Late at night, in the bowels of the White House, [View all]

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

a spectral meeting is taking place. It's the weekly poker game of the ghosts of James Buchanan, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Andrew Johnson, Warren Harding and Richard Nixon. The Worst Presidents Ever.

"What do you think, gentlemen?" said Buchanan as he cut the cards. "Do you think this new fellow will be joining us, whenever...?"

"I figured we'd be saving a place for the younger Bush," said Nixon.

"He'll join the club eventually," said Harding. "But this new guy, Trump... Man, I've been getting grief now for almost a hundred years for my corrupt administration but we were a bunch of Boy Scouts compared to him. It'll be nice to finally move down a couple notches on the Worst Presidents list."

Nixon lit an ectoplasmic cigar. "You know, when I lived here I had a few problems. It's nice to come back and haunt the place but I hate to see it occupied by such a bunch of grifters. I never made a nickel off Watergate."

Buchanan dealt the cards. Pierce looked at his hand and shook his head. "I never had much luck with this game when I was alive, either."

"I got impeached," Johnson said. "I didn't deserve it and I was acquitted. You think they'll get Trump? He's been here only a few weeks and he's already committed more impeachable offenses than I ever even thought of. Hell, all I did was try to fire Edwin Stanton. I kind of fucked up Reconstruction, too, but..."

"You were a terrible bigot," said Nixon.

"You should talk," Johnson replied. "I heard those tapes of yours. I wish I'd had tapes in those days."

Fillmore sipped his spectral whiskey and remarked, "Harry Truman once said I was a 'weak, trivial thumb-twaddler who would do nothing to offend anyone.' I'm still not speaking to him. But at least I was never a fucking Russian spy."

Nixon said, "We were all shitty presidents. But when Trump arrives I don't think I want him in this game. He'll cheat, for one thing. And he's an asshole."

Buchanan said, "Not only that, but he'll bluster and brag. The man has no class. I don't mind if that little Bush fella joins us; he's dumb and he's probably a terrible poker player but he knows some good jokes. By the way, Dick, you were an asshole, too."

"When Bush comes maybe I'll get to win once in awhile," said Pierce.

"I'm just looking forward to the day when I'm no longer considered the worst president in American history," said Buchanan.

"I fold," said Pierce. "And I don't think you'll have to wait until Trump is dead. He's already turning out to be way worse than any of us ever were. We just sucked. He's....."

Nixon said, "That fat fucker is a disgrace even to us, the worst presidents ever. I don't want to wait until he's dead and I don't want to play poker with him when he is. Let's haunt him."

Harding replied, "Brilliant! Let's do it!" He tried to fist-bump Nixon, but as he was made of ectoplasm the gesture was ineffective.

And so the ghosts of the Worst American Presidents started appearing to Trump in various places in the White House. Pierce tried to moon him but because he was transparent the gesture was not very effective. Although they enjoyed slipping through walls and making obscene gestures, after awhile the ghosts gave up and went back to their poker game because Trump was going mad without their help.