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Response to MiddleFingerMom (Reply #9)

Thu Sep 12, 2013, 09:55 PM

29. Thank you MFM...

You may have a point with that. I've worked physically hard in my life before. When I worked at 7-11 and NCIX I was one of the more hard working individuals there. But I suppose I've never had much of the experience of being exposed to something that I really had to work hard at mentally. I usually pick most stuff up by osmosis with a little added practise to polish up my understanding. Those who have had to work hard at school most of the time really have a leg up on me in this respect. It IS possible that like you say a lot of my anxiety might stem from not having had to use those particular sets of 'muscles' before.

However I still think that my major problem is my perfectionism. I can't get a C+ or B without thinking to myself I don't understand this at all. I know people get by with Cs and graduate, I wish I was of that type of mentality, but I'd just panic and lose it going that route. Stupid thing is this leads to all kinds of unsustainable behaviour. I can't just write something down and be content with understanding 50% of it right now and saying to myself "I'll get the rest as I go along". I panic like mad in that situation. Instead I have to look up every key word and concept I don't get. That leads to other topics and key terms I don't get and of course that never ends. Imagine being a car mechanic just starting out and being taught how to replace an oil filter. Instead of being content with that you tell yourself "but yeah I don't understand the oil filter in the greater context of how the engine works". So you panic. Now you have to go off and look up how the rest of the engine works so you get where the oil filter fits into the bigger picture. This leads to understanding the physics of the engine and more and more. In the end you never even get past learning how to install the filter, quit the program and leave. Meanwhile others are content with just learning that and leaving the rest a mystery till some later date. They are the ones who end up becoming mechanics, despite the fact that you (with this issue) may have more potential. It's a maddening issue that I can't come to terms with. My brain just shuts off when I'm encountered with new stuff. I can't compartmentalize the world and say. NO Just tackle this one small thing and fuck the rest of it till later.

Then there is the issue of always wanting to please everyone and being worried of the repercussions. This semester we have an industry project where we work on code for a real company out in the wild. We contact said company set up a real meeting and the code we write actually get's used later in their products. If I were a different person I'd feel this was an exciting opportunity. Instead I worry about the added responsibility I now have, now it's not just school, if I fuck this up I'm actually angering a real business person. And again my brain goes into panic mode.

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Locut0s Sep 2013 OP
NYC_SKP Sep 2013 #1
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LineLineReply Thank you MFM...
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