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Tue Nov 28, 2023, 12:50 PM Nov 2023

The Passion of George Santos - Alexandra Petri (WaPo) [View all]


And it was foretold that there would come unto Congress a man who would be sore beset on every side, and they would call his name George Santos, and also they would call him the Mary Magdalene of Congress, and one or two other aliases, or possibly even more than that. And lo did he go unto Congress from New York, and then after he did go, it was revealed unto them that he was not who he said he was, not even to a small degree, and this was the first miracle wrought by George Santos. And everyone marveled and said, “Who is this man?” And then they said, “No, for real, who is this man? We do not know who this man is.” For the George Santos they did send unto Congress had played volleyball at Baruch, and had worked for Goldman Sachs, and George Santos had done neither of those things.

And lo they did speak against him in the halls of Congress and in the newspapers and on the shows and even [in the streets of his district. And they did say unto one another, “Who is this man George Santos, who is come to represent us? For we thought we knew him, but he is not even Jew-ish, as he did claim.” And then George Santos wrought the second of many miracles, for his mother, who had died in the events of 9/11, lo, she was alive until 2016, and indeed she was not even in the United States on the occasion of 9/11. And all who heard it marveled and said, she who was dead was alive again, and she who was in one place was translated a great distance. And they began to say, “Who is this man whose mother was dead yet is alive, and whose money came from one place and then it came from another and then it came from yet a third and then we are still not sure from whom it cometh.” And lo they did look unto his list of donors, and none of them could be found, and their names were not the names of persons who existed. And this was another miracle that George Santos wrought!

And they did bring unto George Santos a dog belonging unto a veteran, asking him to heal the dog, and George Santos said he would, and he did transform that dog’s illness into a great deal of money for himself, which was indeed a miracle, but not the miracle they wanted. And George Santos did say unto them, “Do not worry about it, but give unto me money, and see what other wonders I shall accomplish.”

George Santos then did go unto Congress and they did say “Lo, the bar is here, but he has slid beneath even that bar, for in addition to engaging in election denial, he has also done other frauds that we have not done, at least not so ineptly and publicly.”

And, after he did enter the nation’s capital, he did obtain much Botox and to OnlyFans did he subscribe. And the Lord said “This is good and right, for George Santos ought to have access to OnlyFans and Botox, as is my will, for thereby shall the economy thrive, and furthermore who hast given of their money unto George Santos expecting that anything else will happen?”

“And anyhow,” said the Lord, “what didst thou expect, come on now?” And George Santos did receive donations and miraculously did translate them into gambling and also into Hermes.

And many miracles did George Santos bring to pass. First he did transform himself so that no man might say they knew him. And, at one time, he did appear in drag and, at another time, his campaign staffer did pretend to be a Kevin McCarthy staffer, and other such miracles did many see. Once he did briefly grasp a baby and none knew whence the baby did come nor whither it went. And many such things did George Santos wreak.

And lo the Lord said unto George Santos, “Behold my beloved son with whom I am well pleased. Ye shall receive great abundance, and by ye shall be carried briefly a baby whose identity is uncertain and no one shall know what is going on with that child, and ye shall shout a great deal, and consternation shall ensue.” And furthermore he did yell and say that they acted as though they were sitting in ivory towers in white hats while they voted drunk and had orgies and that he was Mary Magdalene, and everyone did say, “All right then, George, okay.”

And it came to pass in those days, another resolution to expel George Santos from Congress. Which George Santos had known was coming, because as he did say, “I’ve done the math.” Which he said was fine, because he wanted to leave anyway, because everyone in Congress was too corrupt and he was done with them. But it was okay, because the Lord did say, “He shall not be appreciated in his own time, nor in Washington." And then he was translated on high and all did worship him, for he was God’s favorite. And all this was according to George Santos.
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