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Response to steve2470 (Reply #47)

Sat Sep 14, 2013, 05:28 AM

57. You aren't being too blunt!...

1) I agree this would do me good but I really think that it's something of an either or thing right now. Either I stay here and try to get through the semester OR I to the psychotherapy. I say that because most CBT forms of therapy are almost a full time job in of themselves over the course of a couple of months. I couldn't properly devote myself to it if I'm here at school. I still go back and forth every day if I should stay here or not.

2)Right now I'm only seeing my psychiatrist once every second week. And in fact he left a message on my phone that he has to cancel next weeks appointment and reschedule. I believe he's only here 2 days a week on campus, probably has his own practice somewhere. I should be seeing him much more often but I don't believe he has the time. Every psychiatrist always seems to be booked full 200% it seems.

3)I still have a few days to decide if I can drop another course. I might. I've dropped the ones that I can make up easily later already, the rest will be difficult due to scheduling and not having part time equivalents.

4)Yes the negative self talk is a long standing thing, life long. I MUST stop it but this is why I will need the therapy to stop. Stopping of my own volition is very difficult. I've found some tools that help here and there but they seem like peace meal solutions, small temporary relief.

5)This is true. The problem is it's going to take years to fully address. That I am very aware of. Sadly the anxiety is very much immediate and it wrecks havoc with my life in the present. I suppose if I get it under control in the long run it would be worth it even if it did mean yet another failed attempt this year.

6)This is true but I'm 31 now and it starts to ring less true as I age. When I was in my 20s I had plenty of time to mess up. I feel like I'm getting farther and farther behind as the years go by. Your hire-ability also diminishes as you age. If you graduate with a degree at 40 and enter a job market with little actual experience, it's difficult when competing with 30 year olds who already have 10 years of actual experience as well as that degree. But I agree with the general principle.

7)I fluctuate back and forth many times a day as to whether I should drop this and try again later. There are times of the day when I'm an absolute fucking mess and can't do a thing. Other times I'm almost optimistic. In class I can still usually pay enough attention that I'm asking questions, taking notes and things are fine. I can chat and even joke / laugh with my other class mates as well and things seem relatively normal. But there is a huge amount of anxiety induced background noise all the time that no one else is aware of. This noise builds to a head sometimes and I have these little breakdowns / attacks (not quite your classic panic attack but something similar). It's impossible for me to judge if I can't actually get through this or not. If it's too much for me to be doing right now. Or if things will get better if I just stick with it and push through the bad times.

8)I'm trying to do this more and more. As recommended above I'm trying to build a mantra of sorts. One thing that has helped is I continually tell myself "it's OK to screw up, failure is part of the learning process, it's OK to screw up". I find this helps when the anxiety is on the low side. It doesn't do all that much at other times though.

I'm going to have to do some research into what therapists are in my area and who are highly rated. Like in everything else quality varies all over the map. Sadly despite universal health care only psychiatrists are covered here in Canada, therapy / psychologists are not. But like you said there probably is something affordable.

Thanks for the support it means a HUGE amount to me, even if I'm not getting much better right now!

Don't worry about being blunt, you were nothing of the sort!

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LineLineReply You aren't being too blunt!...
Locut0s Sep 2013 #57
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