i know what you mean about wondering what else you could have done. i played that tormenting song over and over for a long long time. every once in awhile i still play it but mostly i have managed to forgive myself for not being able to foresee or predict the future.
my heart aches for her with a pain i have never known. i love her beyond words and miss her just as much. it's astounding to realize the intensity of the bonds we are capable of creating with others. my mom always said i was "overly emotional" and i had a dismissive tendency to chalk it up to having a "poet's soul." but these past years? i never knew these waters ran so deep.
sometimes i feel she is watching me, shaking her head sadly, sympathizing with my plight, and yet amazed to realize how much she is loved.
thank you for your warmth and hugs. you're not alone either. 
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