General Discussion

yeswehavenobananas

(10 posts)

173. Who in bloody hell are you or anyone else to decide

Sat Dec 1, 2012, 03:23 PM

Dec 2012

what a "loser" or a "winner' is?

In any case, I suspect that the parents spoiled their kids and realized too late the monsters they had created.

I do despise his line about not having anything to credit themselves with. Children are too often an extension of the parents' egos. I have a feeling that the father feels like he failed his children and is taking it out on them instead of looking in the mirror.

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Dad's 'I am bitterly, bitterly disappointed' email to adult kids goes viral [View all] Liberal_in_LA Nov 2012 OP

Wow, can't imagine why this guy's kids wickerwoman Nov 2012 #1

I hope him and mum aren't too disappointed when they find out their Cleita Nov 2012 #2

+1 laundry_queen Nov 2012 #56

There are also children who are professional victims. Darth_Kitten Dec 2012 #204

You know laundry_queen Dec 2012 #217

Yes, I believe that. However, there is also the possibility yeswehavenobananas Dec 2012 #172

Everyone who has ever used the word "whinging" / "whingeing" in writing is an asshole. DirkGently Dec 2012 #174

Is whinging / whingeing even a word? Quantess Dec 2012 #222

It's Britspeak. Dark n Stormy Knight Dec 2012 #227

Aha. Thanks. Quantess Dec 2012 #232

Yep. Prounounced differently because Dark n Stormy Knight Dec 2012 #235

Yeah. More a-holish when laid down by Yanks, of course. DirkGently Dec 2012 #239

i am going to get pummeled. i like the letter. i hear him seabeyond Nov 2012 #3

+1 JustAnotherGen Nov 2012 #5

my kids have a very clear vision of where the line is and expectation. seabeyond Nov 2012 #7

Kids are not here to live up to their parents' expectations. lapislzi Nov 2012 #19

get through college, support yourself, and use your common sense, seabeyond Nov 2012 #31

Huge? You think so? lapislzi Dec 2012 #142

you are funny.... seabeyond Dec 2012 #146

There are minimum expectations that every parent has... Lightbulb_on Nov 2012 #69

Who in bloody hell are you or anyone else to decide yeswehavenobananas Dec 2012 #173

try reading the letter NJCher Dec 2012 #184

Yes the OP left out the best parts of the letter... dkf Dec 2012 #211

The children aren't the losers, the father is. pnwmom Dec 2012 #178

That's what he considers a failed family? Darth_Kitten Dec 2012 #208

What evidence do you have that the children are losers? yardwork Dec 2012 #191

My daughter ... 1StrongBlackMan Nov 2012 #41

we have basically the same situation. seabeyond Nov 2012 #44

For you and seabeyond JustAnotherGen Dec 2012 #175

I'll raise you my sister. Darth_Kitten Dec 2012 #207

It's all about the context. wickerwoman Nov 2012 #11

Absolutely. NT Habibi Nov 2012 #29

i really did not hear narcissist. but, i can totally get how people would hear it. nt seabeyond Nov 2012 #37

Narcissistic parents are sly creatures laundry_queen Nov 2012 #59

i hadnt looked at it from that point. seabeyond Nov 2012 #62

It does kind of scream it out, to me laundry_queen Nov 2012 #67

laundry_queen, I think it's easier when you've lived with one pnwmom Nov 2012 #104

So true marions ghost Nov 2012 #109

I don't think this man Dorian Gray Dec 2012 #221

Many people are not seeing him as a jerk marions ghost Dec 2012 #236

Me too...both parents are malignant narcissists and probably sociopaths... CoffeeCat Nov 2012 #110

I agree. And I worry about the oldest daughter, the one who is defending him. yardwork Dec 2012 #123

She is probably the narcissist's favorite -- which is not a good position to be in. pnwmom Dec 2012 #127

An abused child will often defend her abuser. Ken Burch Dec 2012 #228

Excellent description of the dynamic. nt laundry_queen Dec 2012 #129

Anyone who is more worried about bragging rights than about how his pnwmom Nov 2012 #103

I agree. He sounds like a jerk. yardwork Dec 2012 #122

Exactly GCP Dec 2012 #143

I was struck by the chilling absence of empathy but had marked it up to a "UK thing". Now coalition_unwilling Nov 2012 #51

It's all about HIM and how HE appears to his friends -- pnwmom Nov 2012 #105

perhaps he blames his kids, in some way, for his being unable to rise farther in the Royal Navy. Ken Burch Dec 2012 #229

You might be onto something. Somewhere I read him complaining about pnwmom Dec 2012 #238

You nailed it. Blasphemer Dec 2012 #177

I do too and congratulate him. He sounds like a good parent who has just had it...n/t monmouth3 Nov 2012 #15

He sounds like he has had it, ToxMarz Nov 2012 #65

Good parent? He admits he never took any interest in his kids' lives pnwmom Dec 2012 #180

One easy thing to do is don't give him the money. Cleita Nov 2012 #28

now we are getting into story time. i cut my brother off years ago, money wise. always unconditional seabeyond Nov 2012 #39

LOL ... 1StrongBlackMan Nov 2012 #75

wow. my brother will give the shirt off my back to any friend. he is generous like that. seabeyond Nov 2012 #90

Nope ... 1StrongBlackMan Dec 2012 #139

your dad sounds like a cool guy NJCher Dec 2012 #188

Yep ... 1StrongBlackMan Dec 2012 #199

You like the letter? You like a jerk because he's complaining that his three EMPLOYED, pnwmom Nov 2012 #40

none of that was in article i read, made assumptions IF. if they are fine kids... than he is an ass. seabeyond Nov 2012 #47

It was a link from the linked article noamnety Nov 2012 #70

Yep, it is all about how the have "shamed" Kelvin Mace Nov 2012 #80

okay, the man is a jackass dad. Whisp Nov 2012 #89

Emily, the "struggling" interpreter, has 2 toddlers, a 12 year old, and is married to a surgeon. pnwmom Nov 2012 #106

God, what a dick. As he collects his state pension. Marr Dec 2012 #133

I hear you, seabeyond LiberalEsto Nov 2012 #71

With you as well. Sukie Nov 2012 #77

I get the letter. It's from a narcissistic parent to adult children who merely pnwmom Dec 2012 #176

excuse me? NJCher Dec 2012 #189

Did you or did you not see that the reason the father is expressing these concerns pnwmom Dec 2012 #190

What facts do you have that the grandchidren are in danger? yardwork Dec 2012 #192

Would love to hear the kids' side of the story Kelvin Mace Nov 2012 #78

They are not abject failures. They are all employed and none has ever received assistance pnwmom Nov 2012 #101

OK Kelvin Mace Dec 2012 #237

I think he's spot on. Too many "adults" acting like children, and are intentionally Common Sense Party Nov 2012 #111

Too many older parents act like 3 yr olds toward their adult children,like Republicans in office now RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #160

Without knowing the specifics, it's impossible to know who is to blame. randome Nov 2012 #117

No pummeling from me... agracie Nov 2012 #119

I like it, too. 840high Dec 2012 #126

I love the letter too. I got my life in order because I realized I must be disappointing my mother vaberella Dec 2012 #135

i love your post seabeyond Dec 2012 #138

Hiya seabeyond. vaberella Dec 2012 #219

How do you know that he's telling the truth about his children? yardwork Dec 2012 #149

people see things from their own perspective- they naturally assume that people wouldn't lie RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #166

I agree with you, seabeyond Carolina Dec 2012 #215

What an ass. lapislzi Nov 2012 #4

His children are all employed, self-supporting, and drug free. His problem is that he's pnwmom Nov 2012 #43

Yeah, when I got to that line of the letter Union Scribe Dec 2012 #137

Honestly, good for him. Barack_America Nov 2012 #6

At one time it was his job to control their behavior jeff47 Nov 2012 #21

I agree. People can be unconsciously horrible to their parents. sibelian Dec 2012 #132

Parenting 101: SoCalDem Nov 2012 #8

He's a retired military officer. I wonder if he was around to raise his kids? dballance Nov 2012 #9

Probably not, but his e-mail is mostly about the mother and not to bring her WI_DEM Nov 2012 #18

Anyone who lives with him would have to be depressed. pnwmom Nov 2012 #46

What about all the other fathers/mothers who work 60 plus hours to keep the family in a home? midnight Nov 2012 #38

Military tend to fall into a different category... Lightbulb_on Nov 2012 #72

Or they never come home... I know.. midnight Dec 2012 #120

Good Point. /eom dballance Dec 2012 #183

I hope he never needs a caregiver when he's elderly TexasBushwhacker Dec 2012 #193

It never occurs to this jerk that his friends are telling him what they want him to hear Fumesucker Nov 2012 #10

Or they don't like him Habibi Nov 2012 #52

or maybe they are kind to their children and look for the good in them RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #162

I sympathize with him also, Worried senior Nov 2012 #12

How are they not doing what "they should be"??? obamanut2012 Nov 2012 #84

His oldest has 2 toddlers, a 12 year old, a husband who is a surgeon, pnwmom Nov 2012 #112

Look in the mirror pops and look inside yourself, the reason Raine Nov 2012 #13

he sounds like an ass Fresh_Start Nov 2012 #14

"left her with little self-confidence" = indeed. a steady diet of criticism & nothing being good HiPointDem Nov 2012 #20

Tell it, HPD...The damage lasts a lifetime. Surya Gayatri Nov 2012 #73

no amount of psychology, no amount of self reflection can fix this- I am damaged goods RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #163

He is an ass. He was an absentee father who shipped his kids off to boarding school and didn't smokey nj Nov 2012 #22

+1 blueamy66 Nov 2012 #87

What shocks me is that it appears from the article that many poeple in the UK smirkymonkey Dec 2012 #202

There are many people here on DU who approve of the letter as well. smokey nj Dec 2012 #205

If all of his children are such a "disappointment", perhaps Surya Gayatri Nov 2012 #66

I agree. The oldest one defends him, but notes that he destroyed her self-confidence. yardwork Dec 2012 #121

did he release the e-mail, too? how did it get public? WI_DEM Nov 2012 #16

daughter released it Liberal_in_LA Nov 2012 #23

His daughter released it, with his permission. nt yewberry Nov 2012 #27

law of physics: apples don't fall from their trees. datasuspect Nov 2012 #17

You may want to add "far from" in there AlexSatan Nov 2012 #25

on my planet, the apples stay on the trees datasuspect Nov 2012 #32

Welcome to Earth! ElboRuum Nov 2012 #64

Mostly my family was poor and when we left home they blessed us and prayed they had given us what libdem4life Nov 2012 #24

Perhaps... FieryLocks Nov 2012 #26

he's a real narcissist marions ghost Nov 2012 #30

I read elsewhere that they are all employed and self-supporting in middling jobs. pnwmom Nov 2012 #48

He is from a generation where one armed with a high school diploma abelenkpe Nov 2012 #60

good points marions ghost Nov 2012 #92

All that and -- he's a narcissist who's sucking the life out of his kids. n/t pnwmom Nov 2012 #93

Yes, all that and. Thank you for all of your posts in this thread. So glad to see most DUers aren't Dark n Stormy Knight Dec 2012 #234

Post #34 has a good link to more of the story marions ghost Nov 2012 #107

Dear All Three? Dr. Strange Nov 2012 #33

They are all self-supporting-- Starry Messenger Nov 2012 #34

this guy presents as a classic narcissist cali Nov 2012 #35

He sure does. He's a textbook case. n/t pnwmom Nov 2012 #83

easily recognizable to those of us who grew up with this RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #169

The English have such a lovely way of making a point... Hopefully this letter curtails the midnight Nov 2012 #36

There is something to be said for speaking your mind in hopes that someone will benefit. lumberjack_jeff Nov 2012 #42

The one who published the letter has three kids and is married to a surgeon. pnwmom Nov 2012 #113

I'm interested to hear what the rest of the family says lunatica Nov 2012 #45

He's pissed off that his kids don't earn a lot of money. smokey nj Nov 2012 #49

He's doing his best to humiliate them publicly lunatica Nov 2012 #50

I'm glad he isn't my father. smokey nj Nov 2012 #54

email was sent privately to kids. 1 kid posted to email, not bitter dad Liberal_in_LA Nov 2012 #79

So what does that tell you? lunatica Dec 2012 #161

What is interesting also, is that apparently the government has paid for his entire life. Pretty libdem4life Nov 2012 #53

Yes, it rather disappoints one Canuckistanian Nov 2012 #55

I have news for him: CaliforniaPeggy Nov 2012 #57

He should be bitterly, bitterly disappointed. ElboRuum Nov 2012 #58

IMHO marriage and children are Gin Nov 2012 #61

He sounds like a miserable fucking asshole. MotherPetrie Nov 2012 #63

Sometimes good people just have lousy kids. riverwalker Nov 2012 #68

Sometimes I know how this man feels. And I am sure my TwilightGardener Nov 2012 #74

what an asshole Kali Nov 2012 #76

LOL! Succinct and to the point. I totally agree. nolabear Nov 2012 #81

Dad sounds like a cold-blooded bastard MrScorpio Nov 2012 #82

+1000 burnsei sensei Nov 2012 #85

Uuhhh. This dude needs some help. If ya don't want kids, don't have em. geckosfeet Nov 2012 #86

Beginning stages of Alzheimer's disease or some other dementia... poor fellow. hunter Nov 2012 #88

a telling quote or two DonCoquixote Nov 2012 #91

+1000 smirkymonkey Dec 2012 #203

If one kid is a screw up.... Bettie Nov 2012 #94

One of these failures has 3 kids, is married to a surgeon, is translating a book pnwmom Nov 2012 #99

commence the Airing of Grievances! 0rganism Nov 2012 #95

Damn!! Beat me to it!!! nt msanthrope Dec 2012 #147

I hear a version of this from an elderly couple we know, about their children, woo me with science Nov 2012 #96

One of these failures, his oldest daughter, has three kids and is married to a surgeon pnwmom Nov 2012 #97

I understand how it is growing up in a family like this and why it breeds underperformance. smirkymonkey Dec 2012 #206

Me, too, smirkymonkey. pnwmom Dec 2012 #216

In case you wonder why DON Q is emotional about this DonCoquixote Nov 2012 #98

I have a college degree and I walk dogs for a living. I don't make much money, but I love my job. smokey nj Nov 2012 #102

You've nailed this guy. The only person he can love is himself. pnwmom Nov 2012 #115

The daughter says a lot of stuff their father said in the e-mail was true Kaleva Nov 2012 #100

She also said her lack of self-confidence came from how he raised her. pnwmom Nov 2012 #108

IMO, a parent can say whatever they want to their adult children. Kaleva Nov 2012 #114

I suppose they can, but their adult children also can cut them out of their lives. pnwmom Nov 2012 #116

they can talk any way they like, but the results may not be to their liking. what is the point HiPointDem Dec 2012 #124

one wonders with parents like this- Did they interfere with the marriage? RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #170

He's the British version of a teabagger. pnwmom Nov 2012 #118

Sounds like his kids are just like HIM. He appears to be doing in his letter what he accuses Lex Dec 2012 #125

"Crews, a retired British naval officer" says volumes if you're familiar with the breed. Egalitarian Thug Dec 2012 #128

The Great Santini would tell this guy to chill out. Ken Burch Dec 2012 #130

It would help a bit if the Telegraph had given its readers some hint Ken Burch Dec 2012 #131

If my Dad said that to me I'd be gutted. sibelian Dec 2012 #134

Great letter and thanks for posting. I truly understand the Father's point of view. vaberella Dec 2012 #136

Its Festivus!! undeterred Dec 2012 #140

"...and I sense Mum feels the same..." Paladin Dec 2012 #141

I'm disappointed in his dentist. Darth_Kitten Dec 2012 #212

When a parent says something like this to you about his children, inquire about facts. yardwork Dec 2012 #144

I agree yardwork. I'm amazed at the number of people here who applauded this letter without smokey nj Dec 2012 #145

They assumed that the father was describing genuinely "bad" children. They took his word for it. yardwork Dec 2012 #148

I'm sorry you went through that and I feel bad for your sister. smokey nj Dec 2012 #150

That's so sad. How is your sister now? yardwork Dec 2012 #151

She's still angry at my parents and I don't blame her. The thing is they're both dead so she smokey nj Dec 2012 #153

My first awful thought rainin Dec 2012 #152

I don't think so. If that were the case there would be some kind of physical resemblance and smokey nj Dec 2012 #154

I'm so sorry for your experience. I was raised in a similar environment and I get it. smirkymonkey Dec 2012 #210

I'm very sorry that that happened to you. yardwork Dec 2012 #214

I'm thinking here the mother has something to do with this treestar Dec 2012 #155

Some of the other articles told more about the kids. pnwmom Dec 2012 #181

Didn't think of that but it makes sense treestar Dec 2012 #197

They sent their children off to boarding school, which in Britain can be as early as age 8, pnwmom Dec 2012 #198

"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain." - Redd Foxx Tierra_y_Libertad Dec 2012 #156

seabeyond, how can you like this letter? rainin Dec 2012 #157

Seabeyond may have her own experiences DonCoquixote Dec 2012 #171

This is the exact mentality we are dealing with in the Republican party RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #158

Why on earth is this news? Brickbat Dec 2012 #159

It has struck a national nerve- this dad is the perfect example of Republican family values RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #164

It's not news. Brickbat Dec 2012 #167

FWIW, one of his daughters defended him WilliamPitt Dec 2012 #165

Yes, sort of. She also says that her lack of self-confidence came from the way he treated her pnwmom Dec 2012 #182

Is there any chance this dude is a pissed off Republican and his kids are liberals? RepublicansRZombies Dec 2012 #168

He's like a tea bagger. He's against anyone getting money pnwmom Dec 2012 #185

I get the distinct impression that he's pissed off that his son-in-law is French yardwork Dec 2012 #194

More like a bitter old Tory whose kids vote Labour Ken Burch Dec 2012 #230

hmmm. i would not write that letter since it would reflect on my poor parenting skills La Lioness Priyanka Dec 2012 #179

You wouldn't write that letter because you're not a narcissist, unlike that grandiose jerk. nt pnwmom Dec 2012 #186

thanks. La Lioness Priyanka Dec 2012 #187

How does your Internet friend know what sort of parent you are, dearie? oh reiki ur so fine Dec 2012 #196

oh lg am i now your frenemy? La Lioness Priyanka Dec 2012 #200

Sometimes it is the parents who have created avebury Dec 2012 #195

What a dick Brainstormy Dec 2012 #201

Can I post some random letter from a girlfriend in High School and get 200+ replies? snooper2 Dec 2012 #209

i had a similar reaction Enrique Dec 2012 #213

I'd have to know more about their situation before passing judgement. OnionPatch Dec 2012 #218

He sounds like a complete asshole. His children are lucky Politicub Dec 2012 #220

Something needs to be done about "whingeing / whinging". Quantess Dec 2012 #223

Not in the UK it ain't. Ken Burch Dec 2012 #225

I see people misspelling it mostly in the US. Quantess Dec 2012 #226

What you're seeing is people in the States using the UK spellings as an affectation. Ken Burch Dec 2012 #231

I just had to get to the bottom of this: Quantess Dec 2012 #233

If this is how he communicates, why would he ever have expected that his kids Ken Burch Dec 2012 #224