What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year? [View all]

Barry Petchesky
Today 9:35am

Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

DEFLATED BALLOON
BEETLE
“PLACED TOILET PAPER IN EAR SO WOULDNT HAVE TO HEAR NEIGHBORS”
CHESS PIECE
PLASTIC DRINKING STRAW
PAPER NAPKINS
HAIRPIN
HAIR BAND
GASOLINE
“CRAYON STUCK IN EAR FOR 2 WEEKS”
END OF SHOELACE
FAKE DIAMOND
PAPER & AN ERASER
BALL FROM EYEBROW RING
DOG’S PAW

Nose

PEBBLE FROM THE FISH TANK
“STUCK A RAISIN UP HIS RIGHT NOSTRIL, BROTHER TRIED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS BUT PATIENT MOVED”
STOVE PELLET
“WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
PLASTIC SNAKE
MAGNETS UP EACH NOSTRIL
PLASTIC HEARTS IN EACH NOSTRIL
BABY WIPE
MINI HOCKEY STICKS
EGG DYE TABLET

Throat

RULER
BRANCH
STALE CAKE
“ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A PILL BOTTLE WHEN TAKING HIS MEDICATION”
ASTHMA INHALER
“WAS OPENING A BOTTLE OF SODA W/ HIS TEETH & BOTTLE CAP FLEW DOWN HIS THROAT”
HOOP EARRING
PLASTIC HONEY FILLED STRAW
“PLAYING WITH A BLOW DART GUN, BLEW THE PIN OUT, IT HIT THE WALLFLEW BACK INTO PATIENTS THROAT AND HE SWALLOWED IT”
CANADIAN QUARTER
“INHALED A WASP WHILE JOGGING NOW THROAT SWELLING”
PAINT-STIRRING STICK & PAINT
“HELD DOWN IN ART CLASS, CLASSMATE SHOVED SEQUINS DOWN THROAT”
DOG SHAMPOO
GLOW STICKS
“EATING CLUB SANDWICH AND PART OF TOOTHPICK BROKE OFF, HE SWALLOWED IT, SCRATCH IN THROAT, ABLE TO FINISH SANDWICH”

http://adequateman.deadspin.com/what-did-we-get-stuck-in-our-rectums-last-year-1790335507

The good stuff is at the link.