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Response to Johnny2X2X (Original post)

Tue May 25, 2021, 10:57 AM

7. Unless she has asked you to use gender neutral pronouns, use she/her

(Better yet, ask what he pronouns are, and then use them). I noticed you used they/them and male. Most trans feminine friends of mine use she/her. Try to use her new name (using her dead name is even rude than mis-gendering her). One trans friend of mine said they tolerate clearly accidental use of the wrong name/gender for the period of time you knew her under a different name/gender.

Don't assume there will be any surgery. It's expensive, and generally not covered by insurance. Not all trans individuals want to have surgery. If there is surgery, don't assume how extensive it will be. And unless you are in the habit of discussing anatomy with your female friends, don't go there unless invited.

You've actually known her as a woman for three years. You were just mistaken as to her gender. Especially older trans woman have usually known most of their lives, but never felt free to be something other than how the world perceived them. My high school sweetheart transitioned at roughly that age - and had known since she was 5-7, and had largely given up on being able to live as herself. It is somewhat akin to learning that the light-skinned friend you assumed was white is actually black. That friend is exactly who she was before she revealed her true gender to you.

And on that note, you may well have said things in the past that you would have chosen not to say in the presence of someone you knew was trans. I believe I remember sparring with you about trans women in sports, for example. (I am pretty sure we've sparred recently - and I noticed a strong overlap between the groups i was sparring with over both trans women in sports/puberty blockers and mask wearing. My search only times out this morning, so apologies if you weren't among the former group). Anything you said is mostly water under the bridge, but there may be a measure of things said that can't be unsaid, that may come out when things get tense if she gets comfortable enough around you to let down her hair.

Try not to be defensive. Listen. Listen at least twice as much as you speak.

Offer your support, and continue to see her in the same ways you always have. She may be sensitive to changes - including those based simply on assumptions that her tastes changed with gender disclosure, because LGBTQI individuals can never assume our friends will remain friends once we reveal ourselves.

Educate yourself, rather than expecting her to educate you. Asking here is a good first step. I'll send you a link to my high school sweetheart's mid-50's transition blogs by DU mail, once I get back to my computer. (She is relatively well known in some circles, and would easily lead back to me in a way I'm not comfortable with in an open forum.)

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Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 16 replies Author Time Post
Johnny2X2X May 2021 OP
Duncanpup May 2021 #1
Johnny2X2X May 2021 #2
vercetti2021 May 2021 #3
samnsara May 2021 #4
woodsprite May 2021 #5
momta May 2021 #6
mopinko May 2021 #9
momta May 2021 #10
LineNew Reply Unless she has asked you to use gender neutral pronouns, use she/her
Ms. Toad May 2021 #7
Johnny2X2X May 2021 #12
Ms. Toad May 2021 #14
mopinko May 2021 #8
Johnny2X2X May 2021 #11
FreepFryer May 2021 #13
ga_girl May 2021 #15
uriel1972 May 2021 #16
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