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MADem

(135,425 posts)
109. You did the right thing, and you know it in your heart. I agree, though, that guilt can make
Thu May 17, 2012, 12:44 PM
May 2012

smart people make bad choices. The only thing you can do to mitigate the guilt is to visit often, and make the time you spend together as memorable as possible.

Had you abandoned your career, you would feel guilt about the resentment you harbored, and the fact that you gave up employment that made your family''s life better. The old "rob Peter to pay Paul" caveat applies--no matter what you'd have done, you'd feel bad about it. It is a no-win situation unless you win the lottery and can afford a full time staff to care for the family member at home in comfort.

The decision you made, though, was the smart one and the best one, given the circumstances.

That is horribly horribly sad. mucifer May 2012 #1
So sad and, you're right, this shouldn't happen in a wealthy country like this... polichick May 2012 #2
Very sad. Many of us are dealing with this - TBF May 2012 #3
So sorry to read about this mazzarro May 2012 #4
oh my... dana_b May 2012 #5
I am terribly, terribly sorry to read this. BlueIris May 2012 #6
Why euthanasia isn't legal? metalbot May 2012 #7
We don't really know what kind of life his mom had. Hoyt May 2012 #12
Should I ever get dementia... awoke_in_2003 May 2012 #78
Same here. AtheistCrusader May 2012 #82
I second that. I watch my grandmother take care of my grandpa. Thav May 2012 #89
"I hope I never put my family through that"... awoke_in_2003 May 2012 #99
euthansia kardonb May 2012 #22
Well, then we have to face the facts. MsPithy May 2012 #38
We do have euthanasia - it's called "hospice." At the least at-home version... DesertDiamond May 2012 #60
Oh, stop it. Hospice does not put people on morphine drips to cause their deaths! sinkingfeeling May 2012 #69
Hospice does not kill people if they don't die soon enough! obamanut2012 May 2012 #71
Ugh, correlation/causation. AtheistCrusader May 2012 #83
That's one of the most bullshit posts I've ever fucking read. Codeine May 2012 #84
I'm guessing you recently lost someone close to you mn9driver May 2012 #85
what an incredibly kind and compassionate response renate May 2012 #86
You're nicer than I am. a la izquierda May 2012 #104
My grandfather died three days ago in hospice. a la izquierda May 2012 #103
Some things are worse than death gadjitfreek May 2012 #61
I agree with you and your post 100%. Thanks for sharing. titaniumsalute May 2012 #70
Yeah - why should humans be allowed dignity and respite like dogs dmallind May 2012 #81
I'm really sorry. We better find better ways to care for the elderly. Hoyt May 2012 #8
Edited for correction: Baitball Blogger May 2012 #9
I misread it too. I believe he has been a friend of the OP for 15 years. ScreamingMeemie May 2012 #10
thanks. I made the necessary correction. Baitball Blogger May 2012 #14
That is devastating. ScreamingMeemie May 2012 #11
Compassion. Gregorian May 2012 #13
This may be a wealthy country for some, but it's sorely lacking in many RKP5637 May 2012 #15
No nursing home would take her? ingac70 May 2012 #16
If you don't have cash on the barrelhead, nursing homes don't want you. KatyaR May 2012 #17
You are fortunate that your state hasn't cut that yet jtuck004 May 2012 #55
So sad! One Voice May 2012 #18
+1 freshwest May 2012 #43
This is a tragic story... liberalmuse May 2012 #19
It happens in an uncivilized, immoral country, run by greedy zealots ProfessionalLeftist May 2012 #20
It sounds like he couldn't take it anymore. dkf May 2012 #21
The official cause on my Dad's death certificate was dementia panader0 May 2012 #23
OMG that is awful. I feel for you. glinda May 2012 #53
I can sympathize with the friend NotThisTime May 2012 #67
I'm terribly sorry. But I know the feeling. Buns_of_Fire May 2012 #24
So sad for your friend. He is a hero who broke. patrice May 2012 #25
Oh my God, I am so sorry for your friend and his family. There was noone to help this poor man? Ecumenist May 2012 #26
Why don't people remember that they have to put on their own oxygen mask first? WillowTree May 2012 #27
This is a truly horrible story bupkus May 2012 #28
After taking care of both my elderly parents (dad with Alzheimer's) until their deaths, enough May 2012 #29
Growing up I heard my parents say they would Betsy Ross May 2012 #32
It's exactly that inability to take action that prevents the dementia sufferer from doing what enough May 2012 #33
The medical directive will not solve this problem Betsy Ross May 2012 #34
I am so sorry to hear about your friend abelenkpe May 2012 #30
My deepest sympathies Betsy Ross May 2012 #31
. Coyote_Bandit May 2012 #35
This is horrible but my husband bkkyosemite May 2012 #36
If he had no income because he cared for her for so long and if he was glinda May 2012 #51
Oh, wow, I am just so terribly sorry! Rhiannon12866 May 2012 #37
Worked in the Home Health Care industry for a couple of years cr8tvlde May 2012 #39
He should have "walked away" (legally speaking) years ago. MADem May 2012 #40
I wish I could rec your post. Kaleva May 2012 #42
I have relatives who work caring for people who are at the end of the line. MADem May 2012 #47
He probably could have kept the house yankeepants May 2012 #54
Here's how I view it--it's not a question of total time in the saddle, it's a question of Quality MADem May 2012 #63
You are probably right... ElboRuum May 2012 #74
The most compassionate thing people can do is admit when they can't handle it. MADem May 2012 #79
Oh, don't get me wrong, I agree 100%. ElboRuum May 2012 #80
I know what you mean. Pity someone didn't take him aside and give him the old pep talk. MADem May 2012 #95
A promise is a promise. peace13 May 2012 #91
When your "promise" puts the life of your loved one and the person providing care in danger, it's MADem May 2012 #94
Well said. yankeepants May 2012 #100
And in breaking the promise, what you told your mom is that you REALLY CARE. MADem May 2012 #107
You were insinuating that the man put his own interest in front of his mother's. peace13 May 2012 #102
I was not insinuating anything, the word is "callous" and I wasn't that either, and you are MADem May 2012 #106
Yes, callous, that's the word. peace13 May 2012 #110
Peace back at you. MADem May 2012 #111
This. redqueen May 2012 #96
Guilt is a powerful thing mainer May 2012 #108
You did the right thing, and you know it in your heart. I agree, though, that guilt can make MADem May 2012 #109
This is exactly what they want. Atypical Liberal May 2012 #41
I'm so sorry. EFerrari May 2012 #44
How awful. Alzheimer's really can't be treated at home unless one has an Cleita May 2012 #45
K&R....this is sad on so many levels....n/t unkachuck May 2012 #46
That's so very sad... one_voice May 2012 #48
An observation and suggestion jerseyjack May 2012 #49
On a similar observance...wealthy couples can pay to stay together glinda May 2012 #50
OMG! Odin2005 May 2012 #52
What a tragedy all around. Beacool May 2012 #56
My father had dementia and I took care of him for 3years Raine May 2012 #57
Wow. You have my admiration. MADem May 2012 #97
So sorry to hear about your friend goclark May 2012 #58
Nah...I had two beers and went home. titaniumsalute May 2012 #75
This message was self-deleted by its author DesertDiamond May 2012 #59
I'm not comfortable with your post. cali May 2012 #62
Sorry this happened. I don't know how your friend stood it as long as he did. nt raccoon May 2012 #64
I don't know what to say, other than... Ferretherder May 2012 #65
So sorry. Boudica the Lyoness May 2012 #66
This is why I have The Plan. lapislzi May 2012 #68
I respect you for making such a Plan. crim son May 2012 #77
Alzheimer's is a hellish disease. I prayed for my mother's death even though she was in a nursing jwirr May 2012 #72
I'll answer your last question. ElboRuum May 2012 #73
Very Sad. deathrind May 2012 #76
Sir Terry Pratchett: "I'll die before the endgame" LongTomH May 2012 #87
I don't want to/can't afford to die in Switzerland lapislzi May 2012 #90
This nation is only powerful for the wealthy. It's shit for everyone else. nt valerief May 2012 #88
My husband's been diagnosed with dementia. Rozlee May 2012 #92
Condolences dear titaniumsalute Smilo May 2012 #93
In answer to your question, it happens because WHEN CRABS ROAR May 2012 #98
I wonder why he didn't put her in a nursing home? Honeycombe8 May 2012 #101
He probably promised her he wouldn't queenjane May 2012 #105
Either that or titaniumsalute May 2012 #112
So, killing her is better? nobodyspecial May 2012 #113
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