and helped me buy baby clothes for my adopted grandbaby who is growing out of everything. And then he gave me some cash to get food for the animals. Again, I hated to take it, but in the end, we ask for solutions from the universe and then when a solution comes, we say "Oh shit, that's not what I ased for."
Funny, this giving and receiving stuff. I want to be self-sufficient and never, ever, ever need ANYBODY. And that's my own "sin" if you will. Learning to accept help is teaching me to suppress that ugly little ego.
WE need each other, after all! Damnit! lol 
Edit history
= new reply since forum marked as read
