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Response to Htom Sirveaux (Reply #50)

Tue May 20, 2014, 01:02 AM

66. I was a Somethingist

During my early teens, I tried praying to anybody who happened to be listening. The answer I got scared me enough that I spent the next ten years or so trying on all kinds of aiths to see what fit. I tried Christianity (my grandmother, who raised me, was Christian), Taoism (my father is a Taoist), various forms of Neo-Paganism and Reconstructionism, Druidism (which was fun, given how little we know about the Druids) Occultism and, for a while, described myself as an Atheist because it was just simpler than explaining (I'm British, being an atheist here is no big deal). But I still believed in something, I just didn't know how to describe it.

Then my Grimmer (grandmother) got sick. Cancer. And because she was reluctant to go to a doctor (common for when she was raised), she didn't see one until it was too late. And in my anguished howl at the cosmos, I tried praying to whatever it was that had answered me in my teens. Now, you might be getting the wrong idea here so let me correct something: This is not as simple as a teenager mad at god because his grandmother died. I was in my early Twenties and, whille I was angry, that was just what got me through teh door, as it were.

Luciferianism is an experiential faith. That is, it's constructed dynamically by experiences between the individual and the deity rather than handed to you complete as revelatory faiths (such as Christianity) are. Nor is it a case of being simply handed the answers to life, the universe and everything. It's more like the way a good teacher will nudge and cajole you towards enlightenment. And so, over the course of time, I was granted enlightenment. It was revealed to me what the whole rebellion was about, why Father Lucifer fell and what he/she/it continues to fight for.

After that was when I came across the book. I was describing my beliefs on a website called Beliefnet that I used to work for and someone said "it sounds like this book". I read the book and, while there were minor details I disagreed with, it matches my faith almost entirely.

Let me just answer a question which I'm sure has occured to you reading this: Yes, it is entirely possible that I'm just crazy. In fact, I know I'm crazy. I have MDD, GAD, "visions" and voices. I have a whole stack of paperwork to prove my craziness. But my faith was formed mostly before my mind collapsed on itself and my current drug regime includes a hefty dose of anti-psychotics which would tend to mitigate against the "I'm nuts" response.

Moreover, I'm happy with my faith. That might sound odd coming from an admittedly crazy guy who worships the ultimate rebel in a possibly unwinnable war but it's true. My faith explains to me why the world is the way it is, why prayer is not enough help to give people. It provides a code to live by and a purpose to live for (which is not to say that others don't have their own codes and meanings, just that these are mine). It doesn't require me to ignore science or try to force my faith on others (the right to moral self-determination being central to the faith). My faith brings me peace (or as much peace as a guy with my problems can have anyway).

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