Unpopular Pete Hegseth Forced To Drink Lunch Alone [View all]

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday.

According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers who quickly turned away from him to avoid making eye contact. After locating an empty table in an isolated corner, Hegseth is said to have sat down and begun slowly unloading a brown paper sack that concealed a 750-milliliter bottle of Dewar’s White Label blended scotch, a 12-ounce Miller Lite, and an airplane-sized nip of Fireball for dessert.

“Well, I guess I’m on my own today,” said Hegseth, standing out in stark contrast to the rest of the cafeteria’s occupants, who sat packed around tables chatting enthusiastically with their colleagues. “I was really hoping to be able to hang out with all my awesome friends at the Department of Defense today, but there was only one seat left, and they told me they were saving it for someone else.”

“It’s no big deal, though. I actually wanted to sit alone,” Hegseth added. “But if anyone needs a seat, these chairs are totally open.”

https://theonion.com/unpopular-pete-hegseth-forced-to-drink-lunch-alone/