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In reply to the discussion: Patton Oswalt: What gun owners think they look like... [View all]pinboy3niner
(53,339 posts)It's great that you are able to open up about it--and it's an important part of the process of coming to terms with it. Your posts about your experience are always thoughtful and insightful, and informative for non-veterans as well as for us veterans of other eras.
I suppressed my war experience for 16 years before I was able to talk about or even think about it. My war was also a little younger. The average age of troops when they arrived in-country was 19. I was 20, and had already made First Lt. The photo was taken a few weeks before I turned 21. I had replaced Dan, the guy in the center, as 1st plt. ldr. when he became XO. Russ, the guy on the right, also was a plt. ldr. Russ was KIA the day before I was wounded. Russ was 25, and he's now on Panel 14W, Line 108. Dan made it, and he sent me that photo 2 years ago when he found me. I linked up with him at a company reunion shortly afterward, for the first time since VN. We recognized each other instantly.
Guys like Dan me have had a lot more time to process this stuff. And we were forced to accept, long ago, that there are no do-overs. It is what it is, and each of us has to find a way to accept that and to use that horrible, traumatic experience to inform our perspective in positive ways.
--Epilogue, Platoon
I can understand how, in a way, there's nothing you want more than to be back with your platoon. That life had an incredible immediacy, and sense of urgency, and you were with people you cared about and who were important to you, struggling together to survive through that life-and-death experience.
Even after I was medevac'd back to a stateside hospital, all I wanted was to go back to my platoon. Despite having a solid gold excuse for leaving, I felt like I'd abandoned and betrayed my men. What the psychs call "undeserved guilt." I knew what they were going through, and felt like I should be there, going through it with them. And maybe I could keep some of them alive...
But when it's over it's over, there is no going back and there are no do-overs. It's left to each of us to struggle with our war experience and to come to terms with it and to move on. But, as Chris said in Platoon, "The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days." (Just look at my avatar and my username. )
You're a good man, and you deserve the best--whether you know it or not. For me, it's always a pleasure to see you sharing your thoughts here, and it gives me hope that you and your comrades like you will survive your struggles and have an important voice on the issues of our time.