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MatthewHatesTrump2

(915 posts)
115. Oly says to his friend : "Oh, I think my wife has died."
Tue Oct 8, 2019, 03:19 PM
Oct 2019

His friend replies:
"What do you mean, you THINK she died?"

Oly replies:
"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up!"

"Snowballs." 50 Shades Of Blue Sep 2019 #1
What's the difference betwwen a snowman and a snowwoman? blockhead Sep 2019 #44
.... 50 Shades Of Blue Sep 2019 #46
Sorry, we're NFS. TheCowsCameHome Sep 2019 #2
"I didn't know you could yodel." Harker Sep 2019 #3
I think that's from a Knock-Knock joke red dog 1 Sep 2019 #8
Yer little old lady... Harker Sep 2019 #11
"Little old lady" is what i heard growing up. applegrove Sep 2019 #29
I think you're right....I think it was "little old lady" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #70
Shut up, you! I'm a talking to your father! nt tblue37 Sep 2019 #4
"Even the great Caruso had to clear his throat from time to time." OilemFirchen Sep 2019 #5
"And you're gonna need it." Croney Sep 2019 #6
This message was self-deleted by its author NightWatcher Sep 2019 #7
''That's all you do? Bird imitations?'' Brother Buzz Sep 2019 #9
Hawkeye! 😍 nolabear Sep 2019 #24
Yes! Brother Buzz Sep 2019 #26
and he tapped his temple, and said- see, kidneys. mopinko Sep 2019 #10
I know that one but it mocks fun of the disabled. El Supremo Nov 2019 #206
honestly, i would have to reconstruct it to tell it. it was just an inside joke in the family mopinko Nov 2019 #208
"The aristocrats!" unblock Sep 2019 #12
I feel so dirty. 😂😂😂 nolabear Sep 2019 #25
Beat me to it! pnwest Sep 2019 #103
You need Drew Carey's finger snaps! (n/t) PJMcK Nov 2019 #152
Or Gilbert Gottfried's Comedy Central's Roast of Hugh Hefner MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #172
"No! I'm a frayed knot!" unblock Sep 2019 #13
Hey! OilemFirchen Sep 2019 #23
"...in the service, one must always choose the lesser or two weevils" jayfish Sep 2019 #14
Joke from Master and Commander TomSlick Sep 2019 #81
Nailed It! jayfish Sep 2019 #93
"Thanks. I've been feeling a little flat!" jayfish Sep 2019 #15
What did the tire say Harker Sep 2019 #40
Nice try. jayfish Sep 2019 #42
Thought I had it. Harker Sep 2019 #43
I think it was "do I look okay?" jmowreader Oct 2019 #117
Correct! jayfish Oct 2019 #142
"Don't believe a word that lying sheep says" First Speaker Sep 2019 #16
I Heard It About A Ventriloquist Visiting An Indian Reservation JimGinPA Nov 2019 #155
Go ahead, they're your cows. Doc_Technical Sep 2019 #17
A man was showing his farm to a woman he had reciently met. Doc_Technical Nov 2019 #153
Nice, underpants Nov 2019 #202
Yeah, except this one is eating my popcorn! Doc_Technical Sep 2019 #18
From Men in Black? red dog 1 Sep 2019 #47
My Mom told me this one Marthe48 Sep 2019 #61
In one scene from "Men in Black" Tommy Lee Jones said those exact words and then laughed. red dog 1 Sep 2019 #71
Yes I think so Marthe48 Sep 2019 #82
Hilarious! red dog 1 Sep 2019 #86
It was a rooster, not a duck jmowreader Oct 2019 #118
Duck is funnier than rooster underpants Nov 2019 #204
Nice ! underpants Nov 2019 #203
"Some people just can't tell a joke." TomSlick Sep 2019 #19
... OilemFirchen Sep 2019 #22
DING, DING, DING. We have a winner. TomSlick Sep 2019 #51
My husband told me this one Marthe48 Sep 2019 #62
I'm afraid that your husband and I are about the same age. TomSlick Sep 2019 #65
You are lucky Marthe48 Sep 2019 #66
I'm sorry. TomSlick Sep 2019 #77
Aw you are so nice Marthe48 Sep 2019 #83
This not James River... LompocDem Sep 2019 #20
Who's that guy standing next to Dave? benld74 Sep 2019 #21
I'd have to Google to get the full joke, which isn't allowed. PoindexterOglethorpe Sep 2019 #101
That's right !! benld74 Sep 2019 #107
I heard it with "Moishe" instead of "Dave" N/T tonekat Oct 2019 #144
(Singing) "Your mother's dead." emmaverybo Sep 2019 #27
Something about a telegram being delivered catrose Oct 2019 #127
Very good! Long, long joke--must be drawn out. Doorbell ringing and ringing. Guy in shower, but door emmaverybo Oct 2019 #128
Not quite. Here ya go: trof Nov 2019 #179
Different versions. My version told to my by an Irish story-teller type who drew it out. I was emmaverybo Nov 2019 #184
This message was self-deleted by its author applegrove Sep 2019 #28
No. Let's walk down there and fuck them all. Captain Zero Sep 2019 #30
An old bull and a young bull are standing on a hillside, looking down at a bunch of cows red dog 1 Sep 2019 #48
Upon reflection, I think the old bull said: "No, son..We'll walk down there and fuck 'em all!" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #69
Old bull was standing in the pasture on a cold winter's day Marthe48 Nov 2019 #209
My mother in law to be told me that 5 minutes after I met her for the first time. nt LAS14 Dec 2019 #220
Lol Marthe48 Dec 2019 #221
It was, it was. nt LAS14 Dec 2019 #222
Change Turbineguy Sep 2019 #31
What does a Buddhist Coke machine say? backtoblue Oct 2019 #125
Oh that's funny underpants Nov 2019 #205
That's just the frost in my moustache. n/t sorcrow Sep 2019 #32
and the 4th man ducked! n/t kozar Sep 2019 #33
Three guys walked into a bar... n/t Harker Sep 2019 #36
Winner winner, chicken dinner!!!! kozar Sep 2019 #38
I'll just have soup and a salad, please. Harker Sep 2019 #39
"Make me one with everything." Harker Sep 2019 #34
What did the Zen monk say to the hot dog vender? red dog 1 Sep 2019 #49
Ding! Harker Sep 2019 #54
Thanks for that red dog 1 Sep 2019 #73
"Come on, Chickenshit. They won't believe you, either." Paladin Sep 2019 #35
"It was easy... Harker Sep 2019 #37
"But first, a little ruru" DeeNice Sep 2019 #41
A stick DiverDave Sep 2019 #45
Or, what's long and hard and sticky? Ron Obvious Sep 2019 #87
"The price is right, but the name is Daisy" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #50
"Big enough to fit a camel" SaveOurDemocracy Sep 2019 #52
Break is over, back on your heads. WhiteTara Sep 2019 #53
Is feces involved in a Harker Sep 2019 #55
Bingo! Indeed it does! WhiteTara Sep 2019 #56
That goes way back. Harker Sep 2019 #57
Mine too. WhiteTara Sep 2019 #58
"What is this? Some kind of joke?" Harker Sep 2019 #59
A priest and a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. PoindexterOglethorpe Sep 2019 #102
I always try to squeeze in Harker Sep 2019 #104
"Because he was Haydn." Harker Sep 2019 #60
Reminds me of a joke from the movie "Prairie Home Companion" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #75
There's a keeper... n/t Harker Sep 2019 #80
My Dad had a little spiral notebook Marthe48 Sep 2019 #63
Do you remember any of them? red dog 1 Sep 2019 #72
Let me think about it Marthe48 Sep 2019 #84
No lady, I'm riding Princeton in the 5th Marthe48 Sep 2019 #64
I first heard that in the film Bonnie & Clyde! ailsagirl Sep 2019 #67
Yes, it's an old joke, but it was told in "Bonnie & Clyde" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #68
That is the only time I ever heard this joke. BigmanPigman Nov 2019 #207
"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are stacking up." red dog 1 Sep 2019 #74
Oly says to his friend : "Oh, I think my wife has died." MatthewHatesTrump2 Oct 2019 #115
[Whispered] Hey Donnie, how many's a brazilian? discntnt_irny_srcsm Sep 2019 #76
Okay here's some help: spoken by GWB during a briefing on the Iraq war n/t discntnt_irny_srcsm Sep 2019 #94
That dog will bite you! Bongo Prophet Sep 2019 #78
And that was the last anyone heard from Donald Trump C_U_L8R Sep 2019 #79
"That's not my dog!" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #85
Crazy Guggenheim? Brother Buzz Sep 2019 #88
"Hi, Joe...Hi, Mr. Dennehy!" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #90
And then he sang. trof Nov 2019 #180
Does your dog bite? Harker Sep 2019 #89
That's it! red dog 1 Sep 2019 #91
"How are you, Senator Cruz?" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #92
"Seventy five cents" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #95
A cup of coffee and two popsicles Alpeduez21 Sep 2019 #96
"Walk him and pitch to the rhino." The Velveteen Ocelot Sep 2019 #97
What do you do with a giraffe with three balls? Doc_Technical Sep 2019 #98
"Wait and see which can they go in" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #99
"Arrr, I know, and it's driving me nuts!" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #100
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel coming out of his pants.. MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #168
You got it! red dog 1 Dec 2019 #235
It keeps me from licking my lips..... Bayard Sep 2019 #105
You recommend chickenshit for chapped lips? trof Nov 2019 #181
The O'Malley twins are just drunk again. lpbk2713 Sep 2019 #106
"KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #108
Back on your heads, coffee break is over! davsand Sep 2019 #109
"O.J. Simpson" red dog 1 Sep 2019 #110
"But The Juice will kill you" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #111
Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #112
A rich man and a poor man had the same wedding anniversary date; and they would meet each other MatthewHatesTrump2 Oct 2019 #116
Excellent! red dog 1 Oct 2019 #123
Wasn't that a joke told on The Sopranos? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #151
Yeah, that's where I heard it. red dog 1 Dec 2019 #231
"The Aristocrats!" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #113
Isn't that the punch line from "The Aristocrats" joke? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #149
It is! red dog 1 Dec 2019 #238
"All I want is toilet papah'" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #114
Looks like you blew a seal. No way, vanilla ice cream! Major Nikon Oct 2019 #119
See my post below. I didn't realize the thread was old and long. rzemanfl Nov 2019 #177
"This thread is so old and long___________"? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #237
That I posted the same punch line to it twice. n/t rzemanfl Dec 2019 #239
lol red dog 1 Dec 2019 #240
"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the beaver last night? Disaffected Oct 2019 #120
Lol red dog 1 Oct 2019 #121
OK, you probably know but: Disaffected Oct 2019 #124
So Beaver's mom actually uttered that line? red dog 1 Oct 2019 #132
Yup, Disaffected Oct 2019 #133
That's right! red dog 1 Oct 2019 #134
"And deep too!" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #122
Two Guys Peeing On A Bridge JimGinPA Nov 2019 #154
You got it! red dog 1 Nov 2019 #162
I heard "Yeah, but it ain't that deep." trof Nov 2019 #182
That line must be from a different joke. red dog 1 Dec 2019 #233
"I used to say 'fuck you' all the time, now I just smile and say 'how nice'..." regnaD kciN Oct 2019 #126
Well, she had been to finishing school .... eppur_se_muova Oct 2019 #130
"Your mother's on the roof and we can't get her down." musette_sf Oct 2019 #129
"I don't know, but it sure can pick a shitload of lettuce!" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #131
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? MatthewHatesTrump2 Oct 2019 #141
You got it! red dog 1 Dec 2019 #234
"Now, where's that old lady with the abscessed tooth?" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #135
He's smiling now; but wait 'til they take the pacifier out of his ass" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #136
You're as close as you can get! red dog 1 Oct 2019 #137
"You'll get your palm red for free." red dog 1 Oct 2019 #138
"Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you." red dog 1 Oct 2019 #139
"Yeah, and it's deep too!" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #140
"I never said it was free!" MatthewHatesTrump2 Oct 2019 #143
"Hey Lady, your sign fell down!" tonekat Oct 2019 #145
"You can unscrew a light bulb" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #146
What's The Difference Between A Virgin & A Light Bulb? JimGinPA Nov 2019 #160
Close, but no cigar red dog 1 Dec 2019 #230
"A rooster clucks defiant" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #147
Whats The Difference Between A Rooster & A Lawyer? JimGinPA Nov 2019 #156
Did you see that joke on the "Do you have a favorite 'lawyer' joke? thread? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #161
No, I Was A Bartender When I Was Younger JimGinPA Nov 2019 #164
Yeah, old jokes are the best. red dog 1 Nov 2019 #166
Yessiree! red dog 1 Dec 2019 #236
"She seemed surprised" red dog 1 Oct 2019 #148
Nice to see you again, Senator Cruz!" MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #150
This message was self-deleted by its author MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #167
"Whenever I Got A Dozen I Sold Them" JimGinPA Nov 2019 #157
"I Thought So Too, 'Till I Ran Out Of Chain" JimGinPA Nov 2019 #158
Shake Hands JimGinPA Nov 2019 #159
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." red dog 1 Nov 2019 #163
"Next time don't drive so fast..You nearly killed us!" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #165
"The Juice will kill ya'" MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #169
"They both look good hanging from a tree" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #170
"I told them I was President Trump's driver and that I killed the pig!" MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #171
"Give me my quarterback!" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #173
"If you two are going to keep arguing, I'm leaving!" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #174
He wouldn't eat the mushrooms. lpbk2713 Nov 2019 #175
The late and much missed Annette Apollo (Old Leftie Lawyer, Tangerine LaBamba) rzemanfl Nov 2019 #176
And he was the first person ever to wire ahead for a reservation. Permanut Nov 2019 #178
I dunno, but they're saving the seeds. trof Nov 2019 #183
"Because I'm trying to examine you" MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #185
Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole week. MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #186
"Are they afraid someone will clean them?" MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #187
"Best piece of ass I ever had!" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #188
"Do they come in blue?" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #189
Wrecked 'em Hell. It kilt 'em both! (Little Johnny joke) Whiskeytide Nov 2019 #190
I know that one red dog 1 Nov 2019 #199
Wow, I can only imagine... The Polack MSgt Nov 2019 #191
"George W. Bush, come on in!" MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #192
"Brooklyn..There's hundreds of 'em" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #193
Naw, it just doesn't take long to look at a horseshoe Brother Buzz Nov 2019 #194
"Ok, fine..but first 'The Aristocrats!'" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #195
This message was self-deleted by its author red dog 1 Nov 2019 #196
"Dress her up as an alter boy" MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #197
"Now, where's that old lady with the abscessed tooth?" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #198
"He's quiet now, but wait 'til we take the pacifier out of his ass" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #200
WTF? underpants Nov 2019 #201
"Swimming pool?..Is this 486-5731?" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #210
Because they don't want to be Scene" red dog 1 Dec 2019 #211
"Because I don't like drunken fools" MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #212
"The Prince of Wales" MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #213
They charged one - and let the other one off MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #214
Transporting underage gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises csziggy Dec 2019 #215
"The price is right, but the name is Daisy" red dog 1 Dec 2019 #216
"Are you a narc?" red dog 1 Dec 2019 #217
"Yes, and the portions are so small." red dog 1 Dec 2019 #218
Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige. LAS14 Dec 2019 #219
"All I want is toilet papah" MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #223
"One is a hollow cylinder, and the other is a silly Hollander." MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #224
This message was self-deleted by its author red dog 1 Dec 2019 #225
"That ain't my finger either" BlueTsunami2018 Dec 2019 #226
This message was self-deleted by its author sobenji Dec 2019 #227
Nah, that's just a little ice cream. rzemanfl Dec 2019 #228
No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog! TlalocW Dec 2019 #229
"Why the long face?" red dog 1 Dec 2019 #232
"See, you forgot me already!" red dog 1 Dec 2019 #241
"Did you say steak?" red dog 1 Dec 2019 #242
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. MatthewHatesTrump2 Jan 2020 #243
"Trump? I thought you said rump!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #244
I didn't say 'small" I said 'smell'! red dog 1 Jan 2020 #245
Yeah, but the Juice will kill 'ya red dog 1 Jan 2020 #246
"Shit Shanty Irish!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #247
"Maybe I should have started with the circumcision" MatthewHatesTrump2 Jan 2020 #248
"Sit? I thought you said 'shit'!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #249
"She's out back, slopping the hogs!" MatthewHatesTrump2 Jan 2020 #250
"Didn't you see the sign out front?" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #251
"I'll take the soup!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #252
The Czech's in the male" MatthewHatesTrump2 Jan 2020 #253
"Look at those jugs!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #254
"If that's all you got, then go suck a moose!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #255
"If you two are going to keep arguing, I'm leaving!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #256
"The Prince of Wales!" MatthewHatesTrump2 Jan 2020 #257
"It WAS his mama!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #258
"He must have been a Republican!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #259
"The second guy died!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #260
God shrugs, "I didn't recognize you." red dog 1 Jan 2020 #261
"I can't," says the poodle, "I'm not allowed on the couch." red dog 1 Jan 2020 #262
"One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt." red dog 1 Jan 2020 #263
"They each got six months." red dog 1 Jan 2020 #264
"I ordered ribs, not bibs!" red dog 1 Jan 2020 #265
A key. red dog 1 Feb 2020 #266
"The 'J' is silent." red dog 1 Feb 2020 #267
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