I'm really really scared [View all]

[JMCKUSICK]

I surely thought that the close divide in the House would derail this bill as I really expected the moderates to control the outcome, not the crazies. We all know this is going to sail through the Senate after some grandstanding by those who will vote for it anyway.
I'm struggling with so much uncertainty, I can't work but no one seems to give a shit from the SSA to Congress. I feel like I will be one of millions that will be discarded to the curb and forgotten about.
I've struggled with self esteem my whole life, abandonment issues, bouncing from home to home as a child to the point that I have no idea the names of a single family I lived with before coming to the USA.
Every time I feel like I've made progress in trusting and allowing myself to get comfortably close to others, moments like this happen, a lightning bolt from the sky reminding me of my true place in society.
I have fought like hell to "outperform" what little was expected from an uneducated, lonely, lost person who can only be defined by external forces because nobody ever really allowed me to define myself through support, encouragement and embrace.
I've been sitting here all morning trying not to cry, trying to keep this despondency at bay, knowing this day was coming but praying it wouldn't.
Medicaid has literally saved my life, and the medications I now have to take are just as critical to my ongoing health. My pain levels since the FAA on May 9th, has been off the charts, I obviously aggravated my spinal injuries that weekend and that's not helping either.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-john-mckusick-overcome-health-and-financial-struggles

I am placing my GoFundMe link here because July will be here faster than we all care to admit and while I consider you all my family, I feel like the Ocean currents of life will relegate me back to tumbleweed status where my life's shortened span will be lived aimlessly and helplessly wandering wondering why this is my destiny. Even before my Heart Surgery, during my down days I wondered if I'd be better off dead, because we all knew this was coming and if I wasn't such a coward, i would have stopped this train a long long time ago.
I'm sorry, I feel like I'm falling down a deep hole called destiny.
Most people are too busy to stop and help, much less ask what they can do.
Even good morning messages, as poor as they may be, are the easiest things to pass by in our rush to encounter the day..
I can't stop crying and I can't stop feeling how inevitable this destiny is for so many of us. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up in whatever nightmare my soul has to face next.