Why do we need to be "special"?

That's what I mean about self loathing - you are a cell in an organism you think doesn't deserve to exist. You can no more divorce the application of that value judgement from your individual identity than you can physically step outside your own skin.

That outlook is unlikely to signify any special insight into the human condition; and, given the range of cultural paradigms that successfully fail to conform to your misanthropic misgivings, it is IMO far more likely you'd see substantial attitude adjustment were you to pursue some serious re-creation.