Breaking News: It's Only Monday and We're Already Drowning in Buttholes (Ferret/Shower Cap) [View all]

[TheFerret]

Trying something different tonight; instead of reading the news, I drank six gallons of Listerine while bludgeoning my temples with a ball peen hammer. My hallucinations can't possibly be any more bizarre than what's going on in real life, right?

(You know this by now, but this post is available, with all them helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/breaking-news-its-only-monday-and-were-already-drowning-in-buttholes/)

So, Redactor General Bill Barr gave a horrifying little interview to CBS, seemingly designed with the improbable goal of making Americans miss Jeff Sessions, who for all his faults* was still unwilling to drown Lady Justice in a kiddie pool at his Turd Emperor's merest whim. Yes, Barr will merrily and dutifully perform master's bidding, pursuing investigations of law enforcement officials for the unforgivable transgression of investigating an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power. Asked if he's worried about history remembering him as the jowlsy steward to a cabal of cheap crooks in their quest to destroy American democracy for personal profit, Billy shrugged the question off with a disturbingly-casual “everyone dies,” and fuck, y’all, the last thing this administration needed was a fucking nihilist.

With red state legislatures around the country tripping over each other to be the first to get their Mandatory Handmaid's Tale LARPing bill in front of Beer-Liking Woman-Hater Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Susan Collins finds her approval ratings back home in Maine plummeting like the stock market during a moronic, unnecessary, trade war. Faced with this potentially career-ending reversal of fortune, expect Collins to break out her most extreme brow-furrowing and concern-expressing. Hasn't failed her yet.

We got to see a transcript of a voice mail one of Shart Garfunkel's lawyers left for one of Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn's lawyers, where he was all, “Hey, dunno if you're still up, just wanted to chat, maybe we can get on XBox Live and play some Call of Duty later. Anyhow, if you see any Justice lying around, if you could go ahead and obstruct it for us, that'd be great.” So that was fun.

We were supposed to see more transcripts, of Flynn's conversations with the Russian ambassador, but DoJ decided that court orders are optional, kinda like flossing, only the risk here is of descending into anti-democratic tyranny rather than getting gingivitis.**

There was another mass shooting, of course, because there's always another mass shooting, because Republicans believe in an imaginary constitutional amendment that says “P.S. all rights are null and void whenever they come into conflict with gun manufacturers’ profits.” We're listening to bullshit conservative arguments about silencers this time instead of bullshit conservative arguments about semi-automatic weapons, so that's different, anyway. The dead people are just as dead, though.

Looks like Steve Bannon got evicted from his neofascist commune in Italy, probably because the rancid, oily, substance he secretes from his pores was eating through the walls of the medieval abbey he'd been renting as his little jagoff clubhouse. Steve my dude, so many of your problems could be solved with a set of good, sturdy, industrial-strength, furniture covers. Or, y'know, by not being a bulging sack of festering warthog rectums, but I suppose that ship has sailed.

While your average Human Being With a Functioning Soul gets upset about things like the senseless loss of life from the opioid crisis, or the cruelty of locking migrant children in cages, Laura Ingraham is MAD AS HECK that the worst people in the world keep getting their megaphones taken away after years of belching up hatred and lies. The examples she presented on her Fascist Variety Show looked like the weird kids table at Arkham Asylum, but Alex Jones has to be pleased to finally find himself on a list where he's not the undisputed most gigantic smelly butthole. “Oh, you terrorized Sandy Hook families for months with fabricated conspiracy theories?” scoffs Paul Nehlen, “Whatever, I wore a shirt with an anti-Semitic mass murderer's face on it, you wuss.”

Yeah, Laura Ingraham thinks it's bad that THAT turdmaggot lost his platform. And companies still advertise on her fucking show.

And early candidate for Whitest Guy of the Year emerged when some douchebag beardo hipster freak decided Kamala Harris needed to suspend her presidential campaign for a hot second to listen to what the (douchebag beardo hipster) menfolk had to say. Of course the media rushed to give the little prick the platform he'd been seeking all along, instead of pelting him with hacky sacks until he learned his lesson, which is what he fucking deserved.

Shart Administration Multi-Tool Mick Mulvaney popped up on the Sunday Shoz to talk about how normal and justifiable it is for the government to hide entire battleships from the Idiot Manchild President, since he has to sleep with a nite lite on because he thinks he's being haunted by the dude whose name is on the side of the boat. “It's all perfectly reasonable, and by the way, we're installing a giant tarp over Virginia so Mr. Trump doesn't have to look at a blue state when he jets off to those ego-fluffing Klan rallies he enjoys so much.

Roger Stone does not seem to be handling his late-in-life brush with legal accountability well, and it turns out the Wealthy White Ratfucker version of “throwing a tantrum in Target because Mom because won't buy you a Ninja Turtle figure” is “calling for the execution of the former head of the CIA because the law finally caught up to you.” I'm sure Laura Ingraham will be taking up Rog's cause any day now.

Demonstrating the compassion and decorum he's famous for, the Velveeta Vulgarian swung by a church in Northern Virginia, straight off the golf course, dressed like an escapee from the last legs of a Napa Valley retiree tour, to desecrate the very concept of “prayer.” People say he doesn't take his role as consoler-in-chief seriously, but folks, his motorcade spent sixteen whole minutes at that church.***

Axios gifted us with a rare Jared Kushner interview, and I know you've all missed that wispy, one-line-character-in-a-Tim-Burton-movie voice that makes you wonder just exactly how much inbreeding takes place amongst the 1%. Jared is so majestically awful at this shit, it's like watching a walrus play basketball; seeing him squirm and sneer and duck and dodge is so cringeworthy it makes you appreciate that the Shart House would still rather send the Sheriff of Nepotismham out to the media than risk another televised meltdown from Amputated Rage Foreskin Stephen Miller.

Lucky us, we get a double shot of Jar-Jar, with details emerging about his oft-delayed Middle East peace "plan." Looks like the idea is, give Israel everything they want, while the Palestinians go, “Y'know what? You're right, we never wanted a state of our own anyway, just toss in a 2 liter of RC Cherry Cola and some o’ those 20% off at Bed Bath and Beyond coupons, and we'll call it square.”

Shit, even Mike Pompeo, who's normally such a loyal little stooge that he wears a tag around his neck that says “If lost, return to Mar-a-Lago,” can't sell this shit. Gosh, if the skeevy little twit whose only qualification is “was born rich” can't crack this nut, who can?

The Failing New York Times published a deep dive into the jaw-dropping corruption of Testudines Fetishist/Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, who at least has had the good sense to keep her grifting out of the headlines until now, unlike your common Scott Pruitts and Ben Carsons. While any cabinet official in any previous administration would have been sacked over a story like this, Chao can rest easy knowing that nobody will even remember it in a week's time, because the President will have teabagged Prince Philip or something.

You have to admit, Mitch McConnell sure married well. It's the dream of every starry-eyed young Republican politician, isn't it? Spend your career rigging the economy for the benefit of the wealthy as you corruptly use your ever-expanding power to line your own pockets until you yourself join the plutocracy you've long served...and all you had to do was sell out your constituents. Sweet gig, Yertle.

Louisiana, having already claimed their seat on the Horrific Abortion Ban bandwagon, went a step further, in declining to impose a legal minimum age on marriage, so now a teenage girl can not only be forced to carry her rapist's child, she can be pressured into marrying him, too! How long ‘till the evangelical “Christian” south drops the pretense, declares all women to be legally property, and has them tattooed with bar codes at birth? Anyway, Roy Moore has been seen scouting out potential living quarters in downtown Baton Rouge, which is a coincidence, I'm sure.

A new study says the Bonespur Buttplug's petulant new round of proposed tariffs on Mexico would constitute the largest tax increase on American consumers in almost 30 years, which is somehow not the only story in tonight's blog about the President deliberately kicking our economy in the junk. This is just the first round of those tariffs, by the way, at 5%; Shitferbrains has threatened to jack them up an additional 5 every month until they hit 25%. I swear, Putin must pinch himself hourly, unable to believe the bargain he got just by opening a few troll farms.

It's weird how important it is to Duncan Hunter to let the world know that he's an utterly amoral creep. Hot off his “hell yeah I take pictures with enemy corpses, everybody who doesn't is a CUCK” media appearance, he trundled down to the basement manchildcave known as “Barstool Sports” to casually mention the “hundreds of civilians” he probably killed, including women and children, in Iraq, so what's the big deal about a few silly ol’ war crimes anyhow? Zounds. I dunno about y’all, but I'm taking Duncan's number out of my “potential babysitters” rolodex.

On the other hand, Hunter may be playing the long game here. After all, Republican voters have demonstrated that, presented with a wide variety of candidates with exemplary resumes, they will ultimately choose the sociopath with a criminal history. So our boy's thinkin', “I'm clearly headed to jail soon, I just gotta establish my lunatic cred before Matt Gaetz gets the media all to himself.”

And Donnie Dotard when to England, apparently seeking the novelty of being mocked and loathed in a different accent for a change. The Brits certainly gave him the welcome he deserved; they trolled our Engorged Tick President so hard I'm starting to think we should reapply for colony status. Look, I know we got mad the last time they burned down the White House, but if anybody felt like taking another crack at it, I bet we could get the mysterious Anonymous Op-Ed Author to replace the fire extinguishers with silly string dispensers. That'd be a hoot, huh?

Anyway. He picked juvenile fights with Meghan Markle and the Mayor of London, and probably tried to dry-hump Big Ben, because hey, the American people were counting on him to embarrass the shit out of us, and that's the one field where he'll never let us down. Doddering old fuck even managed to say something stupid about the fucking FLOOR, because of course he did.

Now, I know we're used to getting buried up to our chins in bat guano every single day here in Shitty Wonderland, but the President of the United States calling for a boycott of an American company that employs more than 270,000 people takes us firmly into Ionesco-on-bath-salts territory.

Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was already colicky over not being able to watch his precious Fux Nooz while in England (because it was cancelled due to abysmal ratings HAHAHAHAHAH), forcing him to watch CNN (he sure as heck wasn't gonna read his dumb ol’ security briefing), which, unlike Fux, does not fellate him 24/7. And so he took to the tweetymachine to attack an American job creator, piss on the first amendment, and probably kidney-punch a bald eagle, all at once.

Trump Transition Team Toady George Nader got arrested today for transporting child pornography, and I'm starting to think all that hullabaloo about hiring “the best people” was less than sincere. Nader was a prominent witness in the Mueller investigation, and has ties to scumbags from Washington to Riyadh and back, so one can't help but wonder what interesting little tidbits of information he might be offering the feds to stay out of jail...

And now I see there's actually a group of Republican Congressjags trying to get Steve Fucking King's committee assignments back, I guess cuz things just aren't the same without an open white supremacist shitsack weighing in on what our laws should be. Anyway, I'm a member of the party that's against "giving the white nationalist more power,” so I can look myself in the mirror tonight.

Of course there's more. There's always more. There're hearings and contempt votes and tiger and bears and who the fuck knows what else, but I'm beaten down by this shit tonight, and I haven't even started drinking yet. What I'm saying is that it's time to start drinking.

*Yeah, there's not enough room in this blog to list ‘em, but we can start with the ridiculous ears and the racism.

**I was way more afraid of gingivitis than dictatorship when I was a younger. Stupid kid.

***Fuck, I spent more time than that mourning the Morgan Freeman character in UNFORGIVEN. Um, “spoilers,” I guess.